David G. Eigen, Ph.D.

Now, I am sure you are thinking, what “Divine” notion am I writing of? It is the notion of freedom. We have seen a convenient version of this notion played out in our stock and mortgage markets. Not working too well is it. So what is wrong with the notion of freedom? “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to loose,” so wrote Kris Kristofferson. So how come we have lost so much?

We have mistaken blind egocentric gluttony for freedom. We have been told that a free market will seek equilibrium, just like nature. OK, so much for that illusion. Freedom is a form of love. You can’t love from an egocentric position; you must take into consideration the other party. Not so in our “free” market system. Unbridled capitalism is single-sided gluttony, plain and simple. The bottom line is all that matters. It takes responsibility for nothing and no one. Even the executives attempt to take everything they can from their company and its shareholders. They give themselves going away gifts, called golden parachutes, while everyone else gets golden showers. And this is somehow legal and the role model for corporate executives! Without regulation we will all be working for the company store, in abject poverty. A few fat cats will trickle down pennies to the starving. That’s why there were laws against monopolies. These laws under the guise of “less government” have had their teeth extracted. Lady Justice without teeth gumming the law.

Washington Mutual (WaMu) is a bank that is teetering at the moment. They were successful at offering mortgages with a 1¼ percent “initial” rate (teaser). The actual rate was whatever the going rate was, somewhere in the four to more than five percent range. You can qualify for a much bigger mortgage at the teaser rate then you can at the actual rate, which by the way was adjustable. All you needed to qualify for a refinance was an appraisal and a pulse. As an added bonus, you could choose to pay all your payments at the teaser rate. Of course, that didn’t cover you mortgage payment, so the balance was added to what you owed. This is called negative amortization, though they did not disclose it as such. If you borrowed ninety five percent, you could quickly owe more then the house was worth. This is especially true if the rate adjusts higher, which it did. Now, add to this the fact that houses have dropped substantially in value and you would have a disaster. That’s what we have. And they are wondering why this happened. Blind greed is why.

Why was this allowed, why did WaMu executives even think this was OK? People who can’t qualify, can’t qualify, just as a pig with lipstick is still a pig. Can you imagine a young person who wants to be a pilot being given an F-18 to train in? Of course not, because it is more plane then they can handle. Similarly, if you can only qualify for an illusionary rate of 1¼ percent interest on a home’s value when the non-illusionary rate is 4 times higher, then you have more house then you can handle, dah! Did WaMu executives get huge compensation for what seemed like “successful” loan campaigns, you bet they. Did they donate to their local organizations (politicians) that oversee, or turned a blind eye to their actions using bank money, yes! Did they lose any of their funds or bonuses for this, no! Did most of us turn a blind eye to this, yes! WaMu is just an example of a free market, without oversight. In an ideal world the oversight would come from within each person. As it stands, we don’t need to consider this possibility at present, do we?

OK, so now what do we do? It is time to recreate our notions of what are correct behaviors. Human reality, it is now clear, will not adjust to our ideal notions. Our thinking it will and did is our arrogance. Can you hear the whistle of the approaching freight train? It is the Humility Express. It is going to take the world for a ride. Clearly, it won’t be pleasurable.

We need to be honest, educate all, tax highly these overpaid executives and other gluttons who reap huge profits at the expense of other. And forfeiture, penalties and jail time is proper for those that created this, manipulated for and profited by our present situations, and there are many. We are all responsible and we must all make it right. The actual dynamics of how we do this will have to be reasoned out.  No question we need the teeth put back in our laws and judicial system that have been removed. But definitely no more lies, no more smoke and mirror illusions. Greed and gluttony must be seen not as admirable, but reprehensible. Who we are being as human being must be a top priority and not seen as irrelevant as long as we’re winning. We need to look clearly at what we have chosen to believe as truth that was self-serving, and the truth will set us free.

