Why Men Leave Their Children
Often, we hear of divorced dads that spend little or no time with their children, and the damage it does to these children, not having the love and guidance of their dads. Many divorced moms have told me how they are at a complete loss as to how these dads could do this. Of course, some of these moms complain and berate, while sabotaging their husbands relationship with the kids. Some do it intentionally, other subconsciously, but let’s exclude this obvious dynamic, which is one of the possible explanations. Why do the dads do this?
I want to be clear that to me our kids are Job #1. Now remember, men have been told to disallow their emotions to be a “man.” Who are men being a “man” for, their women and children of course. If you’re thinking this is crazy, it’s the opposite of what they need, you are correct. But this situation is all too real. Always keep that in mind when trying to understand men. Naturally, all humans have emotions, so to disallow any part of you is to disassociate from it. A disassociate disorder is a psychological condition. Yet, men are taught their version of this as a matter of course. This is highly damaging to men and those around them, like women. (Women are taught their own version of disassociation to be covered in future articles.)
So, here we have a typical man, his marriage is ending (failure and pain), and he must recreate himself and his life (scary). These strong feelings are not allowed for men, yet would naturally affect all persons, wouldn’t they? He will feel them like it or not (he doesn’t), he feels further drained, weaken by the stress and doesn’t know what to do. He also feels shame for having these “wrong” feelings. Men are supposed to know everything, which is why they won’t stop to ask for directions, so his not knowing how to handle all this is further shaming. He may blame her, while looking for varied distractions, or hunker down in his cave, licking his wounds. He most likely doesn’t have a support system to discuss his feeling with. Women usually have this important element; men basically don’t have a clue. He must internalize and repress these feeling, or he thinks he will be seen as crazy or less of a man. Of course, the opposite is true and his repression actually makes him crazy, but it is difficult at best for men to just drop years of programming.
OK, got the picture? Now, here is this divorcing man, feeling with intensity he is not presently trained to handle, and there are his babies. Why would he not want to see them?
From my personal experience of divorce with children, I will tell some of the reasons, and share what others have told me.
- My experience with my daughters was that every other weekend and once or twice during the week for dinner, I got to have my precious babies again. Then, I got to return them to their mother. This felt like/reminded me of the original loss. It was like having the scab ripped off a wound each and every time. I never missed an opportunity to see them, but that was me. This experience gave me a new understanding of why men leave their children, because it is so deeply painful and others just couldn’t handle it. This doesn’t excuse their not being there, only explains it.
- I was very involved with my daughters and still am. However, many men have followed in their father’s footsteps and work long hours, or come home and withdraw into the mindless boobtube. They simply don’t know how to relate to their families, and feel separate from them. They also have a day worth of work bottled up within and don’t feel they can share this. Sad, isn’t it all? But very real. When this type of male divorces, it is simply easier to disassociate from a family he never feel a part of anyway. I have asked women in these situations if they notice this before their divorces. Most were too busy with there own lives to notice, or gave it little thought, thinking it was hopeless. Or their own dads were like this, so they were used to it. None felt they had any responsibility. If you stand mute to it you are part of it.
- It seems to simplistic to call some men heartless. That said, maybe some just are. My question to their wives is: what in Gods name did you marry them for? Take responsibility for your choices. Enough said.
- Some men just lack the courage necessary to face their painful failures and take a stand for their children. The worst part is that they may even see the pain in their children’s eyes, the longing, the damage done by abandoning their children, and still they do nothing. They do this because they feel helpless, without options.
In conclusion, you can see now the how and why’s of it. Hopefully, with understanding and forgiveness we can encourage men to respond from their loving hearts. But this must be done with understanding. It is men’s patriarchal training that keeps them separate. It is everyone responsibility to correct this and give men permission and encouragement to feel. Women will also need to look at the busy fairytale illusion of life they are continuously creating that leaves men out, except to take out the garbage and bring in money. If you don’t think this is common, ask men.
Tags: abandonment, divorce, how divorce men handle children, leaving children, Men
February 9th, 2010 at 8:52 AM
Okay I guess I get the “not supposed to show feelings part”…but to say they feel helpless without options is a load of horse—-!!!! My husband and I came to the decision that he would go overseas and work for one year and then return home to me and our daughters…it is going on 2 1/2 years now and the phone calls and the emails are fewer and fewer….why did I marry him because he was a wonderful loving caring man who was an extraordinary father to his children from a previous marriage. But now my girls don’t have their father and no hope of ever really seeing him again. He has options, I’ve begged him to come home to us, but all that really does is assures he will communicate less…We’ve never yelled or bickered really I can count on one hand how many arguments we’ve had…2. His girls need him regardless of how he feels towards me now, and to say I am starting to get angry is an understatement. How he fooled me into thinking he was this loving and caring father that would always be there for his children is beyond me. But I am here to tell you he has options one of which is to stay in communication with his girls. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. And I do apologize for the heat in this note it is by no means towards you, just some of the opinions you have. Thanks.
February 9th, 2010 at 10:16 AM
First, I feel your rage and your pain. I can relate fully. We humans do unbelievable things to each other, and blind ourselves to the consequences. That is no excuse for the blindness, just an understanding. What’s the use of understanding? We can use it to see the why. How could they do what they do? We can use it to look deeper into the other person, and perhaps explore how “they’ve become trapped in a past that to them doesn’t let them choose” (Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You). YES, I hear you shouting in reply, “Horse… they can choose.” My dear Kim, we live in a world trapped by its own perceptions and deceits. To them, there are no choices. And you’re right these are illusions, but powerful ones. The only choice for you is to understand this, stand in your truth, and stand firm that others should also. But without the understanding, you will never be able to create change you so deeply desire, nor to inspire other to have the courage to change that is so deeply needed. Demands and blame just shut others down. Been there, done that. One last thing, what are you or were you pretending not to know because you wanted to believe? Been there, done that too, don’t like it. Sounds like your husband found someone else and is guilty about it. Your understandable demands for him to return just makes him feel guiltier and he withdraws further. This is painful I know. I can’t lessen that for you. I doubt he went away planning on finding someone else, but he did. This sucks. Time to let go and move on. If you ram down his throat “I thought you were a G-d damn loving father,” which says he is a liar, all that will happen is you will drive him away further from his daughters out of your anger. Also, why did you not move with him on his job relocation? He was left alone and you are surprised someone else wanted him?
