David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

Ah yes, the truth, that inconvenient or downright annoying thing. Why can’t it be the way we want it to be? Whose idea was this “the whole truth and nothing but the truth” thing, anyway? I want things the way I want them, period.

Yes, people lie for many reasons. Liars always believe their lies benefit them. First, let’s look at its definition: making untrue statements, the intent to deceive, and creating false or misleading impressions. Lying is a blunt term and it forcefully implies dishonesty. There are differing degrees of it, like: to prevaricate (confuse the issue), equivocate (using words with more than one meaning), palter (insincere promises or intentions), or just plain fib (trivial lies). We all have heard of the so called “white” lie. For the record, there are no “white” or black lies, lies are lies.

People lie to themselves in the form of self-delusions and they lie to others. People lie to get what they want, or prevent some consequence they don’t want. This is narcissism, gross self-centeredness, the ‘ends justify the means,” “wining is everything.” The cost of course is one’s self-worth and soul. Mr. Scrooge, you have justified your life with a series of lies. You are forging a long heavy chain for your soul and your happiness has been stuffed and sits atop your mantle.

Getting sex or anything to do with it is the number one reason men lie. Men also lie because the expression of feelings and needs have been made wrong and shameful for men, so they lie in an attempt to create an acceptable outcome. Men lie because they are at a loss how to get their needs met and blunder about, and lie, trying to find fulfillment.

Sometimes men lie as a defense against manipulative, controlling woman and are afraid they will be consumed by her. They make up stories upon stories. This house-of-lies comes crashing down.

Here are some of the reasons men have said they lie [With my comments in brackets]:

1. If I tell you the truth about what I want you may reject me, judge me, laugh at me, call me childish or an “animal.” A woman may use my truth, which I am sensitive about, to manipulate me. Therefore, I will tell her what I think she wants to hear, or will accept. [Men, often simply lack the wisdom or courage to know what to do in emotional situations. They have shut down their emotions and this has stifled their emotional development.]

2. To create illusions to meet the female’s expectations, giving them what he thinks she wants. The woman then feels as though she is in control and therefore feels secure, safe. [This is a house-of-cards that will come crashing down.]

3. Out of laziness because the truth takes too much effort. I don’t want to be interrogated, or judged, or blamed. [Relationships that are worth continuing are worth all the effort you can muster.]

4. To avoid confrontations at all cost, along with the “headaches” (tension, or withholding of sex) they cause. [Use your male courage to standup for your truth. If you don’t you will never trust yourself or any relationship, since you know it is based on lies.]

5. I am afraid of hurting my lover with the truth, so I lie. [You are risking dire consequences, playing Russian Rolette with your love. Love = Truth]

6. I don’t want my lover to know my true sexual desires, or “perverted” wishes. She may reject me if she knows. [Then you are in fact rejecting you. Better to be a passionate masculine animal, then a house-broken pet.]

7. My ego needs to look bigger, better, be more impressive. I’ve got the biggest ______, or the most______. [Big ego = low self-esteem. Tell the truth always.]

8. I lie to hide what I have, so women will choose me for whom I am, not what I have. I deeply resent being used and I feel worthless when I have been. [Who you are, is who you are, denying it is a self-lie. Of course, you can be discrete about your holdings, but don’t lie – sorry Donald Trump, its too late for you to be discrete.]

9. I lie to avoid verbal conflicts where I feel my verbal skills are inferior; she usually wins, but is not right. I just don’t know how to express myself. I also hate fighting with my lover. [Practice makes perfect.]

10. I am afraid to be me, or not really sure what that is, not always sure what is right, so I lie to not have to face my fear. [And forfeit your soul? Rethink this! Making honest mistakes is OK, learn from them, mistakes don’t lessen you.]

11. So as not to upset the “rental agreement.” This is the lie that the materially based relationship was formed on, the barter system. Tit for Tat. [Did I miss something here? Wasn’t love part of the picture, if not its basis? What’s love got to do with it? Everything!]

The cost for our lies is our self-esteem. When we lie, we can only see a world of lies, and deep inside we come to belief nothing and no one can be trusted, nothing, especially love, is real. These beliefs are projections of how we see ourselves. All hope, love has been sacrificed without the light of truth and honesty. Nothing is worth that sacrifice!

Self-worth is self love. Not the narcissistic self-involved kind, but a true honoring of our inner loving nature. Our world is built upon the wholeness of our being, not just our accumulations. Honor, integrity, respect for self is key. And this includes our honoring, respecting, and being in integrity with others. All are damaged when one lies. Men use the accumulation of wealth, possession, and women as status symbols, an attempt to fake self-worth. Naturally, these are material illusions, phony posturing. Gold will heat you home, which is fine, but it won’t keep you warm inside. Friendship is the basis of relationship, and all friendship must be based in honesty.

