David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

Looking for ways to increase profits, or decrease losses, corporations have taken on the Mantra of “more from less.” What exactly does this mean? It means downsizing the number of employees and having the remaining do their work by increasing their workloads. This “Mantra” is used as a Battle Cry and justification for “trimming waste & fat,” and “downsizing” – people. Yes, there is “fat” that could be trimmed, which includes unnecessary programs, duplication, and expenditures. All of these are symptoms of poor planning, lack of oversight, and poor leadership but are blamed on the workforce. The justification is only sound if one accepts the premise that the work force is not producing as well as it could because it is lazy, not due to lack of leadership. The Mantra was developed out of economic fear. Fear based decisions are always myopic and tend to cause damage equal to, or greater than their benefits. They are also self-serving, and rarely look at the decrier’s culpability. Leadership skills include foresight, guidance, and decision-making skills. The Mantra covers poor leadership skills by appearing like the culprit has been identified and something is being done about the situation. And of course since the lie comes from “high up”, it must be correct. “Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,” was a lie, as was “I didn’t inhale.”

Through proper management, training and weeding, any employee side issues can be corrected. Of course, proper leaderships skills must be taught to managers. I have seen first-hand under-skilled managers. The formerly sacrosanct employee is now not only fair game, they are scapegoats in this era of fear, and near depression level unemployment where anything goes and corporations can get away with almost anything. People are afraid of losing their job and will put up with almost anything to keep them, and corporations are fully aware of this. In fact, they are taking full advantage of this. This harms the employees and will cost the corporation plenty.

In Part Two of this article I will outline management skills.

I have witnessed, working in a large corporation, employees who have found ways to hide and not do their fair share of the workload. However, most absolutely did! The few that didn’t skated by, but nothing was done, and all the staff knew who the slackers were, including management. They are still working for this major company, and their peers resent it, as they have to pickup for the slackers. They also know these added controls implemented where created to handle these slackers. Then everyone became overloaded and stressed. Subsequently, many mistakes were made that cost the company money. Then, there occurred something previously unheard at this company – three suicides within the last year! Management has hushed it up and offered the smoke screen of “there were personal factors involved.” Did the overload and stress of the Mantra push them over the edge? Of course it did, but by washing their hands, management followed Pontius Pilate’s example. And there have been costly acts of sabotage. Resentment shows its ugly face.

One of the factors that management has rushed headlong to embrace is intrusive controls and unworkable dictates. These were being implemented during the last year. The long-term staffers (15 plus years) told me they used to love working for the company. Now, if they could find another job they would leave. This was all because of the ‘1984 Big Brother-like’ controls, dictates and obvious change in attitude toward them. The employees had felt a-part-of and loved-by the company, and they loved it. No longer, now they are just assets to be used and abused, More From Less. These elements, when combined with workloads that can’t be accomplished properly, and with integrity, became the hated new workflows of the company.

Integrity is something not thought of by management and seemingly no longer used by them. But how does it apply to the employees? The vast majority of the company cared about the company and its customers. As this was a major insurance carrier, it required a proper investigation of the claim, which takes time. Then the company is protected and the clients paid what is due them. With unreasonable time demands that is no longer possible. The staff told me the new impetuous was closing claim quickly. “Don’t worry about be thorough, just make a decision and close it.” No one felt right with this, and everyone’s decisions varied. Clients were not paid correctly and staff knew it and resented it. This is what integrity is about, or in this case the lack of it.  It is far more important to people than ever imagined. And when you are told it doesn’t matter, just make decisions, you feel nothing matter, the company and yourself included. That is human psychology. How you are treat, you treat others. Look at families, treat your family with love and respect, which includes proper discipline, and they develop and treat others the same. Treat them as disposable assets and you will get the same behaviors from them. Companies are families and the same applies.

Naturally, the ingenious family members find ways to circumvent the intrusive controls and dictates placed on them and reflect ill treatment. Has service to the customer improved, no, it has declined, but management continues on its disastrous path, forgetting their employees who deal directly with the customers. Brilliant – not!

What seems to me to be elementary is that the employee be treated well, in order for customer service to be extraordinary. Heaping more and more on the employees’ overworked and overstressed shoulders, is now the norm. Yet management still deludes itself by believing great customer service can be created. I can guarantee, and have seen the evidence, that the opposite will be true. “More From Less” is a delusion of the worst kind.

 Click to Read Part Two

I spoke with a therapist/friend recently who shared an experience, similar to one I had. She had lost her assistant to budget cuts and cannot possibly handle the administrative duties, the phones, and her normal therapeutic workload. A client did not get her call returned for two days. When it was, she was told that her assistant was laid off and her workload increased. The client complained to the manager. Most clients understand, some only think of themselves. The response from management was to “lie” in the corporate manner! She was told not to tell the truth about the situation, to deflect it with “sorry you’re unhappy, how can I help now,” not answering the question. She was told to handle those demanding immediate attention and leave those already promised completion, but no longer on the phone to dangle in the wind. That is breaking one’s word and damages ones integrity. If she went along with it, she would start to not care about what she said, the truth, only what is politically correct. This is damaging to the psyche, but corporates don’t consider the individual anymore. Like in China with too many people, the people are expendable.

She takes pride in her work and is considered a top therapist. Yet, she is so overworked that the joy of working/living is gone, replaced by unrelenting labor. She will not be able to give her clients her best, as she is being used up. This is More From Less. Corporate solutions include finding a young, low paid neophyte replacement, but they are inexperienced and will not be able to handle the difficult situations. However, the numbers will look decent to myopic upper management. In the end, More From Less is leading us headlong into disaster. We will become a race of robots, without say or joy, and the spark of this country – innovation will be forgotten. The corporate answer will probably be, fire more, and make the rest work harder. Then they can set up the “company store,” of the coal miner days. Unions, created out of resentment were the result then. We are using the model in China, for our workforce. But even in China, there are growing demands for fairness and better wages and working conditions. We are forgetting the past, and are therefore doomed to repeat it. At present we are moving backwards. We don’t need tight control mechanisms and further burdens on the workforce; we need less myopic greed at the top and an open ear. Listen to your people; they know what the customer needs. Don’t implement new ideas without asking the staff. Management dreams up new ideas and processes that often only make things worse. Why? Because they are not in the trenches and don’t know what leadership really is. — Bullying is not leadership.