Many blessing on your journey.
April 11th, 2010 at 10:57 AM
Some men sacrifice everything for their families because they know and
respect and above all love them. Other men sacrifice their families for
“everything”. I learned to hard way after 11 yrs worth of an unfair relationship I wasn’t with someone who truly loved me or his own kids. I
am not responsible for my ex’s behaviour in or out our relationship. He is!
I was with him,stood by him, believed in him because I truly loved him and believed in him. It simply was too tall an order for him due to his selfishness not mine. Men who cheat and abandon their families simply need
to grow up and behave like an adult not an teenager without responsibilities.
April 11th, 2010 at 11:11 AM
furthermore. I know I still feel anger about what happened to our family. I
am now a single mom with a nine year old daughter who misses her dad and a
10 year old son who has PDDNOS who has said “I hate loving him”. Tell me…how do fix the damage a man like this does to his family?
April 11th, 2010 at 11:49 AM
With love, releasing blame, healing, more love. What in him attracted you that was not up to the “job,” but you ignored it anyway? Perhaps, nothing, and yes, he may have chosen to remain immature, or just could be the man you wanted. He may have felt he didn’t measure up. How sad and disappointing. Did he feel supported, or was there an underlying expectation he just couldn’t fulfill? Holding onto blame and anger is like swallowing a poison pill and expecting your enemy to die. Instead, you die slowly and painfully. Remember, You were in a dance with him. Blessings on your healing.
June 5th, 2010 at 9:18 PM
My husband and I met in college in 1991 and married in 1994. In 2003 I was diagnosed with a very serious cardiac illness and put in a long-term care facility (I was 33 years old). My parents took in our son b/c my husband traveled frequently for his job which he couldn’t afford to quit b/c we couldn’t lose his insurance at that point. My husband let our house go into foreclosure and moved in with his parents. In the 18 months I was in the facility he visited me maybe once every 2 or 3 months. I made a full recovery and was released from the facility in spring 2005, but rather than getting back together as a family he never even showed up to pick me up and I had to call my parents to come and get me. 6 years now my son and I have been living with my parents and my husband has made no effort to reclaim our family – but neither has he filed for divorce (nor have I as I keep holding out hope for our marriage). When I try to talk to him about it he just shuts down and avoids me for the next few months. I am so hurt and angry and my son is emotionally devastated. This is abandonment at its worst as far as I am concerned. He sends support money when he feels like it (he makes a 6 figure income so he’s not hurting for money), he visits maybe half a dozen times a year and never stays for more than a few hours. He always acts like he feels uncomfortable while he is here and like he can’t wait to leave. He sends our son expensive gifts at the holidays but even though I always have gifts for him he hasn’t gotten me a gift since 2006. He hasn’t taken our son to visit his other grandparents since 2007 and I’ve been surprised that they have never questioned this. He denies that there is another woman in his life but refuses to give me any reason why he doesn’t want us to live together again! He’s been a workaholic since college graduation (he was with his teenage jobs as well according to his mother) but to work so much that you desert your family entirely just doesn’t make any sense to me! This is a man who visited me and our new baby only once in the hospital after an emergency c-section and only once after I experienced the cardiac arrest that started all this. He went to work while I was in major surgery! And no, he’s not afraid of hospitals b/c when his dad was very sick he hardly ever left his bedside for six WEEKS even though he had to take a leave of absence from work. Do you know how bad it hurt that he would take family leave for his dad but not for me?!?!?!
I always made good money myself before I got sick and I KNOW I never made him feel like he had to worry about primary responsibility for our family finances. I thought we had a good life before I got sick, and I can’t understand why he decided to walk away from it. I would have THOUGHT he would have been happy that I got better but the way he acts now I feel like he wishes I had died instead.
I can understand that he might have felt helpless about my illness – but he had no control over his father’s illness either, and he didn’t abandon his father the way he did me. Our wedding vows said in sickness and in health, and I feel like he bugged out on that one.
June 6th, 2010 at 9:14 AM
Dear Bren,
I am so sorry for your experiences, the pain they have caused, and your loss. The loss I am speaking of is of your marriage and husband. He is simply gone. He didn’t handle it well did he? We could label his actions cowardly and without honor and integrity, but what would that accomplish. I’m sorry, but he’s made his choices, even if he does have the spine to communicate them. Why are you still holding on? Why aren’t you divorced and collecting child support regularly? Because you don’t want to let go. That is the problem. You married an addict. A workaholic which indicates dissociation from feelings. Why are you surprised that he is unfeeling to you. Probably he learned it from his dad, who was no more loving then he is, but maybe at his death bed he got, or at least hoped for some love or connect with him. Since he was a little boy he probably wanted that. I doubt he got it. He certainly didn’t show it. And you are still waiting for him to be a loving feeling man instead of the shut down little boy his actions indicate he is. Time to let go and move on, he has. Find love and seek help as to why you are so codependently addicted to him. You made a bad choice in a man, find one who is capable of loving, you deserve that.
June 15th, 2010 at 10:46 AM
I am 18 and have never met my father. He left my mother a few months before I was born. From what I hear he was origanlly excited that my mother was pregnant. However, a few months went by and he just left her. Ironically he left her for his common law wife which he left to be with my mother. My father and his wife had a son together.Often I wonder how he could leave one child for another. How could he not have loved me as much as his other child? It’s infuriating to think about!Sometimes it feels like I can only see half of myself.