Yes, the truth can be more difficult to face, but it has been my experience that I feel much better with higher self-esteem. I am able to create a much better, more fulfilling life, and can enjoy what I have. If you can’t enjoy it, then nothing will ever satisfy you. And – without question – I do much less damage when I am honest. I call this: living in the truth. In the end, it is actually easier to be truthful.

Natural laws must be obeyed, there are no options. Gravity and light follows them and all of what we call nature follows them, naturally. We humans often attempt to swim upstream, against nature. We may perceive we are successful, that we have “gotten-over” on nature, but this is only temporary, natural laws always prevail. Life and death, expansion and inertia, growing and dying are all referring to this natural dance. And the great thing about them is that we can rest assured that we are part of them, a part of nature, and the universal power. Now, some in their mental arrogance will thumb their noses at nature. None can do it for long and all wind up exhausted and eventually dead anyway. It is like being angry at the wind. A more useful approach would be to learn how to sail, harness the wind, but not to fight it.

If you look at a seed, it grows till it flowers, produces its seeds, and then withers and dies. It has no argument with nature. It does its best. Humans however are a funny lot. They sometimes resist and argue against growth and change their whole lives. Often, when they are old and dying they wish they had not resisted, had done it differently. I acknowledge this resistance myself. I can see how I have looked for my “comfort zone.” Change, which is what growth always entails, was too uncomfortable I thought. I can now see that it was my resistance to the change that was uncomfortable and my laziness also contributed. Standing in a river resisting it takes energy. Now, try floating on it – much easier. That’s how one must live life. Grow with the flow, harness it, and use it to get you to where you want to go, or die younger, bitter, and exhausted.

Responsibility, a distasteful word that elicits feelings of guilt, is not taught in our society. We hire lawyers to “get us off,” that is, enable us to shirk our responsibilities for our actions. The right to a fair trial has been twisted into the right to get off – if we can afford it. Frequently talked about are politician who don’t tell the truth or take responsibility for their actions. No surprise here. The same holds true for our celebrities and sports figures. So why should we?

Should the mother of the Philadelphia youth that was planning a Columbine High School style attack been arrested for buying him the weapons (she was)? Should the parents of the actual Columbine High School shooters been arrested (they weren’t)? What about the Ohio student parents (not arrested), or the Virginia Tech murderer; should we have extradited his parents from Korea (are you kidding)? Or for that matter, what about the parents of John Hinckley, the person who shot and tried to kill President Reagan, should they be arrested? Is Monica Lewinski’s mother guilty of harboring evidence? What about the cop that planted the gloves that got OJ off, should he be held accountable?

The answer is, without question, YES! In the Ft. Myers area of Florida this year a 3 year old was murder by his mother’s live-in boyfriend. He was court ordered out of the house, but she let him back in. He was arrested. The mother was also arrested and charged with manslaughter. Last year, a 13 year old girl who was abused since the age of five, was again raped and died of the strangling her stepfather inflicted. She told her mother of the abuse, but the mother didn’t want to believe her. This second mother was not held responsible (FDLE there is still time).

Why are people not held accountable? Is it because our court system is too overloaded? Partially. Are the women that enable these crimes seen as victims themselves and therefore not thought to be accountable? Unfortunately, yes, but they are just as responsible. But we don’t hold them that way. Instead, we feel empathy for them, or just pity them the poor dears. Nonsense, their children’s actions are their responsibility, as are the actions of their paramours. The truth is that while they were choosing to ignore warnings, too distracted or busy to parent, too afraid to be alone, the deeds were done. This is a new level of responsibility I am speaking of, and it is a change in society’s thinking that I am propounding.

To be continued…

It happened again at a school in Cleveland. And a repeat of the 1999 Columbine High School shooting was just prevented in Philadelphia. Horrible, insane, what is this world coming too? But overlooked in the media stories were why this is happening and who is responsible.

We don’t listen to our kids, perhaps out of sheer exhaustion, or our attention is focused elsewhere. In Ohio, overworked school officials didn’t take the threat seriously despite warnings. The student arrested in Philadelphia had a cache of weapons and a live grenade purchased by his mother, who has been arrested. Why have we waited this long to begin holding parents like this mother accountable?

Have we become just too busy, or lazy to care? Why do we choose to be ignorant of what our kids are doing? The answer is we as parents are too often too busy to spend time with, listen to, and guide our kids. Our life’s priorities have become warped. Kids must be at the top of the list, but often they are not.

We permit kids to become addicted to violence, as a normative behavior. Violent Gangsta music, video games, movies, and the internet have become their drugs. To young killers, violence is their real world. They’ve lost touch with their families and society in general.