LEADERSHIP is the ability to:

1. Motivate by supporting, appreciating, encouraging and inspiring! I consider this number one skill. Unfortunately, many managers’ think the way to manage is through intimidation and fear. Fragging is a response to this type of management by bullying, arrogance, and stupidity.
2. Guiding by sitting with employees and listening to their feedback, reviewing results together constructively.
3. Planning realistic goals. Work with how they are to accomplish them. Push Back if you cannot make it work. A new upper-mid manager told me that he needs 100 in his department to handle the work. He was given 72 and told he had to work with that. The customer will suffer, as will the employees.
4. Communicating goals with employees and whether they have met them or not. Speak with upper management when unrealistic goals have flowed downhill – Push Back – tell them.
5. Make sure you have the employee, with the right abilities, for the job. If not then transfer them to where they would be best suited. The company I worked with had the blockhead mindset of hiring from within. I saw people in trainer positions who barely could speak, poor managers who hid in offices and then took potshots at their employees, and competent outsiders not considered when they were sorely needed. Just because you are with the company doesn’t mean you have the talent and abilities to perform at management level.
6. Delegating with all the necessary tools to complete the job. Dumping is the norm. Push back to upper management, request the tools if not given. Management is now saying, here’s the task and these are the only resource you get to do the job. Tell them they are inadequate if so. Take a stand for your employees. Dumping creates resentment, is counterproductive and may foster sabotage.
7. Handle situations when they arise, don’t wait till a keep or fire discussion point is reached. It’s way too late then.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

1. INTEGRITY – keeping your word, doing your best and having the courage to speak the truth about the ‘pink elephant,’ in the room. For example: Why does the Emperor have no clothes? These and other unspoken and therefore, accepted lies undermine nothing short of the truth of existence. What happens in relationship when integrity is lost.

Trayvon Martin, the seventeen-year-old teenager was gun downed in Florida by George Zimmerman, a community watch volunteer. It is clear that Zimmerman called 911, reporting a suspicious person in his community. This is the correct behavior for a community watch person. It is also clear that the 911 dispatcher sent a patrol car and instructed Zimmerman not to follow the suspicious person, also the correct instructions. Had he followed those instructions NOTHING would have happened. Here is where the story really begins.

Zimmerman followed the suspicious person, Trayvon, for two blocks. We all know Trayvon paid the ultimate price. There are no factual disagreements up to this point that I’m aware of. That Zimmerman shot Trayvon is undisputed. Any use of Florida’s “stand your ground” law by Zimmerman is unfounded as he provoked the dispute by following and confronting Trayvon when police told him not to.

Was there a struggle, maybe? But if there was and Trayvon had killed Zimmerman, Trayvon could have used the “stand your ground” defense, because he was the one defending himself, Zimmerman being the aggressor. Zimmerman is not a police officer or trained, armed and licensed security guard. Had he been, he would have known better and acted differently.

Mr. Zimmerman’s claims that he was punched and had his face driven into the ground are not supported by police video shot 35 minutes later. However, even if true, Zimmerman was the provocateur, so injuries suffered are not a defense when you are the aggressor.

Mr. Zimmerman was on a misguided mission to serve and protect, thereby giving him, in his mind, the right to seek and destroy intruders. His misguided emotionally charged agenda cost Trayvon his life.

I personally am from Florida, have a Concealed Weapons Permit, and received the legally required training necessary to obtain this Florida Permit. It was made very clear in the training course that I CAN’T pursue anyone and call it self-defense. Pursuing is an aggressive move, not a defensive one. I don’t know if Zimmerman has a weapons permit. Nor do I know how was he carrying the weapon used to shoot Trayvon. Was it concealed, which requires a license, or in the open, which is illegal in Florida? His emotional run-in with the police in 2006 shows his volatile nature. Trayvon was 6 foot tall plus hoody, Zimmerman 5’9”. Was he scared, intimidated? All the more reason to let the police do their job. But his emotions got the best of him, reason did not prevail, and he now has Trayvon’s soul to carry.

I have spoken to Palm Beach County Sherriff’s C.O.P.’s, ‘Citizens Observer Patrol’ volunteers who are unarmed, drive marked sheriff department vehicles with yellow lights on the roof. They have told me they are clearly trained to report suspicious persons, but not to engage under any circumstance.

Bottom line for Zimmerman in my opinion is he is guilty of manslaughter probably in the first degree, but he probably will be convicted of second degree. His ‘developing’ defense will be a key factor. I think the defense is trying to ‘develop’ a plausible excuse for his actions, which is what attorney’s correctly do under our present guidelines.

Now, this is unpleasant, but we must look at the unarmed Trayvon’s possible culpability.  An unknown “stalker” followed him for two blocks. In any normal person, this would create at least some fear. And certainly, the “thug” hoody attracts attention, as it was uncommon and suspicious looking in the neighborhood Trayvon was shot in. Did he give a “thug” attitude to Zimmerman as part of a defensive/offensive stand. ‘fight or flight’, created out of his fear? Is “thug” a normal attitude he gives to people? Whether or not created this attitude was a fear based defensive reaction, it probably created the same fear based defensive reaction in Zimmerman, exacerbating the situation. Even though he was stalking Trayvon, and therefore on the offensive, he also may have felt fear. This may have cost Trayvon his life. Emulating “thug” attire can bring unwanted attention, even if you are not doing anything wrong. That is human nature and while I can relate to being a rebel, I know it has brought unwanted attention. This in no way excuses Zimmerman and any fear he felt he brought upon himself by not following the police directs not to follow Trayvon.