Men frequently act out roles they’ve learned, find them unfulfilling, and then, seeing no other possibilities, blame women. To men’s continued disappointment, this results in failed relationships. Why? Because men simply don’t know how to behave in partnerships based on feelings. Instead, they are force-fed and accept the stereotype of the fearless macho protector who distrusts and is disconnected from emotions. These men search in vain for fulfilling romantic relationships. They often substitute sex for intimacy, thinking them synonymous, not realizing sex, an aspect of intimacy, requires vulnerability. “Good God, not that!

Women often don’t have a clue about were men come from, but they think they do. “All men want is sex,” being a favorite understanding, a put-down of men. In truth, it is “all men are allowed is sex,” and of course anger. That’s it ladies, all other emotions have be made wrong for men by the patriarchy, with a litany of prohibitions starting with “big boys don’t cry.” Guess who teaches men this? Often, it is their mothers as primary teachers, but also their fathers, peers, and society in general. Who are they taught they are doing this disassociation from feelings for? Women of course! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

This denial of feelings in men prevents their maturing into full men of the powerful and loving sort. You will find women complaining about men as heartless and unfeeling and then chasing the “bad boys.” This is naturally confusing for both genders. Women want the strong masculine “daddy-like” energy that makes the decisions and therefore becomes the responsible party. That icky responsibility that gets in the way of rampant emotional desires. And women are used to it, and have a perverse sort of comfort with macho men. What they get is not what they thought, or need. Then, they make men out to be wrong or bad.

Men want the “mommy-like” energy that nurtures, supports, guides, but most importantly unconditionally loves and approves of them. If he is plays the immature boy that needs taking care of, she will tire of this and lose the vital energy she needs to feel in order to sustain a relationship. If he plays the macho man who is always in charge, not to be question, but to be followed blindly, she will be inhibited and wind up sucked dry also, just from a different angle. The results are the same. Either way he will never feel fulfilled, nor will she.

Women on the other-hand are allowed all emotions, excluding anger, “nice girls don’t show there anger,” but they’re denied reason. How does this happen? Anything that treats women as unable to understand something, tells them that their mental reasoning abilities are not enough. The man makes the hard decisions, because women just can’t. “Its too difficult for you to understand or do honey,” or “don’t you trouble that pretty little head,” actually say women are not capable. So women disassociate from the rational mental part of themselves, just like men do with feelings.

Therefore, women can’t see or understand men’s heavy dependency on the mental. They see men as being heartless, not disabled. Women become disabled themselves, just like men. That’s because they’re not matured either. It takes the mental reasoning to understand what to do with the emotional awareness.

Like emotional little girls, women remained stuck in immaturity, as are men. It just looks different, but these are learned handicaps. One is of the overstuffed, locked-down, mental variety; the other is seemingly the embodiment of rampant chaotic emotions.

Women haven’t been taught, encouraged, or allowed to use their mental abilities, nor how to focus emotions with these abilities. If they were they could understand and guide men to wholeness. Instead, they judge men as Neanderthals. You can’t live with them and can’t live without them.

Men don’t teach, allow, or encourage women to think, and therefore, become angry and frustrated with women’s emotional chaos. Yet, because men have been denied access to their emotions, they can’t understand, and are helpless to intervene. This results in their being left unfulfilled and resentful.

We must all awaken to our own missing parts, not blame the others. This is not walking on water, or becoming a Guru, and yet it is. I always thought to awaken meant some giant leap into an unattainable superhuman state. No, it means awakening from our dream-like states of semi-consciousness, to a fully aware and feeling human state. Go for it! You can do it! All you have to do is to use your intention to create it and take action. Oh, and don’t forget to forgive yourself and others for past, present, and future mistakes. This is how we learn.

Women marry men thinking they can change them.
Men marry women hoping they won’t change.

Change is the common denominator in these statements. There of course will always be change, growth and evolution of our beliefs, thinking and beings. However, the above statements speak to a different type of change. They are more clearly about the “play-acting,” the roles taken-on pretending to be something we are not. It is also about the desires we have for the actions of others, the script we expect them to abide by. Funny thing is, neither statement has anything to do with the other party, these bit players in our life’s dramas.

