Men Who Won’t Marry
To be, or not to be (married) - that my dear Shakespeare is the real question. Why are so many more men not taking the “plunge?” U.S. population figures from 1980 to the present indicate that the percentage of men in their forties who have never been married has nearly tripled to seventeen-percent of all men. Why is this happening? Are they afraid of women? Are they afraid to commit? Do they not like women?
Divorce, a rare thing prior to the sixties is now all too common. Statistics reveal that over fifty-percent of all marriages end in divorce. This is common knowledge and an alarming trend.
The sacred institution of marriage is clearly under attack from within. Let’s look at what is different from a man’s perspective. The answer men have given will surprise you.
- Men don’t like failing, and the odds of success are not in their favor, are they?
- Divorce is unquestionably an ugly thing for all. It is first and foremost painful. No one intentionally puts themselves in harms way without some trepidation. Add to that fact, men through training have shut down their emotions to one degree or another. So dealing with painful emotions felt during a divorce is more of an unpleasant prospect for a man than a woman. The average man would rather avoid pain at any cost, because he’s been trained not to know how to deal with it. He is looking at the prospect of a painful failure that one out of two WILL go through. The attraction of marriage pails with this awareness, doesn’t it?
- Men believe they will usually loose in divorce. Certainly not always, but usually. One of the things they most often loose is their children. It shouldn’t surprise you to know that men on the whole do care about their children, especially considering the trend toward allowing men to feel. This is very painful, and even if you work out seeing them a lot, you don’t get to do this like you did. This will feel like the loss it is. All men have seen others go through this, and this does not encourage you to open yourself to the same. Also, loosing is not allowed for a “real” man, it’s shameful, and therefore not allowed.
- The almighty buck also comes into play in men’s decisions. If they don’t have enough, men believe they will have nothing to offer. This reflects poorly on women as it says that they only are interested in a man’s money, not him (see earlier blog: The Barter System). Men in this position will shy away from relationship. I have had women tell me that “a girl must look out for herself,” meaning choose a man that will support them in the manner they wish to be supported. Understandable, but not as THE basis for relationship. This is off-putting to men.
- The other extreme is a man with a boatload of money. They fear relationship with women who pretend to love them, but only want the lifestyle they can provide. Both understand the barter system, but he knows he can never trust her. Men also fear their wealth being greatly diminished in a divorce. This scenarios is anything but uncommon.
- Many men see women as having become more masculine in attitude, loosing their femininity. This is not appealing, nor conducive to taking the “plunge.” At the same time women are more overtly sexual, like men, and are loosing what is the most important aspect of sex, intimacy. The very thing men are trying to learn and are hoping women will teach them. It would be unfair to blame women or men’s lack. They must learn this themselves. Women can and should encourage this. Women learn how to manipulate men with their sexuality to get what they want, but men know they are being manipulated and resent this. The women’s movement that rightly argued for equality, also wrongly treated the feminine as weak and wrong. It has damaged femininity in the process of calling for equality.
- Some men are not marrying because they don’t have too. You can have intimate relationship, in fact many of women and not be married. The old prohibition told women applies here: “Why should he buy the cow if he gets the milk free?” Either side of this argument is disastrous for relationship. Women are not possessions to be bought, like a cow, and since men are not aware enough yet, they can’t see the truth in not having indiscriminate sex. In fact they are taught this is a good thing.
So, it is with great fear and distorted view that men have come to view marriage. This isn’t to say they don’t want a partner where there is mutual love and adoration, only that they are not sure how to create this, or sustain it if they do. And trust of women and even of themselves seems elusive at best. The unfortunate part of all this is that it these leaves men masturbating, instead of making love, having short affairs from a safe distance, or taking some comfort in paid for arms. Surely there is no wisdom in this scenario.
July 6th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Marlen…
The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson….
July 11th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Much of what’s written here is true, although there are some points missing and some that are present don’t articulate the situation very well.
To start, one of the biggest reasons why many men, more and more, intelligent successful ones, refuse to marry is because women are no longer marriageable. Call me a misogynist, I really don’t care; eventually, objective truism will prevail exposing the nature of our great western society… A lot of what is expected of men is to behave like gentleman. I ask; why bother when women aren’t acting like ladies? It’s a double standard to expect that men should act like gentleman and treat women like “ladies” when clearly they do NOTHING to earn such status. Like it or not, feminism has proved not only that women are capable of doing everything a man can, but that women are in fact in no way morally superior beings; they are far from it.