What Zimmerman’s reaction was to being followed and harassed is not yet clear, and the defense will do everything it can to create doubt by keeping it at least unclear. Did Trayvon’s defensive posturing appear as attacking to the imagined authority Zimmerman felt he had?  These are events that are being investigated and analyzed. Whether or not the Sanford Police Department actions were not swift and thorough enough is also to be determined. But due to the public outcry and subsequent Florida Department of Law Enforcement, Florida Attorney General’s Office, and Federal involvement, I believe we will have a proper and thorough investigation. And I believe a conviction will be obtained, not that this will replace Trayvon’s life. All in all, a deeply disturbing event and even with a conviction, it still is a lose-lose. Be patient, all will come out in the wash.

Having experienced the corporate “culture,” while questioning what I found, it became clear that the new thinking in the corporate world focuses on control through micromanagement. This has the affect of disenfranchising its employees and it is intentional. What the corporate planners don’t understand is that just because they can measure certain factors, doesn’t mean better productivity. In fact, this  management style actually hinders it. It creates an environment of distrust where there is a “whole lot of nothing going on.” Executive’s directives serve to manipulate the spreadsheets to indicate success, at least in their “target” areas. They remain blind to the damaging, especially on the long-term, of overall productivity. Or, if they do see these problems, they are at a loss to explain it, so they blame the employees, and kick the dog when they get home.

Responsibility rest squarely on management’s shoulders.

They miss this, and look to blame others. However, it always starts at the top, and is caused by the inherent blindness of the dominant masculine thinking, lacking its connection to humanness, the key to what’s missing. I recently experienced being a subcontractor in a corporate environment where the director of operations, hired in 2009, came on board and during his first meeting declared to the staff that he was not satisfied with current results and if he has to, “he will fire the entire staff and start over.” What did he create? More controls, stress, and an unhappy work environment, distrust of each other and the company as a whole, and a morale problem. This distress did not distress him; in fact he reveled in it and encouraged it in his direct underlings. He has people asking how high to jump, but misses the inefficient unhappy work environment he has set in motion.

The corporate employees where naturally terrified of losing their jobs, so they turn on each other, and look to shift the burden for failures anywhere they can. Ingenuity, spark, creativity, and questioning erroneous directives out of caring for the company, doing the right thing, has been replaced with regurgitation of the micromanaged company line. Worse yet, this is what is desired! The optimal outcome of a team working together to produce a great outcome becomes a casualty. Discussing mistakes made, not to hold over ones head, but to determine how the system/management failed, never occurs.

I admit to my mistakes openly, in fact I call them out, as this is how I learn and perhaps teach others to be aware of the same pitfalls, so as not to repeat them. My ego does not see mistakes as failures, but as opportunities to learn and add to my understanding. Micromanagers unfortunately see and count every mistake and attempt to shove it down their underling’s throats to aggrandize themselves. Achievements and good work are ignored. They only pats on the back come with knife in hand. This creates fear and resentment. Resentment ALWAYS shows up, perhaps not right away, but it will show up. It can show up in family lives, be self-directed, and will show up in the workplace indirectly and directly as sabotage.  I do just what I’m told, make no suggestions and look to make myself look better. If others are hurt or unfairly undermined, so what, becomes the undercurrent. The truth is that leading properly takes a lot of work, caring for team, and courage. This has been drummed out of middle management, so known of it remains.

If the mistakes are repeating, it is the managers that need better training. In their micromanaged environment “it” flows downhill, and there is no “uphill” feedback routes available. Managers, I noticed where hired without experience in their department and immediately made ill-thought-out control decisions. They made the decisions and that was that. If you give a computer, or an ant, conflicting, ever changing contradictory directives, you will get short-term compliance and stats and long-term disaster. Egocentricity never creates team, but it does create cliques of posterior kissers. America’s talent is being ground down and molded into ants. Using the ants of China as a model perhaps?

Even in China, as they progress and start to innovate, there is an up-swell of individual thinkers rebelling against their fascistic/communistic masters. The corporate megalomaniacs have it wrong. Communism starts off as fascism (according to Marx) and when the people finally fall in line, a communal caring thinking idealistic existence begins. No country, or company has even gotten close to this ideal state. The pseudo-communist-fascistic states fail, as do the dictatorial corporations. Their downfall is not realizing the paradoxical need to find a balance between the ideal corporate control concept and the reality that to thrive and innovate the individual must be encouraged. The latter requires human understanding and work.

Small-minded egotistical dictators, do not make good leaders. Leaders guide and encourage, they mentor and direct, while honoring the qualities in their staff that they nurture and encourage. I am seeing less and less of this type of true leader, and more and more of the mini-dictators. “If only the ants would just do their jobs.” “I can squeeze all I can, and when they burn out, there are 150 others waiting to replace them.” This just creates more stress, illness, and poor quality production. Blind, having no idea how to get humans to join together, these corporate dictators demand ant-hood as their surrogate battle plan. We are all doomed with this thinking.

It is the little dictator’s lack of understanding that stifles innovation and real long-term production. Ants are ants, people are people, to demand one act like the other creates distress, dysfunction, and disaster. Why, because you have to listen to those that actually do the work to see if it is working. Their feedback is invaluable, unless your ego is in the way. They paradoxically need encouragement and direction. Before you change anything, ask for feedback on the changes and listen. Be aware of the posterior kissers, in the long run they will destroy you. They will jump ship at the first opportunity. Their lack of courage to disagree, withholds the very feedback and understanding needed to manage and prevent a shipwreck. Value the discontents, not everything they are unhappy with is unrealsitic, and you will be rewarded for listening by having a real team player that feels valued part of the whole. Would you not like to feel this way too? Do unto other as you would have them do unto you applies aptly here.

The Great Wall of China was designed to serve two purposes, keeping the Mongol barbarians out and the people in. It was somewhat successful for the first task, and quite successful on the second.