Let’s look at the first statement. It says that many women don’t appreciate, want or accept men for who they are. These women believe they are smarter and consider men something akin to clay to be molded to their desires and beliefs of what their man should be. They also, arrogantly I might add, think they know what’s best for him and he is an unfinished product needing to be changed so he can fulfill his part in her play. Naturally, both partners in a relationship will have some adapting to do with each other. But unquestionably entering a relationship with this unspoken agenda will not only be dissatisfying, but will generate resentment.

She won’t feel satisfied because he cannot be anything but what he is, and she will resent his lack of cooperation in performing the scripted role she has laid out. She may withhold herself from him out of hurt, resentment or vengeance. This will just hasten their demise.

He won’t be satisfied either as he will become painfully aware that she is not who she pretended to be and is not with him for who he inherently is. He will resent this, rebel, or may find someone who does want him. Later in life he may give up on this possibility and settle for another distraction to keep him company, especially if she panders to his ego. Many men can shift so easily from macho hero to wounded little boy and back again, but that is another story for another time.

He may also have been pretending to be her macho hero, protector, provider and will attempt to hide the fact that he is just a human with al the foibles of a human. By training he will feel shamed at this and hide it at all cost. Her trying to mold him will further increase his shame. Now, what happens if both parties are acting? Why their relationship will be an act, and fall on its face.

The second statement speaks to feminine thespian-ism (no, not lesbianism) and how men buy into it, because it feeds their egos. This is the actress who is strutting her hours upon our stage, luring men in and when they have taken the bait stops her act and is seen no more. “I don’t know what happened,” he says, “she used to be so wonderful, supportive and loving. Now, it is all about her, I am number thirty-one on her priority list and I better like it!”

Luring-in under false pretenses is an act some women portray, and then the hammer falls. It may be the act of the she-wolf in sheep’s clothing that just wants to eat you all up dear-and then spit out the bones. Or just simply a different person with different desires then agreed to. She may not have been aware of these desires from lack of maturity, or did not felt worthy of them, so she acquiesced to his. Then she realized these were not in alignment with her soul’s needs.

If she does change, he will be left feeling dumbfounded, clueless. It was clear to him; maybe his clarity was also an illusion? He may come to believe it is his fault; he may feel he is lacking, or he may blame her, or both. Of course, he has responsibility to recognize his own part in this fairytale he took part in. He expected her to be the perfect princess, whatever that is. He chose to perceive what he wanted to see. And she had wanted him, or at least what he had, including security, position, etc. She was willing during the “hunt,” to do what was necessary to get it. Who was hunting whom? He’s chasing her he thinks, while she covers the bear traps with sweets. An interesting dynamic, don’t you think? It can of course be the other way around. This is different then taking the initiative to form a relationship and being honestly open and responsive.

Both statements clearly are about the illusions most live under. The ones we want to see, not who we really are. Either way, they are deceptions, lies told to others and ourselves. Looking at relationship from this angle, is their really any wonder why there is such an upheaval in relationship? We are living lies and expecting true fulfillment.

Upheaval is good. It means something is festering and needs to be cleaned out. It is actually much simpler then most believe. All that is needed is to simply wake-up from the dreams we created, become aware and live with integrity. The most difficult aspect is usually admitting to ourselves our truth, especially the darker aspects. Step one in problem resolution is full awareness of the problem. The problem is always within, not with others. They are just bit players in our dramas. Heal your need for them and you can create real love based partnerships.

