David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

Man-making, the process by which we grow and train our men is an art, one that requires the balance in an artists eyes. A man is not a human looking computational device, to be programmed and then let loose on the world.

Human existence must be treated as the artistic expression of the whole being, not just the mind. A balance whole must be permitted and encouraged. Otherwise, it will all be about the art of the deal, without soul, feeling, or humanness. Yet, this is exactly what is being portrayed as men’s role model. The “collateral damage” to others mounts. Still, the “deal makers,” these gluttonous, soulless accumulators continue hoarding and never thinking they have enough. An artist knows when it is enough, the glutton just wants more, more.

Let life be art for you, feel it, engage it, and paint using all your brushes.

Continued from the earlier blog entry:

When men imprison their feelings (feminine side) in walls built out of patriarchal (male as superior) stone, it creates a result most are unaware of.

It is a well know psychological principal that our inner landscape, or belief system, what goes on inside us, is always projected out onto our outer world. Our inner demons become outer ones. We will seek them out or create them were they did not exist. This is how we work.

Therefore, if men imprison their emotions because they’re told emotions are not to be trusted, are a sign of weakness, and are just plan wrong, men will seek to imprison or control their outer feeling world as well. Men will see the embodiment of feelings, women, in the same light their training has taught them see their feeling part. Naturally, they will attempt to control (imprison) women, or at least keep them at a distance, creating walls between them.

Worse still, men are taught, or inherently know, that it is their job to protect women. What better place to protect them, then locked behind castle walls? Walls that separate, damage both parties. Read more on this in Men-The Gods of Love. Click the book’s image in the right-hand column.

When women lie, they often call them “little white lies,” and rationalize them away saying: “nobody needs to know,” “no harm is done,” “no one was hurt, therefore it is OK,” “but I had to,” or “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings with the truth,” but I did want what I wanted. For the record, there are no “white” or black lies, lies are lies. When emotions dictate actions, including blatant lying, these emotions become the justifications for many women’s actions. You will find that many of men’s reasons for lying are similar to women’s. They may of course be expressed from a more masculine viewpoint.

Women can lie by simply faking orgasm, or pretending to love someone, when it is the lifestyle they love, this is bartering for safety and security. It is a damaging lie.

Women are illusionists and the “art” of cosmetology is part of this illusion. It is the wearing of costumes with the attempt to project an image that they wish others to perceive. It is a lie to others, but many are so completely enmeshed in the “art” of lying that they will denounce me for saying this.

The number one reason women lie is to get what they want, as dictated by their emotions. Responsibility for the lies consequences are dismissed or projected onto others.

Women will lie as a defense against controlling men they are afraid of. They make up stories hope to placate and cajole these men.

Here are some of the reasons women have said they lie [With my comments in brackets]:

1. If I tell you the truth you may get hurt and I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to feel or think I’m responsible for your pain. [Eventually, lies are found out, the immediacy of your needs has won out over integrity, honor, and love.]

2. To create the illusions men want to hear. [Are you just an illusion? If you want to be honored, respected, cherished, and loved, know that all illusions come crashing down and with it your self-respect. The best Pre-nup is the truth. The best antidote for failed relationships is the truth.]

3. I don’t want to hurt a man’s heart, to be cruel, so I protect him by lying. [How can a man mature and trust women if what they are told is not the truth. As an example, if his zipper is down, tell him, don’t let him walk around with people snickering. Of course, do it as tactfully as possible.]

4. It’s easier, because the truth takes too much effort. [Laziness begets complacency, which begets disrespect and loss of connection. Relationships take work.]

5. To get out of a bad/difficult situation. [I was given as an example: a woman meets a man at a bar, she remains talking with him as long as he is buying the drinks. She decides not to see him further, but “can’t get rid of him,” instead she gives him a wrong number to make the parting easier – for her. She is using him for the drinks and company. Better to say, “look, I am not interested, but thanks for the drinks.” Tell the truth, you will respect yourself for it, he will get over it, and respect you too.]

6. I am insecure, afraid to express who I am, so I lie. [And forfeit your soul? Rethink this! Self-expression is imperative to humanness. Making mistakes along the way is OK; that’s how you learn.]

7. I lie to please. [Please who, you think you are doing the recipient a service?]

8. To boost my ego, self-confidence. [It may boost your outer expression of your ego state, but it absolutely lowers your inner self-worth. Rethink this.]

9. To avoid confrontation. [Guaranteed you will have consequences that you can’t avoid, which will now include that you can’t be trusted.]

10. I lie to avoid commitment. I lie to get a commitment. [I combined these two as they’re obvious and create a twisted world, of lies, distrust, deceit, numerous divorces, etc. Sounds like the world doesn’t it?]