How does this relate to the human condition? Well, it’s quite the metaphor. To protect ourselves, we create defensive wall to shield our heart from those that would hurt it (the Mongols.) They are not allowed in nor allowed to see or harm our vulnerable parts, or so we think. We actually advertise this part, but more on this at another time. Before I go further we need to understand intimacy. In-to-me-see, this incorporates the required act of faith-based vulnerability. Scary thought aye! This means letting others in, letting down those defensives, justifications and behaviors most develop as means of isolation. Of course, they see it as means of protection, but it’s not. The operative word is isolation and its cousin’s abandonment and loneliness. In order to find true connected love, you must be willing to risk being hurt. Allow me to share a little poem I wrote in the mid-seventies about this called Life:

Like a summer’s flower you’ve come, thought your thorns draw blood I embrace you.

To be honest, I sometimes, run, hide, isolate, make excuses, or use any of the multitude of tricks I have up my sleeves to NOT GET HURT. Oh yes, I do all those things too. However, there are lots of times I risk it all, go “all in,” wear my heart on my sleeve. And I do get hurt; and I don’t like it one bit. It would be easy to fall back, raise the shield walls, and sometimes I do, but I know to let them down. If not, I know I will remain alone, unfulfilled. This is not like the immediacy of a hurt; it is the dull ache that remains constant, a companion. I do keep “busy,” but that is not enough in the long run and the dull ache sometimes grows to the constant sound of a jet engine roaring in your ears. Then, it becomes time to find another distraction; distraction upon distraction, to the end of days. And worse yet, I recognize that those distractions (another word for addictions) are just another form of protectionism, bricks in the wall that China built.

So let’s get down to it. Everything you do to protect your heart, every excuse, justification, busy work, etc. hurts you. Oh, and as a side thought, it hurts those you are involved with too. Inside you know this too, which further adds to your inner unhappiness. So the only possible workable solution is to let go, open up and let love in, allow it to happen. Now, this doesn’t mean discard your head, “trust but verify” being the operative program. Question what doesn’t feel right. If the answer still doesn’t feel right, ask more questions till it does, step back to digest and let the answers given, answer the inner question. Sometimes the trite answers I have received indicated much greater issues.  Question these and if unworkable, sadly you may have to step away. Been there, done that. Wish it weren’t so. So keep moving, but be open as much as you humanly can. Believe in love, believe in love. Guess whose coming to dinner, to every dinner you will ever have? You. So believe in love and allow it in or you will never have the fulfillment you crave. We all want connection. Unfortunately, many find the cost too much to bear.

My personal experiences to date have shown me to look for deep connection, not quick “fun” ones. What I have seen though is, so many people looking, and when they find it they hunker down in their bunkers and take pot shots at love. They figure that if they shoot at love enough, what they don’t kill will be real. Brilliant aye. Think about this, have you done this? Does it ever produce love, or a trail of bodies and lost love? I will leave you with that thought to mull over, perhaps to influence your next act of – love, connection, or buying more ammo.

I know when it hurts, it hurts badly, like you want it all to end. But a life of isolation, even in a gilded cage, without the risk of loving for me is meaningless. Not so it seems for everyone. You decide what your life means and live it. Blessings on the journey.

The new MEL GIBSON’s movie – maybe.

Well, it seems Mel Gibson has done it again, shot himself in the foot, or at least vomited on it. His latest drunken emotional tirade aimed at his wife has made headlines. His level of desperation seems to have increased as his reason decreases proportionally. His alcohol problem is long standing without a doubt. He has issues that probably stem back to childhood.  In this he is not alone; most of the world has such problems. His emotional state is being clearly further destabilized by his gold digging wife purposely. She wants custody of their child and all the riches she can take from him and make from the tabloids.

His handling of what has clearly become a crisis is counterproductive, at least for him. Alcohol, as any other addiction is a symptom of unresolved issues that are then projected onto others during his drunken tirade.  Thus, the cause of his feelings are assigned to others, “they are responsible for my feelings”, like Jews, Blacks, or Women in general. While we may not like the actions of others, we own our feelings and are responsible for them. This level of responsible ownership is difficult to stomach for many – Mel being one of them. He surely feels helpless in the face of loosing his child.

Real men aren’t supposed to feel helpless are they? So Mel blames it on Oksana and the system. While the system barely works and she surely is culpable of enflaming him, he uses alcohol to numb his pain rather than express it, cry, talk, etc. Nothing we numb goes away, it only festers. Then the alcohol releases the festered emotions in the form of emotional vomit. Mel is an example of this. Obviously this is not a healthy way to express ones emotions, and therefore, healing does not occur. Further, he causes more issues for himself by his aberrant behavior, like being investigated for abuse, which will lessen his standing as he fights for custody rights of his child. This also lessens self-esteem.  And all of these acting-out behaviors further fuel the fire of his inner turmoil. It is a vicious cycle being fueled by alcohol. Something we’ve seen before in others.

OK, so we’ve looked at Mel, but what about the wife? She has been given a restraining order that prohibited her from releasing her “secretly” recorded tapes. Somehow, unbeknownst and much to her dismay, they got released. She is shocked, shocked, just like Captain Renault in Casablanca.  Liar, liar, panties on fire.  Donald Trump who had met her, said she was a gold digger. She has played Mel well. She will come out with lots of money, her child, and she doesn’t have to fluff him anymore. She has won, and done great damage in the process, but is uncaring having lost her heart way back when. What’s a little more karma?

Because ‘nice girls don’t get angry,’ they learn to get what they want and get even. She is not the first to demonstrate this, or the last. But one of the pawns in their WWE match, called marriage, is the child. How will this affect her? What example does it reinforce? Certainly, this is not one of a wise, powerful and loving female. He certainly is not showing what a powerful and loving man can be either. And life goes on…

Holy-wood (or so it thinks) and some misguided academics are peddling the concept that fathers, classical male-female families, and masculinity itself are interchangeable with female only units. In fact, in some circles, gender itself is to be considered moot. Somehow we are to ignore that gender differences exist. We have plenty of celebrities that are thusly confused, but portray this as correct and appropriate. They influence our youth and society to come. An acceptable role of the male in their Orwellian nightmare is simply as a sperm donor. I believe the ancient myths of the Amazons supported this as well. Bees and Black Widow Spider also hold this view. Perhaps, soon we will hear unspecified proponents spout forth that test tube babies show that mothers are also unnecessary. We will have sperm and egg donors. God help us, please save us from our ignorance, and the manipulated desire to do right by being politically correct.