June 15th, 2010 at 11:04 AM
Dear Ban,
Unfortunately, your father was immature, so was your mother, and probably his “common law wife.” Their situation was confused and unhealthy. And you are suffering from it. You are a whole being, not half. You have a father, he is just not in your life. I understand how that feels like you are missing something, that connection to your father. You will need to nourish that part of you, the little girl inside that still needs his love. Love her with your mature older part, the part that is love. Image holding her and loving her till she feels totally loved, then take her into your heart. You will need to forgive your father, mother for the situation that did not consider you. They were simple too immature, screwed up and self-involved. Image them in your mind and see them as they were, not as you wished them to be. Forgive them, and release them and all you hurt and resentments. Image a column of light coming down and cleansing all the energy. Then image your inner child, and yes I know you are not far from being a child yourself. See her, forgive her for anything she may have thought was her fault (it wasn’t). See that energy go up to the light. Then take her into your heart. Do this as many times as you need.
July 27th, 2010 at 6:16 PM
When I met my ex husband had two children from a previous marriage who he loved very deeply. We got married and had a further two children. Our marriage started to crack after my eldest daughter was born. In my mind he changed into a very different person, just my perception. We seperated five years ago as I just couldn’t take any more of the mental abuse from him. He started seeing his now girlfriend ten days after he left the family home. She doesn’t like children ! So he saw my two kids for a couple of years and then just stopped. No explanation, no contact, no phone call …. nothing. That was nearly a year ago now. He lives with his girlfriend five minutes away from my house ! At first I tried to contact him, but after a few months of leaving messages begging him to get in touch with his children I gave up. I still have regular contact with my step children and we get on really well. He refuses to speak to any of his four children.
The reason I am trying to understand how he can do this is because my relationships are being badly effected by the abuse he put me through at the end of our marriage. I can’t seem to let anybody get close to me because I expect them to behave in the abusive way he did. Some how I need to let go of the past, I need it to stop effecting my future. I need to forgive this man. But how on earth can I forgive a man who continues to treat his four children so badly ? I just don’t know how he lives with himself, I don’t know how he sleeps at night …. I just don’t get it ! But I need to, cause otherwise this horrible man will keep damaging my future nd the future of my kids.
Any ideas would be very welcome. thx
August 12th, 2010 at 2:42 PM
Your explanation of this is completely weak. My ex-husband has left my 9 year old for the last seven years of her life..it is inexcusable. You are pointing out the “why” of it all from a male perspective, however, you fail to point out you are describing a very weak character. How much strength do you think it takes the Mother to withstand supporting and parenting an abandoned child/children alone…and she gets NO quarter, but your description of these men completely justifies it. This is how these men can rationalize it; there is no excuse for abadoning a child you have created: NONE! It is immoral and in my opinion, these men should be held accountable in the highest court and frankly go to prision for what they are doing to their own children and subsequently the breakdown of society. I sought some solace by trying to understand how my child’s sperm donar could do this, but your reasons just incense any woman who has to pick up the brunt of a man that could do this to their own offspring. God bless these women who have so much strength for their children!!
October 7th, 2010 at 11:23 PM
I was very pleased to come across this page today. Shocking that so many women have gone through the same kind of thing. What ‘weak’ wrote is very accurate, and every story I’ve read ois so inspiring. I could never understand how a person can do such a thing and it’s been on my mind for 5 years. Dr. Eigen has shed some light on this for me. I have learned a lot. I too have been raising a child all on my own due to the irresponsibility of my husband (now x). I loved him very much and always supported him, but when it was my turn for a little support, he just turned the other cheek. I eventually left him because he also had a computer addiction and was in severe denial about it and never spent time with me or the baby. Since my baby was born, everything in my world could never be as important. How can other things or people be more important to a man than his own wife and esp. baby??? All I know is there is more than meets the eye in this world and their time is gonna come. So do your best ladies. You are not alone. Peace love & happiness to all of you. G-d blesses you everyday with little treasures. Thank G-d you have the capacity to feel ! Real pure love! Although it hurts somewhere somehow everyday- I feel your strength and it inspires me. Thank you.
October 20th, 2010 at 2:56 PM
Hi,
I came across this site after a web search. I actually would like your advice on the flip side of things. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago while we both were living in separate states. He was going through a divorce of 12 years and has 2 boys, 11 & 13. He loves them very much. His Ex-wife always criticized him and pushed him out of their life. But he is a wonderful person and has always treated her with respect and in part, keeps the peace for his sons. Because my career is here, he decided to move here and be with me full-time. While he still maintains a good connection with his sons, he feels like he has abandoned them and feels torn. I did not force him to make a decision although I told him that I would not be ready to move there because my family (parents, sister) and career are HERE but maybe in the future. I told him that I understood if he needed to stay but he did not want to carry-on long-distance (I’m not a fan either) and he said the separation is good for him to move forward, although hard. Everything seems to feel right for now but my question is…While going through a divorce is it OK to have some space (we are thinking 1 year) being separated from the kids or was it not a good decision for him to move here? He keeps beating himself up about it but he does need to start anew and we are making future plans to move back to the area.
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:24 AM
Difficult situation, I feel for you both. I also feel for the boys who need their dad. I would have recommended staying and maintaining a LDR, long distance relationship, as the kids will grow up and be on their own sooner than later. Then he could move. His moving which makes the divorce easier for him, feels like abandonment to the kids. Perhaps he could man-up and handle that. I did that and it certainly was not easy, delayed the healing for me, but was the right thing for my girls. If he would choose this, than you need to figure out how to support him doing this and how to keep an LDR. That means get unlimited phone plans or ones that have free aspects like friends and family, or Verizon to Verizon. Support him in his healing, frequent weekend travel is a must, etc. Remember, the boys will be on their own in no time. That will be the time to relocate. But then you already knew that inside.
Now, if the move is set in stone, then he needs to maintain constant communication and travel to see them as often as possible. Make sure they have cell phones and were clearly told they could call anytime about anything. AND KEEP TELLING THEM I LOVE YOU, and make sure they know the divorce had nothing to do with them. This takes a lot of work. Make sure they know he is doing this out of love for them, and it is not a burden. They must not feel guilty about anything. Remember, the father is the model of masculinity and running away from a difficult situation to a easy one that disregards others is not a positive model. Blessings to you all.