An example is violent video games, which are addictive and mind altering. Kids are permitted and encouraged to participate in these antisocial activities whose sole goal is to KILL, DESTROY, and EXTERMINATE. In one of the games the prizes are “bitches.” What does this teach females? Many of these kids never develop socialization skills.

For boys this is a huge issue, because they are taught that expressing feelings is shameful. The violence portrayed in these games is like a junkie’s rush. It has a similar chemical effect in the brain. And junkies always need another fix. The addict feels powerful and important in their addictive state, countering a lackluster life. Naturally, they withdraw further from human contact, just like addicts do into their made up world.

Television, the internet, and video games make human contact unimportant, expendable, and are addictive distraction for our minds. We disassociate from our feelings, our humanness.

In many families, sitting around watching television, “playing” video games, or working on their computers is life. This has replaced relating to each other, and becomes addictive. These distractions are substitutes for intimacy and result in our losing the ability to interrelate as humans.

The new parenting model is actually a form of anarchy, born out of our laziness. Anarchy always breeds contempt! Our kids think, “You don’t care enough to discipline me? You must not care for me then.” Add a violent video game to the mix and we have a sociopath in the making. “Not our little Johnny” you think? Stop fooling yourselves and wake up. View every video game they have. Make your kids show you how they play it. Have them take you through the game’s levels. If the game is unfit, destroy it, or let it destroy your child. By being interested in what they say and do shows you care, even if they protest about it. Part of parenting is facing the objections of our children, which is disagreeable, and many parents will not summon up the courage to face this.

The parents of the shooters are responsible, at minimum for neglecting their children, and perhaps for the crimes themselves. Just as ignorance of the law is no excuse, neither is ignorance of your child’s addiction to violent video games, or their antisocial leanings. Parents allow them unsupervised access to addictive activities and weapons, or pretend to be ignorant of it. The excuse many parents offer is that they are giving their kids “space.” Children need the room to grow, AND desperately need clear boundaries. They will protest, but will feel secure in knowing what is OK and what is not. This assists them in defining their world, an important part of maturing. If we don’t give it to them, their peers will. A scary thought!

Parents buy the games for the kids, or put them in front of the “electronic babysitters” TV, because they are tired or disinterested. Unfortunately, these “babysitters” become role models; as do the gangsta rappers, whores masquerading as celebrities, and other insanities our children think of as normal because we stand mute. Our children then try to imitate these “normal” behaviors. Their parents and society as a whole are responsible. Why do we permit these things? Why are there no other activities available and a reasonable community to interact with? We have a stark choice, to spend money on community centers and education, or on prisons for our kids. Those are the only options! Become involved in your child’s life.

That is a question asked by many, is it possible, or will sexuality always get in the way? And the answer is – unequivocally, absolutely, maybe. — Alright, so it’s a little murky, but then again so are human relations.

Well then, what are some of the factors, besides sex, that come into play in this equation of intersexual friendship. First off, besides sex, we have differing expectation of what a friend is, and often we are ignorant how to be friends with the other sex.

For example: let’s say you were a young man and basically your friends either played sports together, or did other physical activities together. Now, imagine a female friend, how do you relate to her, “Hey, want to play football?” Obviously, on the whole this would not be a wise approach.

OK, so how would you as a guy create a non-sexual friendship with a woman? Certainly it would not be by running away from this challenging situation; or by requiring her to behave like a man would. Ask her questions about what she thinks and feels. Ask her how she sees a friendship occurring with a man. Perhaps, both may learn about each other through this experience.

Then there may be sexual matters to lay aside, and I acknowledge this can sometimes be challenging. Ask yourself if the drive for sex is just your indiscriminate sex drive, or a true attraction to this person’s whole being. If it is not for the whole being then it is not about them. Handle this need in other ways, then be friends. If you truly are attracted to her, and she is not to you, back off. Give it space, remain friendly and communicate why you are pulling back. She will appreciate being honored by you being vulnerable and – you never know. The reverse would be true for women.

Often, a man’s sex drive is driven by sex being presented to young men as a needful thing, notches in one’s gun so to speak, the attainment of manhood. This has nothing to do with masculinity. It is simply machismo run rampant. And women are not door prizes. You will miss the human miracle they are if you see them this way. We all lose the possibility of true connection when we move into sexual materialism.

The answer to the question is yes; men and women can and should be friends. It is just there are some extra considerations that one needs to be conscious of.

First, we must understand that friendship has two components; one is an emotional (feeling) component, and the other a reasoning (thinking) component.