An article written by W. Bradford Wilcox, published in the Wall Street Journal on June 18th cites recent movies like “The Switch,” coming later this summer, where Jennifer Aniston plays a forty-year-old professional who has given up on Mr. Right (basically on men) and marriage, but decides her life is incompletely accessorized without a grown-up’s doll (aka: child). For Ms. Anniston, perhaps art is following life. The movie explores, no make it propounds as acceptable, this egocentricity. She will have a baby without a father for the child simply by procuring some crème. At least she is willing to buy it, not trick some poor unwitting fool into ‘naturally’ donating it and being shackled into a lifetime of financial responsibility; a job that they did not sign up for. The movie celebrates donor inseminated single mother families, similar to the “The Back-up Plan” and the soon to be released “The Kids Are All Right.”

NO, they’re not ‘All Right,’ but Hollywood’s holier-than-thou agenda is pushing this perception. This would be an understandable position for an angry woman that blames men for everything, especially failed relationships.

Of course, a child raised by a mother with a ‘sperm-donor’ for a father will survive and most likely be glad to be alive, but the lack of a strong loving father to guide them will be felt. Equally, a child reared solely by their father, with an ‘egg-donor’ for a mother, will fair equally as well, and this child will be equally as thankful. HOWEVER, both mother and father are important factors in the development of a child. DUH! To think otherwise is pure egocentricity. Coming from Hollywood that would makes sense.

I consider the decision to have a child by a donor (male or female) to be completely and totally immature and egocentric. It is nothing more than “it’s all about me.” This is devoid of consideration for the affects of this decision on the child. There are tons of justifications, but none will be really valid for the child, but many will be born anyway. You want a child adopt one from foster care.

How are decisions like this possible? My first book, Men – The Gods of Love, discusses men’s inability to balance their rational mind, the masculine, with their emotions, the inner feminine. My second book, Women – The Goddesses of Wisdom, discusses women’s inability to balance her emotions with the rational mind, their inner masculine. For today’s woman, they difficulty is see in the masculinized woman. As an example, taking decisive action (masculine) to create a child based on emotions (feminine) is the situation in choosing a sperm-donor dad. The true goal for a woman, discussed in my second book, is the paradoxical need to remain feminine, incorporate the inner masculine power and using reason to balance the two. This is having the wisdom to know correct action, not just feeling-based action. The preposterous idea that a dad is not an important factor may be OK for an unfulfilled egg donor (mother), but is wholly unreasonable. This is a premeditate abuse of the offspring. It is based in narcissism, plain and simple. “I feel I am not complete without a child.” “I can’t figure out how to have a healthy relationship (it’s all men’s fault anyway), so I will just create this accessory to my life.” This bypasses the all-important learnings about relationship and self.

Of course, a mother that has not matured her relationship skills will not be able to teach correct relating to her children, but she doesn’t give it much thought. It’s all men’s fault anyway she believes. While honoring people’s feelings is important, acting on them without reason as a guiding factor, or supporting another’s actions without regards for the consequences of their actions, in this case the children, is unwise.

Anger is inherent in this idea. Considering men as sperm donors is the same as marrying one for money. In both cases the men are not seen as humans, or related to, only for how they can be ‘milked’. Women seem to be able to get what they want materially, why can’t they get it emotionally? My above-mentioned book delves into this predicament and it I not all men’s fault. Relationship is a dance, both can change it or stop it at will. Many women think they are wise and men are clueless.

‘Newsflash!’ Both men and women are clueless, yet it has become fashionable to blame men. Ladies, take off the war paint and look deep, you are no better at relating than men. You may be more emotional, but it is egocentric and therefore destructive. This is not a healthy basis for relating, or child rearing. I consider child rearing ‘job one,’ not an addition to one’s lifestyle, or something to get so one can feel fulfilled. Consideration for what is best for a child must be the first thought, not an afterthought. So providing the proper role models on which to base life is tantamount.

Academics from New York Universities, like sociologist Judith Stacey or Cornell’s psychologist Peggy Drexler have propounded these unisex families. They proclaim that mothers do as well with child rearing with donor fathers as they can with real ones. The feminist movement has been teaching emotional entitlement to women, a form of egocentricity, instead of healthy empowered self-care, blended with care of others. Hollywood celebrities are aggrandized for their egocentric actions, instead of being corrected. This harms relationships and perpetuates the concept of entitlement. Entitlement, the concept that I am owed everything, is prevalent in the U.S. and it has hurt us. It prevents gratitude and giving. Just watch a teenager for a demonstration of what becomes adult behavior.

Ms. Drexler wrote a book that declares that what she calls “maverick moms” (a masculine label), includes single women who chose donor insemination. Rather than tackling the task of creating a normal working male-female relationship, they say a woman can raise boys equally as well as mothers who went the ‘old fashioned way’ with, per her thinking, the outdated notion of father. The idea of fatherhood and motherhood in partnership as models for the children is considered unnecessary and therefore moot. Supposedly, only a “caring and supportive” model of mothering is necessary. I guess these academics didn’t have a great relationship with their fathers. Sorry to hear that, but don’t diminish fatherhood as your personal coping mechanism. Especially, as your academic status places you in the roll of authority figure.

These academics’ view ran into a major roadblock this month, with the release of the report, “My Daddy’s Name is Donor,” by the Commission on Parenthood’s Future. The report is a study comparing random samplings of four hundred eighty-five young adults; ages eighteen to forty-five, conceived through donor insemination to five hundred sixty-three young adults conceived the ‘old-fashioned way.’