November 17th, 2010 at 9:52 AM
Wow,I came across this website today by accident, but I now believe God sent me to it…I was married for 8 yrs to the man of my dreams..when I met him he was everything I wanted in a man..he put family first and that has always been so important tome..he even accepted my daughter as a part of me and loved her (her father died when she was 3)..he has a child from a previous relationship as well..in 2005 we had a son..he was very excited but a bit nervous..but I thought in time all would be fine..and it was..until this year…he went to work out of town ..and something changed…this once loving man would come home and almost be bitter from the time he walked in the door..I took him aside and asked what was wrong..almost begged him to tell me what is bothering him..nothing was always the answering..I began to pray that God would give him the words to discuss with me what he was feeling and the reason for his behavior…I would pray to God to give me the patience until he could come to me and talk…he came home and stayed for one week and was due back in Louisiana the following week…I notice he was distant..and I went to him..telling him I know leaving is hard and do you think maybe you should just stay home and get a job local..but he assured me once again everything was ok…well after he left he called…told me he has been seeing another woman and that he was not coming back…that he could not be with me anymore..I was a very loving kind wife..always there for him..always willing to listen ..now months later here I am…he has not sent any money (I have filed for child support)..christmas is coming up (NO MONEY)…my house is in foreclosure cause I cant make the mortgage payment…and his ex called me the other day to tell me she is taking him to court to terminate his parental rights because he has not paid her child support all year (although he told me he was)..I received a letter from the courts the other day and he has a warrant out for his arrest..since he has not paid child support..they have suspended his license…As mom’s we are left to deal with the bills, the cuts and bruises, the nights the kids cry for their father…he has not seen our kids since he left and has only called about 3 times..he will not have to be here on christmas when there is nothing under the tree…he will not be here when they come and tell us to we have to leave our home..the only home my children have ever known…does he not realize (or care) what affect his actions has had on these children…how can he ever look them in their eyes and tell them he loves them after all this…I am sorry if I sound bitter but I think I have every right…men leaving and abandoning their families is an epidemic in this country…and the men are getting away with it…reminds me of a movie I saw …where a guy said ..in some states you have to have a license to have a dog..but they will let anyone be a father…
December 22nd, 2010 at 11:42 AM
My husband left 2.5 years ago. In an effort to give the details without broing you…after justing turning 40, he had an affair with a woman at work, I found out, he said he would stop, we went to counseling, he never stopped seeing her, I found out again, and he left demanding a divorce shortly afterward. We had a very normal life, were raising 3 children, no problems with money, drugs, alcohol, etc….just middle America. Even a week before he left us he wrote “I will love you forever” in a birthday card to me…anyway, he is gone, he and the woman lost their jobs, she divorced her husband, and now my husband is living with her and her children about 8 hours away and just yesterday referred to her and them as “my family”. Can you please help me understand this psychology. I miss the man I married and keep hooping to see him again. We were a great family though he now wants to re-write that history. We have three children 17,14,6 but the two older ones are not in communication with him as they knew the woman and really understood what happened. Our youngest visits with him but he cancels a lot and now wants our young son to spend a bunch of time with his new “family” up there – I am so sad. The children often tell me “we had the best family and that is why they are mad…if we saw anger and hatred, we’d be happy it was over, Mom, but that is not how it was.”
I struggle with wanting the answers, what happened to him, how can he really be this person today…where is my husband, etc.
I feel like I should be over this since it has been over two years and the divorce was final about a year now but I just don’t understand and want answers and want my husband and family back.
December 22nd, 2010 at 6:26 PM
My dear Mary,
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you feel. There is nothing I can say to make this better. Your husband was looking for – himself – in a cowardly way. Like most, he thinks the outer world is where he will find “it.” I’ll bet you know better, but that doesn’t make it better, does it? The worst part is he will have to distance himself from you and the kids further, otherwise he will have to face what he has created. So he will cause further harm out of his cowardice. The other women has done the same with her family. They both will conspire to hide the damage they both created from the ashes of their vows. The wounds will take time to heal, give yourself the time you need. Stop the self talk that you should be over it. When you’re ready you will move on. Love your yourself and kids and don’t try and poison them. They will have to resolve this themselves. You have my heartfelt blessings on this journey that will be developing a new you.
January 17th, 2011 at 3:21 PM
Dear Ben,
My situation is different. My father and mother never married. She left with me (he knew about me) but didn’t wish to keep in touch with me. Not sure why? My early memories of him where when I spend summers at my grandparents and my grandfather took me to the store he worked at to see me and hold me. Never a call, never a card, he never made the efforts. Until recently when I found him on facebook. I again reached out. Conversations never said dad, daughter in them just how are you, you look happy. He would snoop into my life from afar and never get to know me. I made a stand on this new year to tell my dad how I felt wanting so much to have a relationship with him, get to know my half brothers ect. I heard nothing back. Then two of my half brothers connected withme on facebook, again nothing said. I messaged him immediately to find out if he told them how I was. I never heard a thing. So I watched as they posted on my status updates, very harmless one of them wrote a riddle, I posted the answer and in return he said “leave us alone, Don’t call his parents! and if I think this was bad just wait till I get his letter”. I immediately unfriended them on facebook and blocked them from my finding me again on there. I wrote my dad what had happened and asked that he not send me that letter as I am sure it was of hate and it would be too painful for me. I am sad. Why know that all children (4 boys, I am the only girl) are grown over 18 and out of the home is it hard for them to accept who I am. What would make a man just cut out and deny one child the right to know him, and his family health. I think about that alot as I am over 40. How can a parent just move on and forget about one child over others. He never had another daughter, only boys. I would love to know my half brothers. I WANT NOTHING from anyone of them. Just acknowledged and asked to be a part of his life. How could they not care to know me? God forbid they need a major organ and seek me out later, I can’t help but think I would not be there for them.
Can you explain this please?
January 19th, 2011 at 10:28 AM
Not sure who “Ben” is.