11. Fear of past deeds haunting me, or soiling my reputation. [The truth always comes out. Better to tell it truthfully, then to be discovered in a lie.]

12. Fear of the unknown. [Courage knows that there is something more important than our fears. Develop your courage.]

13. I lie for fun to see what kind of drama these lies will create. It gives me a sense of power. “See what I am capable of creating.” [Wow, I acknowledge this one floored me. It’s like saying, “I pull the legs off of spiders to see what happens.” Blatantly cruel and inconsiderate. This shows a total lack of conscience. Develop it ASAP.]

14. I lie for personal gain, to look or sound better. [And when you are found out, what then? The truth shall set you free, and you will look better.]

15. I lie because “everybody is doing it.” Lying has been made more acceptable, the shows I watch portray it, politicians lie, corporate leaders lie, so why can’t I get away with it too? The Hills, Gray’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and of course the Jerry Springer type shows all demonstrate how lying is the norm. [There is nothing in others actions worth mimicking if it lowers your self-worth. Net worth and self-worth are not connected.]

16. So as not to upset the [rental agreement.] This is the lie that materially based relationships are formed on, the barter system. Tit for Tat. [Wasn’t love supposed to be part of relationships, if not its basis? No, it is not just in fairytales. What’s love got to do with it? Everything!]

Lies simply hurt us all. They never work in the long run either. When we know we are liars, we see a world of liars, and none can be trusted. Love becomes the victim, ours and theirs. We project how we see ourselves on others. Nothing is worth that sacrifice!

Self-worth is needed to love yourself. Not narcissistic self-love, but a true honoring of our being and others. Our world is built upon how we see ourselves, which includes honoring, respecting, and being in integrity with others. All are damaged when one lies.

Yes, the truth can be more difficult to face, but by telling the truth you will feel better, fulfilled and the lies based in fear will be gone. Live in the truth. In the end, it is actually easier to be truthful.

Ah yes, the truth, that inconvenient or downright annoying thing. Why can’t it be the way we want it to be? Whose idea was this “the whole truth and nothing but the truth” thing, anyway? I want things the way I want them, period.

Yes, people lie for many reasons. Liars always believe their lies benefit them. First, let’s look at its definition: making untrue statements, the intent to deceive, and creating false or misleading impressions. Lying is a blunt term and it forcefully implies dishonesty. There are differing degrees of it, like: to prevaricate (confuse the issue), equivocate (using words with more than one meaning), palter (insincere promises or intentions), or just plain fib (trivial lies). We all have heard of the so called “white” lie. For the record, there are no “white” or black lies, lies are lies.

People lie to themselves in the form of self-delusions and they lie to others. People lie to get what they want, or prevent some consequence they don’t want. This is narcissism, gross self-centeredness, the ‘ends justify the means,” “wining is everything.” The cost of course is one’s self-worth and soul. Mr. Scrooge, you have justified your life with a series of lies. You are forging a long heavy chain for your soul and your happiness has been stuffed and sits atop your mantle.

Getting sex or anything to do with it is the number one reason men lie. Men also lie because the expression of feelings and needs have been made wrong and shameful for men, so they lie in an attempt to create an acceptable outcome. Men lie because they are at a loss how to get their needs met and blunder about, and lie, trying to find fulfillment.

Sometimes men lie as a defense against manipulative, controlling woman and are afraid they will be consumed by her. They make up stories upon stories. This house-of-lies comes crashing down.

Here are some of the reasons men have said they lie [With my comments in brackets]:

1. If I tell you the truth about what I want you may reject me, judge me, laugh at me, call me childish or an “animal.” A woman may use my truth, which I am sensitive about, to manipulate me. Therefore, I will tell her what I think she wants to hear, or will accept. [Men, often simply lack the wisdom or courage to know what to do in emotional situations. They have shut down their emotions and this has stifled their emotional development.]

2. To create illusions to meet the female’s expectations, giving them what he thinks she wants. The woman then feels as though she is in control and therefore feels secure, safe. [This is a house-of-cards that will come crashing down.]

3. Out of laziness because the truth takes too much effort. I don’t want to be interrogated, or judged, or blamed. [Relationships that are worth continuing are worth all the effort you can muster.]

4. To avoid confrontations at all cost, along with the “headaches” (tension, or withholding of sex) they cause. [Use your male courage to standup for your truth. If you don’t you will never trust yourself or any relationship, since you know it is based on lies.]