2 more things I’d like to address:
“Women learn how to manipulate men with their sexuality to get what they want, but men know they are being manipulated and resent this.”
“and since men are not aware enough yet, they can’t see the truth in not having indiscriminate sex.”
First, yes, men do resent this. But they resent it as much as women resent the fact that men barter commitment for sex. This has been going on since the beginning of our species. The truth is, in the past women offered sex in exchange for commitment and support; ie, if we had sex with them, we were obligated to take care of them. This is no longer the case, feminism has freed us of that (thankfully). So, the truth is, that women no longer have anything of real value to offer anymore. Freedom and independence comes with a price. And the sooner us guys stop treating women like helpless children, the sooner we can evolve as men and finally focus on personal growth. Men, I do agree, have a lot to learn.
Second, this comment is insulting: Lets be clear, I am WELL aware of the pros and cons of indiscriminate sex. Even that aside, I don’t need a woman to teach me otherwise. The truth is that most women these days are just as clueless as the rest of us, and are clearly lousy teachers. Finally, ignore it if you like, but it’s OBJECTIVE REALITY; We are still products of our evolution, and men have been designed by nature to have sex with as many women as possible. To assume that men who have indiscriminate sex are immoral and wrong is garbage. We do it because we think, act, and even feel differently than women do. Sure, there are shared values, etc. BUT MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT, and we therefore think, act, and react to our environment differently. If you don’t like it, yell at the cosmos’s and earth, or god for the religious folk, because its by that design that we are that. Deal with it already
July 11th, 2008 at 11:18 am
wow, very poorly written on my part; In a rush, but I think those that come across this will get my point…
July 11th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Thanks for your comments Steve. I agree the feminist movement is in fact anti-feminine. It has done great damage to femininity. I still treat women like ladies, however, often they forget how to be ladies, instead acting like men. I remember the Virginia Slims cigarette commercials the promote the slogan, “you’ve come a long way baby.” Yes, now you can get lung cancer just like us. Great wisdom aye! Women must be full human beings with heart balanced with mind and soul, not masculinized feminists. Men need do the same and be full men with minds balanced with heart and soul without becoming feminized, or remaining macho.
Men and women are different, we are opposite sides of the same coin and contain the inner opposites. Mindless sex, the base animal instinct like an ELK stud is not who we are, human males can make choices and feel. I suggest you read my book now to understand that sex for human males has replaced intimacy by our patriarchal training. We don’t need to just spread our seeds indiscriminately; we need intimacy and connection. Unfortunately, men have been taught to disassociate from emotions and needs for the most part. This leaves sex as the main way of filling our inner needs. Read my book to understand this more. It reveals how one can find real fulfillment, not just momentary satisfaction.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Wow, I just re-read how much of an angry blogger I came across as… I thank you for your response, and apologize if I came across as angry; it’s not the case. Frustration is probably a better way to describe my current state. It’s unfortunate that males too often express our frustrations angrily; there really are a lot of bloggers out there that make very good points, and whose views are rational and deserve to be taken seriously. But too often I find it’s lost in all of the anger… Focused and organized anger could be transformed in to true passion, and would be far more productive…
Overall, well put. And I think I’m sold on your book. I currently plan on also reading books by Warren Farrell as well; any comments on him as an author? And just for the record, I too treat women with respect because I was brought up to do so. I have grown up with very strong, loyal and admirable women in my family, so I know not ALL women are bad; just as all men aren’t bad. I just refuse to grant women the status that many think they are entitled to only because they are women; they too have to earn respect and prove themselves worthy to be labelled as having integrity and being ladylike. I think you would agree that to earn a man’s respect and continued investment, or anyone’s for that matter, you have to continually earn it and prove that you are worthy of it. I don’t see how “whoring” themselves the way they are doing, then screaming at us and calling us weak for not accepting what they have become only because we are intimidated by “strong women” is worthy of our investment; i.e. marriage. Many seem to think WE, as men, should want what THEY think we should want. That sort of thinking teeters on totalitarianism; the idea of telling people what to think, what to want, how to live and spend, what’s important and what isn’t and overall just how to exist. And in reality, there way of thinking is no more moral or intellectual than a man’s either; rather, there thinking is a result of what’s in THEIR own rational self interests, just as our own is. This is something we are all guilty of, not just women. Socio-biology shows that this is a failure that we all seem to suffer from in varying degrees as a result of being human; something that transcends gender, race, and religion. Anyway, put more accurately, I treat all people with a sense of decency and respect. I will not sacrifice my own integrity, values and morals because some (both men AND women) have decided that they are willing to sacrifice their own; especially when they find that there morals and values get in the way of what they want in the moment. Like my mother has always told me: stay true to who you are.