Women naturally exercise control from a feminine viewpoint, rather than from a masculine one. First, it must be pretty. Secondly, it mustn’t visibly rock-the-boat. The “boat” being the fairytale-like illusions of life constructed to handle (control) life’s experiences. So the boat that shouldn’t be rocked is really more like a lifeboat then an ocean liner. Here lies the problem; most belief they are secure in their berths in an ocean liner they control, going to fascinating ports-of-call…

The reality is they are afloat in a sea that takes them, hither and thither, as the winds of fortune and the tides dictate. They control nothing, while waiting to be rescued. This latter perception is uncomfortable, hence the need for the alternative. How does this get created?

As an example: I once had a lover who I loved from the depths of my soul. I can say that from the moment we meet we had felt a deep soul connection. How do I know this? She had said it and “you are the only man I have ever loved, love me forever.” In response, from deep within, I said, “I will.” What was left to discuss, right?

Well, no sooner would she profess her love, then she would add, “You scare me.”
“What???”
“I don’t know, but you scare me.” This left me wondering. I said what she felt that scared her was the depth of her feelings she felt with me; her world was being rocked. She thought about it, and then said, “You’re right, but you still scare me.” We never got further with this. She would run to a safe distance, and then run back to me, repeatedly. Eventually, she did not return. So what was at the bottom of this? What was the fear about?

My defensive reactions to her pulling away I’m sure increased her level of fear, I own my part; however, I didn’t create her fear. So what did? It finally became clear what caused her fear, and it was also my fear.
It is humankind’s greatest fear-love.

Think about these choices, but choose one.
Choice one: you get your jaw broken. Great choice huh!
Choice two: you get your heart broken…

Your jaw will heal in six weeks, over and done. However, heartbreak takes much longer to heal, and will never be forgotten. If you have never let anyone near enough, never had your heartbroken, then you may not understand this. However, your walls may mean you inherently fear love.

The pain of love’s loss is difficult to bear. Many prefer to live in loneliness, or in empty bartered-for relationships, then to face such vulnerability, and the possibility of heartfelt pain. Naturally, these alternatives were created to insulate from the vulnerability of being hurt. Women teach each other “the easiest way to get over a man is with another man.” If only it worked…but it doesn’t in the long run.

Now, what does all this have to do with lifeboats and ocean liners? My former lover constructed the illusion of her ocean liner; full of many of the things money could buy. She could buy (control) her reality. Life was then acceptable and she felt secure. Her boat did not rock. But what was she distracting herself from? From her feeling like she was in a lifeboat-with no control, helpless. The lifeboat she created during her youthful traumas that she could not handle and saw no way to resolve or heal. It is natural to want to escape bad situations. When we are physically unable, very often we create the escape within. We disassociate from the scary, hurtful reality. This is a common psychological notion.

What the above illustrates from a feminine viewpoint is controlling through illusion. We cast a spell cast over ourselves. And while women are no strangers to casting spells over men, they usually don’t see the ones they cast over themselves. Men are no different here, though they have their masculine versions. Neither allows one to live in the present moment. Reality becomes custom tailored. The tapestries of our lives are hand-sewn. They are made-up of our perceptions of life’s events, which we weave into our personal stories-and then believe them!

There is only one way out of these traps we have stitched together piece by piece. Be willing to face the disagreeable parts. Remove the stitching, discard the fabric of illusion we veiled ourselves in, and find the truth of who we are, not what we have been taught to be. You will need to practice forgiveness and heal.

So, are we all really in lifeboats? No, those are illusions too. Then what is real? Read Men-The Gods of Love, and when completed Women-The Gods of Wisdom, which contain important wisdom for both genders. The short answer-only love is real, the rest is illusion.

This doesn’t have to be scary or hurtful. It does mean laying aside ideas about knights-in-shining armor, comfortable acts for the sake of a real love-filled life. All there is are men trying to find love, most without a clue; and women who believe in lovely fairytales, without a clue either. Both are acting-out these parts, find them shallow and continue acting anyway. They know not what they do. Women must find their wisdom, men their hearts. From this point we create heaven, here and now.