As to your father. Perhaps the situation was very painful and you are opening new wounds, or they feel guilt and regret. The brothers you don’t know responded protectively as though you are trying destabilizing their dad. They are protecting him. Maybe they think you want something (money or support). Maybe dad is just an emotional coward. God only knows and you may never know. If he won’t connect, there is nothing you can do. You are making his choosing isolation from you personal. This is understandable, but his behavior have little to do with you. You don’t know what went on, or what his feelings were. You don’t know your mother’s part in all this, only that she was your mother. You hardly mentioned her, as though she was innocent “bit player,” in this situation. Perhaps she was the cause of all this and it was just too painful for him. What does your mother have to say about the breakup, ask her for the truth, demand it. You may still not get it. I would almost guarantee she has not told you the truth. If she is deceased ask her friends and relatives. Maybe you were taken away from him against his will, as father had little rights, especially if not married. You absolutely must realize that you are opening Pandora’s Box. Are you treating the wounded delicately, or being needy, pulling, demanding, or accusatory in tone? You were not the only one wounded! I am sorry, but you may never get to the truth.
Also, as a child did you deep down inside blame yourself as though you weren’t lovable enough, or were at cause somehow? Forgiveness, the release of blame, of all and yourself is called for as part of the healing. Seek all assistance in this healing as it already has and will continue to affect your life until understood, released, and healed.
January 24th, 2011 at 4:47 PM
I could never imagine leaving my babies, but my husband is ready to just get up and leave them – missing every milestone and giggle – just because he has decided that he hates me and his hate is stronger than his love for his children.
I don’t particularly like him right now, but the happiness of my children are more important that my own. How come, it seems, men place their own happiness before that of their children?
My husband is leaving a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and one in utereo. What I don’t understand is how he is capable of leaving? How is he capable of denying his own children – how can men live with themselves??
I read your original post and some of the responses afterward and I still don’t get it – men are ‘taught’ to not care? Is that it? Even if their fathers were loving, caring fathers – how are they ‘taught’ to think of themselves before others?
January 24th, 2011 at 10:19 PM
WOW, Let me explain why a man looses hope and feels he has no options.
Hello, I am father of 4 girls. 14,10,8 and 2. I love all my kids more then words can say. I was 16 when my first daughter was born, I was denied visitation before the baby was even born. I filed the paper work and went to court, about 5 separate times. The first 4 times the court continued it because the mother didn’t show up. The 5th time she didn’t show either. The judge told me I need to take parenting classes then I could have visitation every other weekend for 6 hours. So I drove 2 hours to the mother new boyfriends parents house to see our daughter. Oh and buy this point the baby called the new boyfriend daddy. I hung in there and was the best father I could be. I had a new girl friend and settled into a regular visitation schedule even able to bring her home for weekends. Things were going good until the new boyfriend got the mother of my daughter pregnant and left her. Then she found reasons why I could not see the baby. i.e.(I’d be late for pick up or drop off, my girlfriend was showing the baby bad habits) ext. So back to court we went. Not just for visitation but now I owed back child support. The mother of my daughter was collecting county aid and did not report the support I was giving her. The out come, I owed 10,000 in back support. I could no longer take the baby for weekends and I had to pay 336.00 a month in child support. Fine I dealt with it. Subsequently the mother of my child moved and didn’t tell me. I tried all I could but nothing was done. In 2009 I was searching the internet and found my daughters mother on myspace. I was told to go F myself and told my daughter wanted nothing to do with me. I laid off and a few months latter and they agreed to meet me. It had be 8 years and a lot of damage had been done. Although I didn’t feel it was true I took all the blame. The mother of my daughter had no problem bad mouthing me and made it perfectly clear I abandoned my daughter. I saw my daughter a for about 6 months. Nothing I could do was rite. After having an argument with the mother I was uninvited to my daughters 13th birthday party. I called my daughter and explained what happen but I was wrong and her mother could do no wrong. I have not seen her since. My daughter will not give me the time of day. She will be 15 in august. I don’t feel I have any option but to leave her alone. The courts have already shown that a father daughter relationship is second to mother and daughter. So can on of you people that seem to have all the answers and seem to do no wrong tell me how to battle a woman that only wants to sabotage a fathers relationship with their child.
The disappointment does not stop there. In 2004 after 7 years together and 2 children the I was with and I broke up. I caught her in bed with one another man. I took her back then she cheated with 2 men that lived in our bldg. One of witch she stayed with. He ended up molesting our 4 and 6 year old daughters. I won’t go into detail but prior to that I tried to reach out to the court and cps. Needless to say nothing was done. I was considered a bitter ex boyfriend. Its sad it took my daughters getting molested for anybody to listen. I was granted custody of the girls. I volunteered to take parenting classes and go to personal counseling. The whole time I was under a microscope and the system was pushing to reunify the girls with their mother. Keep in mind she refused to give the police her boyfriends name so they could investigate. I was the one to take the girls to the police. So now its been a couple years and I decided I’d be nice and work out a 50% 50% physical custody arrangement. Well that ended up biting me in the rear. I live with My wife and our 2 year old daughter and I’ve lost count how many times my ex has call cps, and children council claiming child abuse. Ive been called a drug dealer, I’ve been called crazy. Our 2 year old had a cancer scare and do to my ex calling cps, every time we take the baby to children’s hospital there is a social worker there because my ex claims we didn’t take care of the babies heath needs. The case was closed but they still have to attend all future appointments until the doctors release the baby.I am truly afraid to have my older girls at my house in fear I say or do the wrong thing and I’ll lose not just them but our 2 year old as well. I have done nothing to harm my children, but because my ex is mad I have to live with the system looking over my shoulder. I’m told she can call as much as she wants and they have to investigate all reports. Until you live this way you can never know the stress it causes. With no help from the system my only option is to stay away to protect my youngest daughter, my wife and myself. By staying away it stops the access my ex needs to gain info she can potentially embellish to make it seem my children need to be removed from my home. I lost with out my kids. I’m also beat and trying to hold on for the daughter I do have. So tell me when will woman stop crying victim and start owning up to at least some fault, and the court needs to stop showing favoritism to the mother. If that happens maybe things would better. different,
February 9th, 2011 at 12:04 PM
This has provided an explanation for me. Thank you. I’m still deeply hurt that my children will one day be affected by the abandonment of their father. We aren’t divorced although he left me for someone 13 years younger and after 3 months of courting her, they live together. Needless to say I have filed for divorce because he makes the excuse of it being too expensive. He calls our children maybe twice a week to tell them how much he loves and misses them and I think this is very damaging. It’s just a constant reminder to them that he is not around (although 5 mins away). Recently he hasn’t made much effort to see them. When he does it’s never consistent. I use to think it was just him being selfish but I see that it may be much deeper. At one point I was calling and texting him about him being irresponsible. I see now that this may have pushed him further away. In the past two weeks I have made a vow to myself that I can’t compensate for his absence and I can’t pressure him to be in his children s lives. I have so much to say to him about his way of parenting but I know that’s not my job! Is there hope that he will one day live up to the promises of being a responsible parent?