5. I am afraid of hurting my lover with the truth, so I lie. [You are risking dire consequences, playing Russian Rolette with your love. Love = Truth]

6. I don’t want my lover to know my true sexual desires, or “perverted” wishes. She may reject me if she knows. [Then you are in fact rejecting you. Better to be a passionate masculine animal, then a house-broken pet.]

7. My ego needs to look bigger, better, be more impressive. I’ve got the biggest ______, or the most______. [Big ego = low self-esteem. Tell the truth always.]

8. I lie to hide what I have, so women will choose me for whom I am, not what I have. I deeply resent being used and I feel worthless when I have been. [Who you are, is who you are, denying it is a self-lie. Of course, you can be discrete about your holdings, but don’t lie – sorry Donald Trump, its too late for you to be discrete.]

9. I lie to avoid verbal conflicts where I feel my verbal skills are inferior; she usually wins, but is not right. I just don’t know how to express myself. I also hate fighting with my lover. [Practice makes perfect.]

10. I am afraid to be me, or not really sure what that is, not always sure what is right, so I lie to not have to face my fear. [And forfeit your soul? Rethink this! Making honest mistakes is OK, learn from them, mistakes don’t lessen you.]

11. So as not to upset the “rental agreement.” This is the lie that the materially based relationship was formed on, the barter system. Tit for Tat. [Did I miss something here? Wasn’t love part of the picture, if not its basis? What’s love got to do with it? Everything!]

The cost for our lies is our self-esteem. When we lie, we can only see a world of lies, and deep inside we come to belief nothing and no one can be trusted, nothing, especially love, is real. These beliefs are projections of how we see ourselves. All hope, love has been sacrificed without the light of truth and honesty. Nothing is worth that sacrifice!

Self-worth is self love. Not the narcissistic self-involved kind, but a true honoring of our inner loving nature. Our world is built upon the wholeness of our being, not just our accumulations. Honor, integrity, respect for self is key. And this includes our honoring, respecting, and being in integrity with others. All are damaged when one lies. Men use the accumulation of wealth, possession, and women as status symbols, an attempt to fake self-worth. Naturally, these are material illusions, phony posturing. Gold will heat you home, which is fine, but it won’t keep you warm inside. Friendship is the basis of relationship, and all friendship must be based in honesty.

Yes, the truth can be more difficult to face, but it has been my experience that I feel much better with higher self-esteem. I am able to create a much better, more fulfilling life, and can enjoy what I have. If you can’t enjoy it, then nothing will ever satisfy you. And – without question – I do much less damage when I am honest. I call this: living in the truth. In the end, it is actually easier to be truthful.

Natural laws must be obeyed, there are no options. Gravity and light follows them and all of what we call nature follows them, naturally. We humans often attempt to swim upstream, against nature. We may perceive we are successful, that we have “gotten-over” on nature, but this is only temporary, natural laws always prevail. Life and death, expansion and inertia, growing and dying are all referring to this natural dance. And the great thing about them is that we can rest assured that we are part of them, a part of nature, and the universal power. Now, some in their mental arrogance will thumb their noses at nature. None can do it for long and all wind up exhausted and eventually dead anyway. It is like being angry at the wind. A more useful approach would be to learn how to sail, harness the wind, but not to fight it.

If you look at a seed, it grows till it flowers, produces its seeds, and then withers and dies. It has no argument with nature. It does its best. Humans however are a funny lot. They sometimes resist and argue against growth and change their whole lives. Often, when they are old and dying they wish they had not resisted, had done it differently. I acknowledge this resistance myself. I can see how I have looked for my “comfort zone.” Change, which is what growth always entails, was too uncomfortable I thought. I can now see that it was my resistance to the change that was uncomfortable and my laziness also contributed. Standing in a river resisting it takes energy. Now, try floating on it – much easier. That’s how one must live life. Grow with the flow, harness it, and use it to get you to where you want to go, or die younger, bitter, and exhausted.

Responsibility, a distasteful word that elicits feelings of guilt, is not taught in our society. We hire lawyers to “get us off,” that is, enable us to shirk our responsibilities for our actions. The right to a fair trial has been twisted into the right to get off – if we can afford it. Frequently talked about are politician who don’t tell the truth or take responsibility for their actions. No surprise here. The same holds true for our celebrities and sports figures. So why should we?

Should the mother of the Philadelphia youth that was planning a Columbine High School style attack been arrested for buying him the weapons (she was)? Should the parents of the actual Columbine High School shooters been arrested (they weren’t)? What about the Ohio student parents (not arrested), or the Virginia Tech murderer; should we have extradited his parents from Korea (are you kidding)? Or for that matter, what about the parents of John Hinckley, the person who shot and tried to kill President Reagan, should they be arrested? Is Monica Lewinski’s mother guilty of harboring evidence? What about the cop that planted the gloves that got OJ off, should he be held accountable?