Often, we hear of divorced dads that spend little or no time with their children, and the damage it does to these children, not having the love and guidance of their dads. Many divorced moms have told me how they are at a complete loss as to how these dads could do this. Of course, some of these moms complain and berate, while sabotaging their husbands relationship with the kids. Some do it intentionally, other subconsciously, but let’s exclude this obvious dynamic, which is one of the possible explanations. Why do the dads do this?

I want to be clear that to me our kids are Job #1. Now remember, men have been told to disallow their emotions to be a “man.” Who are men being a “man” for, their women and children of course. If you’re thinking this is crazy, it’s the opposite of what they need, you are correct. But this situation is all too real. Always keep that in mind when trying to understand men. Naturally, all humans have emotions, so to disallow any part of you is to disassociate from it. A disassociate disorder is a psychological condition. Yet, men are taught their version of this as a matter of course. This is highly damaging to men and those around them, like women. (Women are taught their own version of disassociation to be covered in future articles.)

So, here we have a typical man, his marriage is ending (failure and pain), and he must recreate himself and his life (scary). These strong feelings are not allowed for men, yet would naturally affect all persons, wouldn’t they? He will feel them like it or not (he doesn’t), he feels further drained, weaken by the stress and doesn’t know what to do. He also feels shame for having these “wrong” feelings. Men are supposed to know everything, which is why they won’t stop to ask for directions, so his not knowing how to handle all this is further shaming. He may blame her, while looking for varied distractions, or hunker down in his cave, licking his wounds. He most likely doesn’t have a support system to discuss his feeling with. Women usually have this important element; men basically don’t have a clue. He must internalize and repress these feeling, or he thinks he will be seen as crazy or less of a man. Of course, the opposite is true and his repression actually makes him crazy, but it is difficult at best for men to just drop years of programming.

OK, got the picture? Now, here is this divorcing man, feeling with intensity he is not presently trained to handle, and there are his babies. Why would he not want to see them?

From my personal experience of divorce with children, I will tell some of the reasons, and share what others have told me.

1. My experience with my daughters was that every other weekend and once or twice during the week for dinner, I got to have my precious babies again. Then, I got to return them to their mother. This felt like/reminded me of the original loss. It was like having the scab ripped off a wound each and every time. I never missed an opportunity to see them, but that was me. This experience gave me a new understanding of why men leave their children, because it is so deeply painful and others just couldn’t handle it. This doesn’t excuse their not being there, only explains it.
2. I was very involved with my daughters and still am. However, many men have followed in their father’s footsteps and work long hours, or come home and withdraw into the mindless boobtube. They simply don’t know how to relate to their families, and feel separate from them. They also have a day worth of work bottled up within and don’t feel they can share this. Sad, isn’t it all? But very real. When this type of male divorces, it is simply easier to disassociate from a family he never feel a part of anyway. I have asked women in these situations if they notice this before their divorces. Most were too busy with there own lives to notice, or gave it little thought, thinking it was hopeless. Or their own dads were like this, so they were used to it. None felt they had any responsibility. If you stand mute to it you are part of it.
3. It seems to simplistic to call some men heartless. That said, maybe some just are. My question to their wives is: what in Gods name did you marry them for? Take responsibility for your choices. Enough said.
4. Some men just lack the courage necessary to face their painful failures and take a stand for their children. The worst part is that they may even see the pain in their children’s eyes, the longing, the damage done by abandoning their children, and still they do nothing. They do this because they feel helpless, without options.

In conclusion, you can see now the how and why’s of it. Hopefully, with understanding and forgiveness we can encourage men to respond from their loving hearts. But this must be done with understanding. It is men’s patriarchal training that keeps them separate. It is everyone responsibility to correct this and give men permission and encouragement to feel. Women will also need to look at the busy fairytale illusion of life they are continuously creating that leaves men out, except to take out the garbage and bring in money. If you don’t think this is common, ask men.