May 4th, 2011 at 8:54 PM
I am so sick of the excuses being made for the “men” that do this. It’s irresponsible, and very selfish. Who cares what is happening with the adults. It’s the child that matters. I can’t see any excuse or reason that is more important than an innocent child. My son is 3 and his father has never paid one dime in child support and he hasn’t seen him in over a year. Not even a phone call. But boo hoo, he feels like a failure…… Poor thing. That is just crazy!
May 26th, 2011 at 12:43 AM
I’m 20 years old. My father left my sister and I about 13 years ago. For the first year or so we’d see him every (or every other) weekend. He up and married his girlfriend and moved out of the country with his new wife and her children. He was supposed to call me once a week; my mom would have to call and beg him to call my sister and I. Eventually she gave up on it and calls were fewer and fewer. On average, he would come and visit around once a year. When he moved back to the states, we saw him about twice a year. Though, I eventually noticed the random fall visits, he would come back to go to football games, not to see us. I caught him a few times! Really?!?!? He can go to football games and ignore the fact that I live in the same area!?
My mom had me go live with him about 2.5 years ago for about 8 months. I would try to build a relationship with him. I would try talking to him about what was going on in my life, help him out in his shop, and would help him do chores just to be able to spend some time with him. Since I moved back to the city my mom lives in, I hardly ever talk to him. Occasionally I’ll send him a text and getting a reply back sometimes seems like it’s too much. I feel like I am holding on to a lost cause but I still don’t want to give up.
I don’t know if this is affecting my behavior. I don’t think I can (or don’t let myself) love to my full potential. I love my boyfriend of over 1 year but I feel like I’m the one being distant. There are days I see my father in myself. I hate that I love my father, so very deeply.
May 30th, 2011 at 8:07 AM
I understand the pain you are feeling. Your father has issues with openness as do a lot of men caused by societies training. You probably will never get the love you desire so much, in the way you want, from him. You might see if he is showing it in other ways you are not noticing. I would see a counselor as these issues are affecting your life and other will feel overwhelmed or rejected as you project these issues on them. You will need to heal these issues in order to have a lasting loving relationship.
June 1st, 2011 at 1:32 PM
Married for 18 yrs to the most lovable, caring, sweetest man. Never said a mean thing to me. We went threw allot to start our family 4 IVF’s 1 son 13.We’ve had problems all marriages do. He had a gambling problem lost the house & everything. In 5yrs we got it back. I stayed with him he made a mistake this is my family we can fix this; you hold your family together. 2008 he became very moody, irritable around us, he was tired working lot. Got to be he wouldn’t do family things, avoided us & the bills weren’t being paid. Promises, days off, activists with our son broken.He had CHF in 2009 & a D,FIB put in June. I begged him for us to work on being a happy family again & about a week before our anniversary I told him I couldn’t live like this & if nothing was going to get better a divorce would be better he cried tears & all pointing to his heart who would want him like this & that he loved us & we would fix this. On our anniversary a text on his cell (I love you) I didn’t tell him I seen it. Called 2 days later asked him, he said nothing so I called the # found out. When he got home He cussed me out said things I never heard out of his mouth. I filed for Divorcé, he refused to leave & is still cheating & would walk by me telling me what kind of sex they had his feeling towards her. He went at our son cussing over homework telling him he had a girlfriend had sex hugged & kissed her & told him about her children & asked my son to take her son fishing. My son started waking up crying doing badly in school stopped playing with friends. I do have him in counseling now. I also begged his dad to go he refuses. He moved 3months later only comes every other weekend to see our son. Text & calls started to stop & now about 3 weeks ago my son finally spoke up to his dad demanding he stop seeing this women she knew he was married and had a family (remember he told our son everything)that as long as has with her he wants nothing to do with him. My son asked his dad to choose Him or that women. His dad told him that’s not a choice & he said to my son don’t you want dad to be happy. My son said me my mom didn’t have a choice I don’t have a choice that my dads not here with me everyday. Next I heard him call his dad a coward and hung up the phone. Now he won’t answer the calls or text messages. His Dad has made no effort in fixing his relationship with our son a week ago he stopped by just for 1 min my son locked himself in his room wouldn’t speak to him. My husband said what do you want me to do. I told him, What do you think you should do & how sad that your son is telling you what he needs from you to fix this & be his dad you told him your not choosing your the adult & I said your son has more morals & knows right from wrong than you do. You should be coming to him not him to you. Then he walked out & left. He leaves my son the same message over & over I love you, I miss you, call me. Just finding out allot about a man I thought was so different very Narcotic the lies, manipulating just found out he has cheated several times one of them told me he might even have a kid but wont admit I never knew any of this he hid it well thinking he is narcissistic has sex addictions & with the gambling it coincides. Im feeling lost betrayed makes me feel dirty what he could have brought home how you could do this to your family and look them in the face & show no respect no remorse no love & demand respect from your son & want me to condone you & when I wont he says why do I need to act like this what did I do wrong REALLY.I hope in a way he does stay away I think for my son it would be better. I do everyday tell him I love you! You’re a good kid & everything will be ok. He said I don’t want to be like dad. When I grow up I will be everything he’s not….. Thank you Dr Eigen.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:35 PM