The answer is, without question, YES! In the Ft. Myers area of Florida this year a 3 year old was murder by his mother’s live-in boyfriend. He was court ordered out of the house, but she let him back in. He was arrested. The mother was also arrested and charged with manslaughter. Last year, a 13 year old girl who was abused since the age of five, was again raped and died of the strangling her stepfather inflicted. She told her mother of the abuse, but the mother didn’t want to believe her. This second mother was not held responsible (FDLE there is still time).

Why are people not held accountable? Is it because our court system is too overloaded? Partially. Are the women that enable these crimes seen as victims themselves and therefore not thought to be accountable? Unfortunately, yes, but they are just as responsible. But we don’t hold them that way. Instead, we feel empathy for them, or just pity them the poor dears. Nonsense, their children’s actions are their responsibility, as are the actions of their paramours. The truth is that while they were choosing to ignore warnings, too distracted or busy to parent, too afraid to be alone, the deeds were done. This is a new level of responsibility I am speaking of, and it is a change in society’s thinking that I am propounding.

To be continued…

It happened again at a school in Cleveland. And a repeat of the 1999 Columbine High School shooting was just prevented in Philadelphia. Horrible, insane, what is this world coming too? But overlooked in the media stories were why this is happening and who is responsible.

We don’t listen to our kids, perhaps out of sheer exhaustion, or our attention is focused elsewhere. In Ohio, overworked school officials didn’t take the threat seriously despite warnings. The student arrested in Philadelphia had a cache of weapons and a live grenade purchased by his mother, who has been arrested. Why have we waited this long to begin holding parents like this mother accountable?

Have we become just too busy, or lazy to care? Why do we choose to be ignorant of what our kids are doing? The answer is we as parents are too often too busy to spend time with, listen to, and guide our kids. Our life’s priorities have become warped. Kids must be at the top of the list, but often they are not.

We permit kids to become addicted to violence, as a normative behavior. Violent Gangsta music, video games, movies, and the internet have become their drugs. To young killers, violence is their real world. They’ve lost touch with their families and society in general.

An example is violent video games, which are addictive and mind altering. Kids are permitted and encouraged to participate in these antisocial activities whose sole goal is to KILL, DESTROY, and EXTERMINATE. In one of the games the prizes are “bitches.” What does this teach females? Many of these kids never develop socialization skills.

For boys this is a huge issue, because they are taught that expressing feelings is shameful. The violence portrayed in these games is like a junkie’s rush. It has a similar chemical effect in the brain. And junkies always need another fix. The addict feels powerful and important in their addictive state, countering a lackluster life. Naturally, they withdraw further from human contact, just like addicts do into their made up world.

Television, the internet, and video games make human contact unimportant, expendable, and are addictive distraction for our minds. We disassociate from our feelings, our humanness.

In many families, sitting around watching television, “playing” video games, or working on their computers is life. This has replaced relating to each other, and becomes addictive. These distractions are substitutes for intimacy and result in our losing the ability to interrelate as humans.

The new parenting model is actually a form of anarchy, born out of our laziness. Anarchy always breeds contempt! Our kids think, “You don’t care enough to discipline me? You must not care for me then.” Add a violent video game to the mix and we have a sociopath in the making. “Not our little Johnny” you think? Stop fooling yourselves and wake up. View every video game they have. Make your kids show you how they play it. Have them take you through the game’s levels. If the game is unfit, destroy it, or let it destroy your child. By being interested in what they say and do shows you care, even if they protest about it. Part of parenting is facing the objections of our children, which is disagreeable, and many parents will not summon up the courage to face this.

The parents of the shooters are responsible, at minimum for neglecting their children, and perhaps for the crimes themselves. Just as ignorance of the law is no excuse, neither is ignorance of your child’s addiction to violent video games, or their antisocial leanings. Parents allow them unsupervised access to addictive activities and weapons, or pretend to be ignorant of it. The excuse many parents offer is that they are giving their kids “space.” Children need the room to grow, AND desperately need clear boundaries. They will protest, but will feel secure in knowing what is OK and what is not. This assists them in defining their world, an important part of maturing. If we don’t give it to them, their peers will. A scary thought!

Parents buy the games for the kids, or put them in front of the “electronic babysitters” TV, because they are tired or disinterested. Unfortunately, these “babysitters” become role models; as do the gangsta rappers, whores masquerading as celebrities, and other insanities our children think of as normal because we stand mute. Our children then try to imitate these “normal” behaviors. Their parents and society as a whole are responsible. Why do we permit these things? Why are there no other activities available and a reasonable community to interact with? We have a stark choice, to spend money on community centers and education, or on prisons for our kids. Those are the only options! Become involved in your child’s life.