Mr. Wilcox reported, “Significantly, the single women who chose to have a child by donor insemination were better-educated and slightly better off than the parents who had biological children together. So the study’s results cannot be dismissed on the grounds that affluent married couples were being compared to poor single mothers.” This was an excuse many have cited to dismiss the idea of two parent families. Those that support the sperm-donor father as acceptable, ignore God, nature, universal intelligence or the like who created masculinity and femininity. To them it is just luck, cosmic Three-Card-Monty.

The above study points to a different understanding. It shows that children conceived by single mothers who chose donor insemination are not as “All Right,” as the pundits would have us believe. “Young adults with maverick moms and donor dads report a sense of confusion, loss, and distress about their origins and identity, and about their inability to relate to their biological father and to his kin.”

Our fathers and mothers are our first role models of masculinity and femininity. What sort of model of masculinity would a child learn about a sperm donor? It doesn’t matter if the child is a boy or girl. Both need to learn from a healthy father. No question, there are unhealthy ones, or ones that were absent, just as there are now more unhealthy absent working mothers.

The predicament for the children can be compared to that of adopted children. Many have an inner sense of confusion about who they are, where they really fit in, and why their biological parents didn’t want or care about them. The above-mentioned study says that seventy-one percent of the mother/donor progeny report: “My sperm donor is half of who I am,” and seventy-eight percent wonder, “What my sperm donor’s family would be like.” Half report that they “feel sad” when they see “friends with their biological fathers and mothers.”

OF COURSE THEY DO! Donor offspring are similarly much less likely to report that they can rely on their family. Fifty-six percent report depending more on peers than on family, compared to twenty-nine percent of young adults born to two biological parents. You can’t count on a sperm donor to be there for you, guide you, protect you, set boundaries, or discipline you like a father would. Further, inside these children know something is not quite right with how they were created. “Why would mom choose not to have a husband who would be a father for me?” they might naturally think. “They didn’t have a fight and get divorced, she just chose for me not to have a dad.” Would it be any wonder if a child thought this? Resentment would be a bi-product. This would produce rebelliousness.

I have witnessed families where the mothers resort to bullying by screaming, withholding, and manipulating. They may get what they want including their kid’s attention, but are resented and ultimately ignored. This diminishes what they wish to teach and devalues femininity, as well as masculinity, and the family. In fact, looking at many divorced households without a father present to discipline, one will see an inordinate percentage of discipline problems.

The loss felt by many sperm-donor offspring contributed to the above study’s statistic that one hundred seventy seven percent of them are more likely to have trouble with drugs and alcohol than children born into NORMAL, read that, two biological parent families. Yes, normality is not wrong or bad, no matter how hard you wish to twist it. I think people should be able to do what they wish as consenting adults, but where it affects others, especially kids, I draw the line. Children need male/female role models and peer groups are not a replacement for that learning.

Often, we hear of divorced dads that spend little or no time with their children, and the damage it does to these children, not having the love and guidance of their dads. Many divorced moms have told me how they are at a complete loss as to how these dads could do this. Of course, some of these moms complain and berate, while sabotaging their husbands relationship with the kids. Some do it intentionally, other subconsciously, but let’s exclude this obvious dynamic, which is one of the possible explanations. Why do the dads do this?

I want to be clear that to me our kids are Job #1. Now remember, men have been told to disallow their emotions to be a “man.” Who are men being a “man” for, their women and children of course. If you’re thinking this is crazy, it’s the opposite of what they need, you are correct. But this situation is all too real. Always keep that in mind when trying to understand men. Naturally, all humans have emotions, so to disallow any part of you is to disassociate from it. A disassociate disorder is a psychological condition. Yet, men are taught their version of this as a matter of course. This is highly damaging to men and those around them, like women. (Women are taught their own version of disassociation to be covered in future articles.)

So, here we have a typical man, his marriage is ending (failure and pain), and he must recreate himself and his life (scary). These strong feelings are not allowed for men, yet would naturally affect all persons, wouldn’t they? He will feel them like it or not (he doesn’t), he feels further drained, weaken by the stress and doesn’t know what to do. He also feels shame for having these “wrong” feelings. Men are supposed to know everything, which is why they won’t stop to ask for directions, so his not knowing how to handle all this is further shaming. He may blame her, while looking for varied distractions, or hunker down in his cave, licking his wounds. He most likely doesn’t have a support system to discuss his feeling with. Women usually have this important element; men basically don’t have a clue. He must internalize and repress these feeling, or he thinks he will be seen as crazy or less of a man. Of course, the opposite is true and his repression actually makes him crazy, but it is difficult at best for men to just drop years of programming.

OK, got the picture? Now, here is this divorcing man, feeling with intensity he is not presently trained to handle, and there are his babies. Why would he not want to see them?

From my personal experience of divorce with children, I will tell some of the reasons, and share what others have told me.

1. My experience with my daughters was that every other weekend and once or twice during the week for dinner, I got to have my precious babies again. Then, I got to return them to their mother. This felt like/reminded me of the original loss. It was like having the scab ripped off a wound each and every time. I never missed an opportunity to see them, but that was me. This experience gave me a new understanding of why men leave their children, because it is so deeply painful and others just couldn’t handle it. This doesn’t excuse their not being there, only explains it.
2. I was very involved with my daughters and still am. However, many men have followed in their father’s footsteps and work long hours, or come home and withdraw into the mindless boobtube. They simply don’t know how to relate to their families, and feel separate from them. They also have a day worth of work bottled up within and don’t feel they can share this. Sad, isn’t it all? But very real. When this type of male divorces, it is simply easier to disassociate from a family he never feel a part of anyway. I have asked women in these situations if they notice this before their divorces. Most were too busy with there own lives to notice, or gave it little thought, thinking it was hopeless. Or their own dads were like this, so they were used to it. None felt they had any responsibility. If you stand mute to it you are part of it.
3. It seems to simplistic to call some men heartless. That said, maybe some just are. My question to their wives is: what in Gods name did you marry them for? Take responsibility for your choices. Enough said.
4. Some men just lack the courage necessary to face their painful failures and take a stand for their children. The worst part is that they may even see the pain in their children’s eyes, the longing, the damage done by abandoning their children, and still they do nothing. They do this because they feel helpless, without options.