This article is based on a radio interview I did on E! Entertainment Radio with hosts Michael Yo and Hyla, June 6th. We had a great (but short) interview on the topic of the Sex and the City (SATC) show/movie. Their position was that the SATC behavior models presented women having the freedom, sexual freedom to act like men. If men act like sluts (womanizers or players), women be able to also they proffered. The interviewers then asked unexpectedly what my marital status was; I said divorced. They then  asked, well don’t I casually pleasure myself with women? No, I don’t anymore, I have learned. I so told them that my experiences of having sex, only to ask myself afterwards, “what the hell was I doing with this person,” raised the red flag for me. Further, I felt worse, not better having had this indiscriminant sex. The hosts said they had experienced the same thing. Why is this so? I know questioning the “joys” of sex is not what men are taught. Real men always enjoy sex, don’t they? My point was that at least some of the characters in SATC are teaching women this same masculine behavior. This I content is a formula for disaster.

The interview, which went longer then scheduled, ended shortly thereafter due to time constrains without my explaining a critical point. I did say that I supported men’s growth enabling them to create true connection, and I don’t support men’s present training, my old training, to be disconnected users of female bodies. To then suggest that women behave like men as they presently are trained is nothing short of disastrous.

Now, to the key question that went unsaid. In both the hosts and my experience of unsatisfying “casual” sex mentioned above, why it was unsatisfying was not addressed. The natural answer is because we were with the wrong partner. For whatever reason, other then a connection of sexual organs, there was no connection. OK, so here is the real question, who was being the wrong partner, the ones we were with, or us?

If you find yourself singing, “I can’t get no, no satisfaction,” it is all about you not being the person that creates it, not them. When you choose to masturbate using another’s body, which is what passes for sex nowadays, you dishonor and are out of alignment with your own heart. This is how the unfulfilled emptiness is created.

The “real” purpose of sex is to connect two souls, creating a connection of intimacy and love, not to just get your “rocks off.” The later dishonors you and the other person, and deep inside you always know it. I did, and as I awakened, I realized this was not what I wanted, it was not filling the inner emptiness, nor did it serve me, or my partners. So I basically stopped doing this. I am not saying this is easy. It takes courage to stand up to the truth, our truth, but stand you must, to be a real man, a god of love, not a macho god of the holy sausage.

Men have been taught to use sex as a means of fulfillment. With a modicum of maturity, one quickly finds out something is wrong with this thinking simply by noticing a lack of fulfillment. Either we blame it on: the woman, the position, the moment, location, your mother complexes, or worst of all, yourself as being inadequate. NONE OF THE ABOVE IS CORRECT! It is the patriarchal teaching that makes intimacy and connection a juicy hotdog in a bun proposition. This is not to say sex is wrong, on the contrary, connected intimate sex is wonderful, fulfilling, and sacred. But beware, without the intimate connection it is just masturbating. If you and your partner want this, so be it. However, my experience of humanity and myself tells me that we are all really seeking inner fulfillment, but we just don’t know how to find it, so we settle on what we have been taught, sex. After all, Hollywood, SATC, and seemingly every aspect of our “modern” society have become obsessed with it, and it is difficult to see clearly through all the muck.

Here is how you start the process: First, recognize the problem, second stop what doesn’t work, and third look for what “feels good”, but in your heart, not your organs. As we have a society devoid of spiritual awareness, which teaches base sexuality, this will require you to step outside of your box, the limitations of your present beliefs, and this takes effort and courage. You can do it, you must do it, and your soul depends on it.

Discuss this openly, men especially with your male friends, you will find an important fact - you are not alone at all. You are not crazy, defective, or lacking. We have simply all been taught how to behave in ways that are counter to our own fulfillment. That’s where the craziness lies, in what we have been taught, our patriarchal programming.

So let’s all declare that we are done with that thinking and find ways that truly fulfill our partners and us. Imagine a world where this is prevalent. Imagine.

I received the follow ‘humor’ in an email. So often jokes have hidden meaning that most miss. Let’s look at this joke. You will find a whole lot of meaning and deep feelings hidden in these few lines.