I also agree with you that both men and women should aim to become fuller human beings. Women aren’t men, and visa versa. It’s interesting that you mention the fact that we need to break away from our “macho” programming without becoming feminized; I couldn’t agree more. I have always hated the fact I feel pressured to act in a certain way, and conform to a certain set of standards of conduct based on my gender. Men will never be like women in the sense that we will never be emotional in the same MANNER that they are emotional. I have found, personally, that that’s what separates masculine emotion from feminine emotion. They really are different forms of emotion. However, even though men and women might feel differently, I think the point is that BOTH genders do feel. And, as men, we are not allowed to express this in ways that are conducive to whom we are. It’s too bad too, because our emotions really are quite unique, and I think that if men were allowed to express their “masculine” emotions, society would benefit greatly. The idea of reservation, control of ones emotions, and the endurance to “suffer in silence” really does shape our emotional lens much differently I think. Although that may still seem like the repression of emotions to some extent, I think that’s part of what makes our emotions unique. Emotions that are rational, and logical in nature. Seems almost contradictory, but I believe that’s only the case if you view emotions as being only feminine in nature; that is, the only type of emotions that exist are those that are expressed by women.
One final thing I’d like to add is with regards to your final comment on mindless sex: I do agree that sex without intimacy is less than sex with intimacy. Also, I would like to point out now that I don’t necessarily agree with guys going around and trying to get laid for the sake of getting laid. In fact, I think it’s a waste of time, and overall a trivial pursuit that has its roots most often in seeking out the pleasure of the moment, and the the highs associated with sense of “conquering” a challenge. However, I think that we really do have to be conscious of the fact that, even though we can make our own choices, evolution cannot be ignored. Did you know that the action potentials that connect the female’s amygdala (emotional centre of the brain) to the rest of her brain are 10 times more active during sex than her male counterpart? In fact, the female brain is much better connected to the amygdala in general. So, I would ask: why did nature design it that way? That can’t be attributed to patriarchal programming alone. Granted, patriarchy definitely reinforced it, but nature played the largest role seeing as it is more advantageous to the survival of our young if the female is more invested in individuals. Males, on the other hand, are better served protecting and spreading their genes. Yes, we have evolved and can make rational choices, but I would posit that that sort of argument assumes that a man’s urge to spread his seed and his inability to experience intimacy in the same manner women do isn’t rational in the context of how nature/God designed the universe i/e. our socio-biology. So, as such, I just think its more realistic and objective to approach all of these sort of issues under the basic premise that as males we’ve been designed to serve a different purpose. Again, I am not saying that we should all go around having mindless sex and one night stands. What I’m trying to say is that maybe we were designed this way because we aren’t meant to only invest in one person, or to focus solely on individuals per say. Maybe we aren’t meant to be responsible for only one woman, or even women in general (something feminism has now freed us of), but for the whole. Examples of this kind of male psychobiological evolution can be found in things like chivalry, heroism, and self sacrifice for all those that can’t defend themselves. Albeit not only a trait men can claim to possess, but a definitively masculine trait nonetheless. And again, although we have all evolved socially, and we are no longer the disposable sex to protect women anymore (again, via feminism), why should we deny our heritage? Maybe the disconnect in our brains and the emotional state we are meant to occupy(one which right now do not because of patriarchy) is part of what it means to be a man, and part of what constitutes the masculine. Isn’t something that should be honoured and cherished for both its strengths and weaknesses, just as the feminine and its strengths and weaknesses should be as well?
Anyway, I apologize for the length, but I am very interested in all these topics. I am very interested in a variety of social studies, and the current state of relations between the sexes is one that not only frustrates me, but being a scientist and philosopher fascinates me as well. If you’re wondering, I have done degrees in Mathematical Physics, pure math, and Philosophy. Currently, I run to small businesses, one of which is a small alternative school, and plan on doing a B.Ed and an M.Ed afterwards in order to teach and be socially active. And, out of curiosity, when you refer to women as god’s of wisdom, what do you mean? What sort of wisdom are you referring to? I’m enticed, and would like to know a little more… Thanks again…
Cheers,
Steve