In conclusion, you can see now the how and why’s of it. Hopefully, with understanding and forgiveness we can encourage men to respond from their loving hearts. But this must be done with understanding. It is men’s patriarchal training that keeps them separate. It is everyone responsibility to correct this and give men permission and encouragement to feel. Women will also need to look at the busy fairytale illusion of life they are continuously creating that leaves men out, except to take out the garbage and bring in money. If you don’t think this is common, ask men.

We all have felt pain; life makes that inevitable. We mostly deal with the pain by repressing it, distracting from it, or less frequently healing it by allowing it, feeling it, and releasing it. Most are hazily aware of their unreleased inner pain. Pain is a catalyst for growth, one of the biggest, like it or not. But most run from this pain. I have too. But pain is not necessarily the enemy. Pain makes us take action by making choices. These choices are often habitual and defensive. For example: pulling your hand away from the proverbial hot iron, in this case not necessarily wrong. Defenses can be useful, unless they no longer serve us. Sometimes they prevent our healing, we then become stuck. The pain becomes familiar, almost comfortable.

If we find ourselves being “burned,” in the same manner repeatedly, then this is a sign that we are stuck: we need to be aware of this, so we can change. The pain becomes a messenger, a teacher. Everyone can change, but they must be willing. We are but a choice away from change. Some believe that people don’t really ever change, they just modify their behaviors. Not true, unless you choose it by not being willing to look into the depths where the roots of the issues lie. So, sometimes we need to be burned again to make us aware that we are putting ourselves in the same place, doing the same thing again, it just looks different. We’ve placed our hand on another form of the iron, and yes it still burns. OK, so maybe we should look at why we are doing this, maybe make new choices. But often we just find another iron, a new and different one, and we wonder why we are burned again. Like moths to a flame, we are drawn to it and we get burned. Then we blame the flame. So we lick our wounds and find another flame. Sound familiar? I know that scenario from personal experience.

Naturally, this is not in our best interest; yet it may be what we need. Yes, I meant that. Let me explain. We get stuck, we don’t see other options, or we are just plain lazy, complacent. After all, growth is work. There are no magic pills, or quick fixes; in fact it is like exercise. You just get to keep on doing it. “But I don’t want to, or it is too much work, or I can’t, or (fill in the blank with whatever excuse you can come up with).” We all have excuses, me too. I don’t want to write this article, because I will have to deal with myself in doing so. I will even have to admit my failings, failures, and worse, my own culpability in hurting myself, and maybe others. That’s not pretty. The late Dr. Carl Jung called looking at this part of ourselves the “disagreeable part.” He meant that in a big way. But there is something else, and I see this in me, and I don’t like it. What is it?

What we don’t (choose to) see is the pain we cause others. That’s because our pain blinds us to the consequences of our own actions or reactions. We hurt the ones we love, and think (fool ourselves) that we are doing it out of love. Then, to make it worse, we know all this on a deep level; we know we’ve created pain in those we love. I see I have done this, and still am, and I feel deep sorrow for this, and this causes me pain. Then, this awareness creates self-questioning, shame, and more pain. It’s a vicious cycle that if I/we don’t change this all will just continue and add to a world already burden with pain.

This last one is the most damaging because it is running rampant in this crazy, pain-filled world. And we are creating it. For evidence of this, instead of just being ourselves, look at the diversity of distractions and addictions we all have at our disposal. These are used to divert our attention from being, which includes looking within. This harming of others and self comes from our “shadow,” commonly called our dark-side. We don’t see it consciously, so therefore it must not exist we tell ourselves. But inside, deep inside, we know it does. This awareness is somewhere in the background of our being, following us like a shadow we just don’t see. Unfortunately, we see evidence that it raised its ugly head, but only from the damage done. Often, we can excuse it away. We may say we are doing something out of love, but it is really self-serving. “It is their issue anyway,” we may think, or “I don’t know how that happened.” And the shadow has struck again.

Now, the trick to changing all this is allowing awareness to steep, like a tea bag. Summoning up the courage to allow the knowledge to seep in, without, let me reiterate, without making us wrong, without shaming ourselves, preventing the infliction of more pain to others and self. I am not saying that somehow magically we will feel no pain or discomfort looking at our actions. However, beyond a shadow of a doubt we know inside everything we do. It stews inside us, like it or not. I am saying that we don’t need to add fuel to the fire, more pain, the shaming of self, to the pot. But we still must have the courage to look within and be willing to heal what we find. How do we accomplish this?

Forgiveness is the answer. Forgiveness of “them,” the government, the world, God, and anything else we blame, but most importantly, of self. We participated in the harming of others and ourselves unconsciously. Sorry, but we all have. There is no escaping this. This is the present human condition. This includes passively sitting by in one’s own rose-colored world, and pretending that pain doesn’t exist, or is not our problem, nothing we can do about it, “I didn’t cause it.” Deaf, dumb, and blind will not excuse it. It is victim consciousness, “it was done to me.” If, for whatever reason, you did not end the situation, then you participated in it.

The evolved human condition may not need all this and will have learned to release by awareness and forgiving. We’re not there yet. Forgiveness is a process and perhaps an unending one. It is not making wrongs OK. It is releasing our energy that is for-giving-up, it must be given up, our lives depend on it. Otherwise, this repressed energy will eat us alive. Sometimes we must redouble our efforts at forgiving, take it to a new level. Life will tell you when this is necessary. It is necessary in today’s world without question and all of us participated. I clearly include myself. I can’t say I like this. But I must acknowledge this, forgive, grow and evolve.

