Comments on: Blaming Each Other http://www.davideigen.com/2008/07/27/blaming-each-other/ "to love and be loved — and finally to become whole.” Tue, 27 Jul 2010 22:16:48 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.5 hourly 1 By: Dr. David Eigen http://www.davideigen.com/2008/07/27/blaming-each-other/comment-page-1/#comment-343 Dr. David Eigen Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:29:22 +0000 http://www.davideigen.com/?p=301#comment-343 Rick, Thanks for responding. You have choice, so does she. Neither has to react to the others reaction, but it sounds like that's what's happening. MAKE NEW CHOICES! Read the other comment for support. Next time she reacts, set the example, lead by example, and choose not to react. Yes, it requires effort at first, but soon you will find it comes easily. You will reap the benefits of leading, and not create the painful battle. And if you screw-up, apologize for reacting to her behavior. You can say "I am still committed to you and committed to not reacting, I am not perfect. I reacted to your behavior which I find (hurtful, selfish, inconsiderate, unacceptable, etc). Please look at this just as I am looking at my reaction, which I recognize was a subconscious choice." - See how that works. If its all your fault in her eyes, tell her that she is a participant in the dance, she is not innocent. If she won't hear it, then its time for counseling and maybe a new partner. I hope that is not the case. Blessings on your experience of experiencing relationship. Ain't it fun! Oh, and by the way, if you reacted, then she has given you a gift. You get to see what part of you said "how high," when she said "jump." What are you resisting, and what does she need that is unspoken. You know this inherently. All this was a choice too. ALL reactions come from within you. Rick,
Thanks for responding. You have choice, so does she. Neither has to react to the others reaction, but it sounds like that’s what’s happening. MAKE NEW CHOICES! Read the other comment for support. Next time she reacts, set the example, lead by example, and choose not to react. Yes, it requires effort at first, but soon you will find it comes easily. You will reap the benefits of leading, and not create the painful battle. And if you screw-up, apologize for reacting to her behavior. You can say “I am still committed to you and committed to not reacting, I am not perfect. I reacted to your behavior which I find (hurtful, selfish, inconsiderate, unacceptable, etc). Please look at this just as I am looking at my reaction, which I recognize was a subconscious choice.” – See how that works. If its all your fault in her eyes, tell her that she is a participant in the dance, she is not innocent. If she won’t hear it, then its time for counseling and maybe a new partner. I hope that is not the case. Blessings on your experience of experiencing relationship. Ain’t it fun!
Oh, and by the way, if you reacted, then she has given you a gift. You get to see what part of you said “how high,” when she said “jump.” What are you resisting, and what does she need that is unspoken. You know this inherently. All this was a choice too. ALL reactions come from within you.

]]> By: Rick Van Weelden http://www.davideigen.com/2008/07/27/blaming-each-other/comment-page-1/#comment-341 Rick Van Weelden Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:00:52 +0000 http://www.davideigen.com/?p=301#comment-341 Hi, This is a great step in the right direction. Thank you for thinking it through as far as you have, and for articulating it so well. However, I would love to hear about the impact of these enlightening concepts on couples who attempt to sincerely alter their behaviors within relationships in accordance with the principles you've outlined. My experience is that even if both a woman and a man agree on the things you have said in principle, there is an ocean of sub conscious beneath this that twarts them no matter how hard they both try. It is just too easy to overreact, to blame, and to express ourselves in terms of the dominant culture or the iconoclastic voices that challange it. What you are proposing takes genuine love and patience and perserverance on the part of both the man and woman. Unfortuately, as soon as one lets his or her cultually permissable guard down, it is too easy for the other to revert to old patterns. Do you have any serious list of individual testimony or study that demonstrates this can actually work? Hi, This is a great step in the right direction. Thank you for thinking it through as
far as you have, and for articulating it so well. However, I would love to hear about
the impact of these enlightening concepts on couples who attempt to sincerely alter
their behaviors within relationships in accordance with the principles you’ve outlined.

My experience is that even if both a woman and a man agree on the things you have said in
principle, there is an ocean of sub conscious beneath this that twarts them no matter how
hard they both try. It is just too easy to overreact, to blame, and to express ourselves
in terms of the dominant culture or the iconoclastic voices that challange it.

What you are proposing takes genuine love and patience and perserverance on the part of both
the man and woman. Unfortuately, as soon as one lets his or her cultually permissable
guard down, it is too easy for the other to revert to old patterns. Do you have any serious list
of individual testimony or study that demonstrates this can actually work?

]]> By: Cecilie Nielsen http://www.davideigen.com/2008/07/27/blaming-each-other/comment-page-1/#comment-308 Cecilie Nielsen Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:10:54 +0000 http://www.davideigen.com/?p=301#comment-308 Hi David! I'm a woman and I was very moved by this article! I'm dating a very emotionally balanced man myself. Not a macho, but a man who dares to show his feelings and speak about them. There are no collisions between us whatsoever. I'm glad a person of authority sheds light on this issue, as you have done here. My date will like your blog! Keep writing! Hi David!

I’m a woman and I was very moved by this article! I’m dating a very emotionally balanced man myself. Not a macho, but a man who dares to show his feelings and speak about them. There are no collisions between us whatsoever. I’m glad a person of authority sheds light on this issue, as you have done here. My date will like your blog!

Keep writing!

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