My sons father and I had a 3 year relationship. Things seemed to be pretty much fine (Really fairly calm relationship). He did show emotional issues around what he seemed to obsess over hos mother being mistreated by his father. He would literally cry and go on for hours recounting his wounds caused by his father and what his father did to his mother and how he thought everything else was more important than his family. When we first were intimate we asked me could I really love him and I strived to do just that. Whenever he withdrew because of what he felt was his in abilities I pressed in thinking this was showing him the love he wanted. He said we would get married when I got pregnant and then he starting having severe anxiety attacks which he blamed on him losing his hair. He idolized his mother and she did not like me because I had a child out of wedlock. She told him if he married me she would have a heart attack. He did express concern on not wanting to hurt his mother. Long story short he left out of the Blue when I was 8 months pregnant moved 3000 miles away. Told his family that he was trying to protect himself me so don’t tell me where he was. I still said I would love him thru this counting it off as fear. He didn’t come to see our son until he was 3 months old. His parents came before he did. When he finally came to see him we tried to 6 months to work it out and he disappeared again for the last 10 months. This time I didn’t say anything to his family so that he would have nothing to point the finger at me about. He recently sent a message thru his father that he doesn’t want to even be a part of our sons life that he just wants to pay child support. The reason he stated is because he doesn’t want to be around me. His father said he said it is the hardest decision he has ever had to make (are you kidding me) The part that hurts the most is what does he have to use me a a scapegoat instead of being honest. All I ever did was love him. His family does seem to see a problem with this, but the want me to field their phone calls day and night and send pictures, when they don’t even care tthat his father has seen him only 5 times. He has me scratching my head trying to figure out what did I do so worng. I wonder having a good relationship with his dad was the reason? Why don’t they fight harder to break this pattern. In his mind is it really me as the reason, the women that has patiently waited out all of the leaving, crying, anxiety, reliving of childhood trama?
July 5th, 2011 at 9:13 PM
Dr.Eigen I am really looking forward to your reply to my above posting.Thank you, Ann
July 12th, 2011 at 11:47 AM
Men refuse to evolve, grow up, man up and own up! This is an observable FACT! Now it is not ALL men, but the mass majority. And I am still trying to figure out what happened exactly to these men in the past 2 decades. But men love to make choices of their own and take no responsibility for it. And what is even more pathetic is they like to point the finger at WOMEN for what they themselves did or helped to create. It is about high time that men start owning themselves and stop being cowards! And what domino effect this causes is that women, due to the irresponsibility of men, find the strength, courage, resources, and wisdom to soldier on inspite of the injustice. And what happens then? Men are left with themselves and their spineless counterparts in their caves having a big ole pity party, bashing those of us who CHOSE to live with some integrity and courage. Please! You guys are getting left behind and medical science is making it to where us women don’t really need you. Hey, if you don’t evolve you will get left behind! MOTHER nature will see to that! And you know what, maybe you should. Us more evolved beings can start over and begin to create a generation of sons that EXCEL and EVOLVE and you losers can be a thing of the past!
August 5th, 2011 at 11:36 AM
Three years ago I suffered a stroke and became reliant on my husband for support. We have two teenage children. When we lost my income, he became very depressed. During my rehabilitation he sank further into depression, lost his job, required hospitalisation. I recovered to the point of being able to go back to work part-time. However, I felt pressure to work harder because we needed my income. He was now unemployed. Our marriage suffered. He became difficult to talk with and very quarrelsome. However, he has recovered enough now to recently leave the family and is living a bachelor’s life,. I feel resentful because I have been left with all the responsibility for physical maintenance of a large house, pets and children, as well as an uncertain future because of the link between second stroke and stress. I am having to work full time to support us, while still recovering from a brain haemorrhage and my husband is blaming me for sabotaging the relationship.
Our couples counsellor describes his behaviour as passive-aggressive.
I just want him to take some of the responsibility for the family, because I am afraid of having another stroke.
It feels as if he is trying to punish me for daring to depend on him.
I dont understand how he could possibly continue to put my health at further risk, not to mention leaving his children at such a time. He acts surprised when I say that I will help him to move out in order to establish some boundaries. He visits and has only taken essential belongings with him. It is hard for me to move on because his furniture and most belongings are in every room of the house.
I dont believe there is another woman involved but I almost wish there was, because I cant believe what he has done. It’s not as if I ever acted like a victim. I’ve worked hard to recover. But I now have to take care of everyone at a time when I could really use some looking after, myself. He is projecting a heap of attitudes onto me, such as martyrdom and immaturity.
I just wish I could understand what the heck is going on.
August 5th, 2011 at 7:58 PM
The latest scientific research into Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) was undertaken in Korea and published in May 2011. The study controlled for cultural differences and compliance issues, and found that approx. 1 in 38 Korean school children had some degree of ASD. The core disability of this condition is lack of empathy and egocentrism. This figure has escalated from previous estimates of 1 in 200. ASDs which are undiagnosed in childhood do not suddenly disappear when the person is an adult, but it is often difficult for professionals to detect. Social psychologists consistently ignore the neurological facts of human nature and focus on environmental and social factors. I was married to a man with an ASD for 26 years, and my son is also on the spectrum. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, he decided he didn’t want the responsibility of caring for me and left. His son has suffered so much, and at one stage did not leave the house for 2 years. He was functioning well before my husband left, and we had a happy family life. I now care for my son, and have given up any hope for a “normal” life. The post by Stephanie Sheehan above seems to reveal a similar situation where her son is diagnosed, and her undiagnosed husband has fled. Women on the spectrum are also known to leave their families, and Cambridge Uni is currently researching the incidence of women on the Autism Spectrum. I would advise any women reading this post to Google ASDs and start really learning about why some men run away. It is because every aspect of their lives is all about them. They do not have the neurological wiring to anticipate the distress and heartache that such an act can cause to the family left behind. They are children in adult bodies.