That is a question asked by many, is it possible, or will sexuality always get in the way? And the answer is – unequivocally, absolutely, maybe. — Alright, so it’s a little murky, but then again so are human relations.

Well then, what are some of the factors, besides sex, that come into play in this equation of intersexual friendship. First off, besides sex, we have differing expectation of what a friend is, and often we are ignorant how to be friends with the other sex.

For example: let’s say you were a young man and basically your friends either played sports together, or did other physical activities together. Now, imagine a female friend, how do you relate to her, “Hey, want to play football?” Obviously, on the whole this would not be a wise approach.

OK, so how would you as a guy create a non-sexual friendship with a woman? Certainly it would not be by running away from this challenging situation; or by requiring her to behave like a man would. Ask her questions about what she thinks and feels. Ask her how she sees a friendship occurring with a man. Perhaps, both may learn about each other through this experience.

Then there may be sexual matters to lay aside, and I acknowledge this can sometimes be challenging. Ask yourself if the drive for sex is just your indiscriminate sex drive, or a true attraction to this person’s whole being. If it is not for the whole being then it is not about them. Handle this need in other ways, then be friends. If you truly are attracted to her, and she is not to you, back off. Give it space, remain friendly and communicate why you are pulling back. She will appreciate being honored by you being vulnerable and – you never know. The reverse would be true for women.

Often, a man’s sex drive is driven by sex being presented to young men as a needful thing, notches in one’s gun so to speak, the attainment of manhood. This has nothing to do with masculinity. It is simply machismo run rampant. And women are not door prizes. You will miss the human miracle they are if you see them this way. We all lose the possibility of true connection when we move into sexual materialism.

The answer to the question is yes; men and women can and should be friends. It is just there are some extra considerations that one needs to be conscious of.

First, we must understand that friendship has two components; one is an emotional (feeling) component, and the other a reasoning (thinking) component.

Relationships, such as friendship, requires connection, relating, feeling, compassion and empathy. These are the bailiwick of the feminine. It is no coincidence that women will have the most friends. By sheer quantity, women are the clear cut winners, that is, if this were a race. It’s not though, and the depth of the friendship, the deep abiding friendship, verses fair-weather friends, is also an important factor.

True friendship also requires honor, integrity, and courage, which are the bailiwick of the masculine. Now, certainly men have casual friendships, sports buddies and the like, but their true friends they will die for, as they will for family and country. Just ask a soldier or veteran. This is the stuff of deep abiding friendship.

The masculine, in order to be full beings must be allowed to use their feeling essence, their inner feminine energy that is part of all men.

The feminine, in order to be full beings must be allowed to use their thinking essence, their inner masculine energy that is part of all women.

Neither of these is truly balanced at presently. The precise mixture within each male or female is unique to each.

So the answer is really based upon what type and quantity of friends you want.

Men’s patriarchal (male as superior) training builds a mental prison for men’s feelings, the feminine part. This creates an inner struggle, a battle, as their heritage is to be the “Gods of Love.” And this “inner prison” requires huge amounts of emotional energy to maintain, resulting in the eventual loss of vitality and potency.

By denying men permission to connect to their feelings, we wound them deeply, handicapping them. The very source of their magnificence, their love, is denied them. It’s as if men’s hearts have been cut out, leaving them empty inside. They feel disconnected from themselves, their families, their work, the world, and God. Fulfillment escapes them no matter how much they accumulate.

Of course, this is to be expected, how can you connect to another, be a “god of love,” without feelings? How can you feel fulfilled without feelings? Separated from feelings we lose our ability to empathize, to be compassionate, to feel another’s pain or joy.

So first, it must become permissible for men to feel, but they have been taught to fear and distrust these as being dangerous and chaotic. However, these are the parts men so desperately need. We must change these lies we teach men to the truth about who they really are.

Men’s emotional energy, when blocked or channeled incorrectly, deprives them of their full potential as human beings. It specifically restricts their: inspirational abilities, clarity of vision, creativity, empathy and compassion. This further affects their ability to relate to others, and consequently, is a serious factor in relationship failures. Any chance of teamwork (relating in team) becomes remote when feelings are removed from the equation. It effects there work as well. Any limitation on one’s innate abilities lessens the whole.

The only solution for men is simple, recognize and discard the limiting lies taught them starting in childhood, reconnect to feelings, and regain the vitality and other lost qualities sacrificed for the patriarchy. Men will find vast improvements in all their relationships. And low and behold, become more creative and productive.