A husband and wife are shopping in a supermarket when the man sees a great price on a case of beer and picks up a case, putting it into their shopping cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks his wife.
“Its on sale for only $14.95 for 24 cans,’ he says.
“Put it back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife. He grunts, but puts it back on the stack. They continue shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $29.95 jar of ‘beautifying’ face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man.
“It’s for my face cream. It makes me look young and beautiful,” she says.
The man replies, “So does 24 cans of beer, and it’s only half the price.”

Its witty and cute, but hides both parties’ “shadow.” The reason we find it humorous is that it touches our own shadow. It is actually a sad statement about relationships; maybe that is why we all laugh, because we all know it.
But first, our “shadow” or “dark-side” is something we don’t really see. It acts much like a shadow. This “shadow” is an inner place that gets polluted by every memory, emotion, or belief that we don’t know how to deal with. We therefore push these down, repressing them in our deepest recesses. These recesses are our “shadows.”

OK, back to the joke. She says to him, “What do you think you are doing?” This phrase should not even be said to a child, yet it is said to her husband. It is disrespectful and carries with it an energy that says, “You’re an idiot, I don’t respect you, and you don’t have a clue what you are doing!” Is it possible this could produce resentment?
She could have said, “Honey, can we really afford that?” This is only viable if she is also being frugal; otherwise it is just a less disrespectful manipulation. He might have thought about the purchase and said yes or no. At least he would not have been manipulated by being shamed.
As we see some lines later, her frugality is reserved for him, but her ‘necessities’ are not included. What do you think would be a man’s response if you asked if ‘beautifying’ face cream is a necessity? But she thinks she has the right to dictate this to him, all the while judging his choices as unnecessary. Even if she was not buying the face cream, a communication that honors both parties is always needed.
His passive aggressive response to her demeaning him is clear. He basically says, you are ugly and I need to get drunk to find you attractive. Ouch! Subconsciously he thinks, touché, I got you back. But it was not an honorable response. He needed to response immediately to her disrespectful remark. No, that does not mean slap the bitch. It means tell her that he felt what she said was disrespectful and it hurts. He clears his energy and they can have a dialog about why she feels that way about him. This might start an argument too, but as long as this dialog is not about hurting the other, it will have a positive outcome.
So what is lacking? First, what is lacking is clear, honest communications. This is all too common in relationships of every kind!
These two have some deep resentful inner monsters rearing their heads that show up within their barbed words. From the outside we can see their hidden resentment just below their words, but they really can’t. It’s just another (unpleasant) day with the bitch, or bastard. Great right?
No! Dialoging doesn’t mean attacking one another from the depths of your shadow; it means talking about how you feel, really feel! That could include how you are feeling angry, unsupported, disrespected, and looked-down-upon, which further fuels feelings of being unworthy and unlovable. This is what you use your resentments to hide; it is the projection of your inner feelings onto others. This means blaming them, making your inner feeling about them, or seeing their faults, which are the faults within yourself that you decided a long time ago that you could not handle. You focus on how they are not doing it right, are not giving you what you need, are not being what you need. This allows you not to look at yourself.
In reality, it is you who are not being what you need, because you don’t know how. Probably it was too painful, and you believed these feelings might be true if you acknowledged them. Your inner shadowy beliefs are not true, they are just feelings, don’t resist them, allow them fully, sit with them without judgment (see earlier blog: What You Resist, Persists). You will find the powerful, life-affecting energy they contain will simply dissipate. It may take a minute, an hour, a day, or months, but it will dissipate.
How is this possible? To understand this dynamic, you must understand how these repressed beliefs that drive so called “complexes,” got their energy in the first place. We not only gave them energy ourselves, but continually feed them more. We do this by resisting them. The simple act of repression, putting these beliefs and feelings into our inner dungeons, created them and requires us to feed these prisoners constantly. That’s why they are so powerful, because we make them so. By focusing our attention on them instead of resisting them we stop feeding them, the cycle is broken and we reclaim all the stored energy. This is the opposite of “what you resist, persists,” it is “what you recognize, resolves.”