August 15th, 2011 at 11:40 AM
fathers for justice…
David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™ » Why Men Leave Their Children…
December 3rd, 2011 at 4:45 PM
The point is men should never abandon their children and we shouldn’t blame the mother Dr.Eigen. You are just making excuses for your male counterparts.
The lack of moral conscience of these men is utterly disgusting. Shame on them!
December 30th, 2011 at 6:21 PM
I understand that for a variety of reasons men want to escape the monotony of the child rearing years – I can understand this, dealing with babies and preschoolers is hard – yes, even for us women. I simply do not understand why it is considered so ACCEPTABLE for people (especially men) to break promises, to run off with other people and to never stick around long enough to experience unconditional love for a partner. That means that you do not always have to LIKE someone, but you know that you will always love them. ANd that is not the same as infatuation, or lust or falling “in love”, which of course is a hormonal response that all human beings (male or female) can relate to. However, we are sentient beings, capable of rising above our primordial responses, no? And there are many examples in humanity and in other animals of the ability to form lasting and meaningful bonds, that do not break just because a sexy secretary eyes us up while the wife is home in sweats with the pooping infants? Furthermore, what did these men see in the women that they married, that made them love them enough at some point to make vows? To DECIDE to have children with them? No. I am sorry. I can see WHY men might find fatherhood and husbandhood overwhelming at times, but what I do not understand is why we condone them running because of that – there is a double standard of epic proportions. If todays highly-educated, competitive FEMALE was to dump her husband AND children in similar circumstances then society would still ostracise her to a great degree. Sorry, but whatever point you are trying to make here, the abandoning father does not deserve quite as much sympathy and understanding as you are trying to make out, whatever pain they might feel is outweighed a hundred fold by the women and children that they leave behind…
January 11th, 2012 at 2:00 AM
I am in a situation where I am deciding to leave my wife and the children are in the middle of it. I can’t take the emotional abuse from her anymore. I think the only reason we are still living together is because of financial reasons. She wanted a divorce in June and then changed her mind to a separation. Once I was laid off from her father’s company, we decided to live together until one of us finds a job. I am guilty too of verbal abuse (direct attacks; u r controlling, u r selfish). I am leaving my kids physically but not emotionally. I love my kids and I will always be part of their lives. My wife says I am abandoning them. I believe I am far from doing that. I plan to call or web cam with them as much as possible, know what’s going on in their lives, get visitation as much as possible. The hard part for me is that they will remain here on the east coast and I want to move to the west coast. It’s just not a black and white situation, so don’t judge so quickly. My wife and I are unemployed and our savings is running out. We had planned to move back to the west coast where my family and friends live, she also lived there for a few years, that’s where we met. I left the west coast 6 years ago when she got pregnant. She was living in Alaska at the time and I picked up and moved to Alaska. Because that’s what I wanted to do (sacrifice) and be part of my sons life. It made sense for me to move up to Alaska because my wife (girlfriend at the time) had just got a promotion and bought a condo. It was easier for me to move up there. I was a stay at home dad for four years supporting my wife’s career. We got married two years later and moved to the east coast for her job. We bought a house and I continued to be a stay at home dad. After two years on the east coast and after our second son was born she wanted to stay at home with our kids. I was more than happy to switch roles and supported her decision. I started looking for a job and after a couple of months I went to the west coast by myself, living with family to look for work. I was out there for three months and didn’t find a job. Then her father’s employer had an opening and I decided to accept it. We decided to stay here on the east coast but knowing that I wanted to move back to the west coast. I worked from home so I could work from anywhere. We tried selling our house and couldn’t get an offer we were okay with. Took the house off the market and wanted to wait after winter to put it back on the market. Then after winter she said she didn’t want to move to the west coast because our relationship isn’t where she wants it to be. We don’t have any family near us and only a couple of friends here. We both have kind of unhappy here. We currently became good friends with our neighbors so that makes things a little better. The nearest family members are her parents and brother and they live 8 hours away. I believe having family and friends in our lives are important. I became depressed the last year and half. I am making progress getting out of this depression. I told my wife that I wasn’t happy here on the east coast and wanted to move back to the west coast. I have always been around family and friends and think that is a big part of life. I had told her when I moved to Alaska that I don’t mind moving around for a few years but want to move back to the west coast at some point. I want to raise my kids on the west coast near family and friends. I expressed this to her this past year and half and told her that I need her to support me on this decision to move back to the west coast. I told her I wasn’t happy here on the east coast. She said she wasn’t moving until our relationship is stable. I told her we can move to the west coast where we will have family and friend support to work on our relationship. We don’t have any support here besides our neighbors and that’s limited. I told her the move to the west coast is what I think would be best for our relationship and for the family. She still thinks it’s not the best thing for her or the kids because of our separation. I don’t even want to separate but she is adamant about a separation. I think a separation tells someone to deal with your own stuff on your own. So it’s inevitable to avoid a separation with her at this time. She says she wants to give it a year before she decides to file for a divorce, to see if we can work things out. She has withdrawn all affection and continues to emotionally abuse me. This leads me to leave her. I can’t take the emotional abuse anymore. The down side to this is that I can’t take my kids because the state won’t allow me and I can’t prove she’s a drug addict or an unfit mother. So it’s not an easy situation. I need to find a job and that’s why I want to move back to the west coast now. i have looked for jobs here too but money is running out. I just feel like I have been betrayed from my wife. I supported her career and moved to places for her career the past six years. Once I asked for her support, she says no. Please let me know your thoughts. She tells me I am abandoning the kids by moving but I think she and the state are keeping them hostage and trapped here. I want my kids to go with me; I even want my wife to come with me too. I explained to her that it makes sense to me that the kids can be watched by family and friends rather than some strangers. She will be raising them by herself. I just feel like that if I stay here, I will continue living her life and not my own and not introducing my kids to what I think life is about. This also goes with me being depressed the past year. I want them to see the happy and loving me, not saying that I haven’t been but really enjoying life and living what I think life is about, family and friends, and not being sequestered in our home every evening and weekend. Sorry for my post being so long, I am just going through some tough decisions right now and would like some feedback.