— And the truth shall set you free.

There is not a soul who has not heard, if not thought that this is crazy world. It is, but why is this so?

First, what is “crazy,” what does it really mean, and what are the signs of it? The definition of crazy includes: mentally deranged; demented; insane; senseless; impractical; or totally unsound. To this I would add: being disconnected from reality; living in a fantasy world that may be hellacious or heavenly, but is nonetheless unreal. You can see this in people who are narcissistic, its all about them, or the negative narcissist who makes it all about everybody else, which is really about them in a negative way. Craziness shows up in people’s actions in which they may say or act in ways that are incongruent with their own statements or reality. Congruency, being in line with all aspects of self, is a key indicator. If a person doesn’t “walk their talk,” that is incongruent. This is crazy, but not what would be considered clinically crazy. Lies are a good indicator too. If you can’t tell the truth, that is crazy (pathological). Politicians, celebrities, bankers and Wall Streeters all have displayed their lack of empathy and consideration for others, told self-serving lies, and generally been incongruent in their behaviors except where their gluttony comes into play. This, they are heartlessly congruent about. Tiger Woods had an image that was not congruent with his reality. That is crazy and now has been labeled as sex addiction. It far more than that, it is an underlying incongruency with self.

Crazy doesn’t mean needing to be locked up; it is just not being in line with self. Einstein said that the definition of crazy was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The actions and resultants were incongruent with one’s expectations.

Now, using the above understandings, would society in general not be classified as crazy? Nothing is in line with anything else; chaos reins supreme no matter how diligently the powers that be try to change, fix, or cover them up. They are still basing their actions on unsound thinking; the underlying incongruencies are still in place, and so the results remain constant. In fact, is our government not flip-flopping along diametrically opposed party lines, with its inherent corruption and oppositional views of reality.  What the country and world needs will never be resolved from diametric opposition, only union and partnership. What we have is simply a dynamically crazy system, easily manipulated, in our crazy world. Pitting one side against another, with no holds barred, creates the ripples of craziness that last for generations. One example of this is called unbridled capitalism. The opposite is communism/fascism. Neither works, though certainly having liberty is better than not; cooperative guidance is also needed, not unbridled anarchy, or rigid structure. In fact, perhaps the U.S. founding fathers got it wrong in creating polarity with the Bicameral Congress and two party systems. All one has to do to influence, read that control, an outcome is influence one side differently then normal, and the other side, which normally responds in a certain fashion, finds itself responding differently also. It changes the final composite. It also keeps everyone distracted in the battle, while the underlying agenda is accomplished, unnoticed.

In human terms, it affects the effect of the interaction. The dichotomy influenced the resultant. The results will be different and unexpected from those rigidly designed structures we all create, called our perception of our world and lives. I believe a trinity is better than a polarizing dichotomy. This way there will be a fluid ever-changing exchange of ideas. Rigid right or left thinking becomes unlikely and union, what is best for all is possible.

The so-called “battle-of-the-sexes” is another example of this craziness that affects every one of us. This is what my books are based on and seek to correct. In fact, I submit it is the underlying root disassociation for all others. We start out as children and immediately are brainwashed with the beliefs that parts of our  god-given essence is wrong, shameful. For men, it is feelings, the inner feminine energy, which is disallowed, starting with the admonition that “big boys don’t cry.” Men are then taught to replace all emotional needs with sex and expressions of anger. The roots of this and how it plays out, plus how to change all this are clearly spelled-out in my award-winning first book, Men –The Gods of Love.

Women are told, “don’t trouble your little mind, we men will handle it.” This tells a woman she is mentally not equal to men. This is of course nonsense. Add to that, she may see the masculine mental energy as being powerful, but also heartless. This would make it unattractive and further disconnect her from her masculine mental aspect. I have explained this clearly in my recently released second book Women – The Goddesses of Wisdom.

All right, so we have a picture of our crazy world as a dichotomy, the splitting in two of a whole, moving to opposing sides and importantly, making the other side wrong. If part of the world and ourselves is wrong, than the world must be wrong, read that crazy. This is the same principal for individuals, if part of us is wrong, then we must be wrong. That is called shame. Now, if we remain crazy, we are more easily influenced by certain techniques applied to either side, or both at once. Fear is certainly a technique used, and it has been applied with great success recently. We are being shaped into a world of grateful have nots and haves. Splitting these underclasses, us, into opposing forces, getting us to fight amongst ourselves is key. Then getting both sides to fear and blame each other for our crazy world, allows one a lot of leverage. We can see this in today’s world most clearly. Fear is rampant. People will give up rights, freedoms, and even their first-born to ward off the fear. Fear can only exist in polarity, where it exerts the most influence; it is impotent in union. Our corporations were just handed the keys to controlling this country through a recent Supreme Court ruling giving them the unlimited ability to pay-off and further corrupt our political system. This was in fact a revolution; the rich and powerful have now become far more powerful and dangerous. They will keep us distracted and in fear so they can control us, and horde more wealth. It will seem like an even crazier world, until we have given up all our rights to free thinking. But, there will be the illusion that we still have the right. Then, they will dictate order, read that safety and structure, and dole out what scraps we are to receive. And we will lap it up, thinking it is a safer, less crazy world. That is the most dangerous crazy scenario I can think of, and I am seeing it occur right before our eyes.

So what can we do? That is the question. Here is the answer, counter-revolution, taking back our power that we gave up, while looking at how our own greed and gluttony allowed this. This will not be pleasant, but is necessary if we are to retain any power. Bin-Laden was a distracting pawn, used successfully to create fear, so we would not notice how we were and are being raped. “I’ll give up anything to feel safe.” I hope it’s not too late. Awareness is the first step, second is the plan for correcting the situation, and third is taking action. I am not sure what that will look like. But clearly, Big Brother is the corporation, run by the wealthy that control them. Ah, but don’t worry, they will take care of you and your family. Enslave them is more like it. And they are well on their way to create this world of servitude to their greed and excesses.