To be, or not to be (married) - that my dear Shakespeare is the real question. Why are so many more men not taking the “plunge?” U.S. population figures from 1980 to the present indicate that the percentage of men in their forties who have never been married has nearly tripled to seventeen-percent of all men. Why is this happening? Are they afraid of women? Are they afraid to commit? Do they not like women?

Divorce, a rare thing prior to the sixties is now all too common. Statistics reveal that over fifty-percent of all marriages end in divorce. This is common knowledge and an alarming trend.

The sacred institution of marriage is clearly under attack from within. Let’s look at what is different from a man’s perspective. The answer men have given will surprise you.

1. Men don’t like failing, and the odds of success are not in their favor, are they?
2. Divorce is unquestionably an ugly thing for all. It is first and foremost painful. No one intentionally puts themselves in harms way without some trepidation. Add to that fact, men through training have shut down their emotions to one degree or another. So dealing with painful emotions felt during a divorce is more of an unpleasant prospect for a man than a woman. The average man would rather avoid pain at any cost, because he’s been trained not to know how to deal with it. He is looking at the prospect of a painful failure that one out of two WILL go through. The attraction of marriage pails with this awareness, doesn’t it?
3. Men believe they will usually loose in divorce. Certainly not always, but usually. One of the things they most often loose is their children. It shouldn’t surprise you to know that men on the whole do care about their children, especially considering the trend toward allowing men to feel. This is very painful, and even if you work out seeing them a lot, you don’t get to do this like you did. This will feel like the loss it is. All men have seen others go through this, and this does not encourage you to open yourself to the same. Also, loosing is not allowed for a “real” man, it’s shameful, and therefore not allowed.
4. The almighty buck also comes into play in men’s decisions. If they don’t have enough, men believe they will have nothing to offer. This reflects poorly on women as it says that they only are interested in a man’s money, not him (see earlier blog: The Barter System). Men in this position will shy away from relationship. I have had women tell me that “a girl must look out for herself,” meaning choose a man that will support them in the manner they wish to be supported. Understandable, but not as THE basis for relationship. This is off-putting to men.
5. The other extreme is a man with a boatload of money. They fear relationship with women who pretend to love them, but only want the lifestyle they can provide. Both understand the barter system, but he knows he can never trust her. Men also fear their wealth being greatly diminished in a divorce. This scenarios is anything but uncommon.
6. Many men see women as having become more masculine in attitude, loosing their femininity. This is not appealing, nor conducive to taking the “plunge.” At the same time women are more overtly sexual, like men, and are loosing what is the most important aspect of sex, intimacy. The very thing men are trying to learn and are hoping women will teach them. It would be unfair to blame women or men’s lack. They must learn this themselves. Women can and should encourage this. Women learn how to manipulate men with their sexuality to get what they want, but men know they are being manipulated and resent this. The women’s movement that rightly argued for equality, also wrongly treated the feminine as weak and wrong. It has damaged femininity in the process of calling for equality.
7. Some men are not marrying because they don’t have too. You can have intimate relationship, in fact many of women and not be married. The old prohibition told women applies here: “Why should he buy the cow if he gets the milk free?” Either side of this argument is disastrous for relationship. Women are not possessions to be bought, like a cow, and since men are not aware enough yet, they can’t see the truth in not having indiscriminate sex. In fact they are taught this is a good thing.

So, it is with great fear and distorted view that men have come to view marriage. This isn’t to say they don’t want a partner where there is mutual love and adoration, only that they are not sure how to create this, or sustain it if they do. And trust of women and even of themselves seems elusive at best. The unfortunate part of all this is that it these leaves men masturbating, instead of making love, having short affairs from a safe distance, or taking some comfort in paid for arms. Surely there is no wisdom in this scenario.