Relationships, such as friendship, requires connection, relating, feeling, compassion and empathy. These are the bailiwick of the feminine. It is no coincidence that women will have the most friends. By sheer quantity, women are the clear cut winners, that is, if this were a race. It’s not though, and the depth of the friendship, the deep abiding friendship, verses fair-weather friends, is also an important factor.

True friendship also requires honor, integrity, and courage, which are the bailiwick of the masculine. Now, certainly men have casual friendships, sports buddies and the like, but their true friends they will die for, as they will for family and country. Just ask a soldier or veteran. This is the stuff of deep abiding friendship.

The masculine, in order to be full beings must be allowed to use their feeling essence, their inner feminine energy that is part of all men.

The feminine, in order to be full beings must be allowed to use their thinking essence, their inner masculine energy that is part of all women.

Neither of these is truly balanced at presently. The precise mixture within each male or female is unique to each.

So the answer is really based upon what type and quantity of friends you want.

Men’s patriarchal (male as superior) training builds a mental prison for men’s feelings, the feminine part. This creates an inner struggle, a battle, as their heritage is to be the “Gods of Love.” And this “inner prison” requires huge amounts of emotional energy to maintain, resulting in the eventual loss of vitality and potency.

By denying men permission to connect to their feelings, we wound them deeply, handicapping them. The very source of their magnificence, their love, is denied them. It’s as if men’s hearts have been cut out, leaving them empty inside. They feel disconnected from themselves, their families, their work, the world, and God. Fulfillment escapes them no matter how much they accumulate.

Of course, this is to be expected, how can you connect to another, be a “god of love,” without feelings? How can you feel fulfilled without feelings? Separated from feelings we lose our ability to empathize, to be compassionate, to feel another’s pain or joy.

So first, it must become permissible for men to feel, but they have been taught to fear and distrust these as being dangerous and chaotic. However, these are the parts men so desperately need. We must change these lies we teach men to the truth about who they really are.

Men’s emotional energy, when blocked or channeled incorrectly, deprives them of their full potential as human beings. It specifically restricts their: inspirational abilities, clarity of vision, creativity, empathy and compassion. This further affects their ability to relate to others, and consequently, is a serious factor in relationship failures. Any chance of teamwork (relating in team) becomes remote when feelings are removed from the equation. It effects there work as well. Any limitation on one’s innate abilities lessens the whole.

The only solution for men is simple, recognize and discard the limiting lies taught them starting in childhood, reconnect to feelings, and regain the vitality and other lost qualities sacrificed for the patriarchy. Men will find vast improvements in all their relationships. And low and behold, become more creative and productive.

I have become aware of a phenomenon that is occurring in which teenage girls are performing oral sex at parties with men they don’t know, strangers. I asked my teenage daughters if they have heard about this and they said yes.

I found that unbelievable! My daughter did too. I felt angry and disturbed with this. Has our society digressed to the degree that young girls consider oral sex equal to hand shakes? Former U.S. President Clinton said it was “not sex.” This has had greater ramification than anyone thought. The answer was sadly obvious to me.

Why? How is this possible? Some possibilities came to mind:

1. Peer Pressure, to be popular, accepted within a certain circles of friends
2. Lack of self-esteem or self-worth
3. For fun, to have a taboo experience
4. To explore their sexuality
5. Boys will not pressure for intercourse if they receive oral gratification
6. To please others
7. Might be part of a sexual addiction
8. The need for attention

Of course, teenage boys are part of this situation; they are culpable in this travesty. Someone who hasn’t heard of this phenomenon may be asking were they can find these parties. How could they participate? That’s simple; they are focused on the only thing allowable for a real “man,” sex. Unfortunately, they actual have lost sight of what they need, connection. They allow the women to lessen themselves and think nothing of it, yet deep inside they know and this will come back to haunt them.

But young women in today’s hip hop world are inundated with direct sexual examples of woman as sex objects. These undulating sex objects serve the sexual needs of the gangstas and other macho types. In fact they are referred to as “bitches,” or “my bitch.” Ho, slang for whore is now an acceptable “pet” name, as is mimicking pimps. This ghetto mentality has infected our society. It is a disease and must be seen as this. And this thinking must be declared unacceptable. Society must raise-up ghetto thinking, not lower itself into its ignorant darkness.

Further, our Hollywood “stars” do it and have the videos to prove it. These “role models” (I want to vomit) have been give so little direction, discipline and guidance that they run amok. They are allowed access to the out-of-control adult world of Hollywood and know no bounds. Their “handler” won’t rock-the-boat for fear of displeasing them and losing their jobs. And somehow society has decided to turn a blind eye to all this. When Paris Hilton’s porn video was released her parents said from wherever they were tipping their martinis (not at her side) that they support her. My older teenage daughter was part of a conversation I had on this subject and she said without prodding that she would be chained to a wall in a Tibetan Monastery if she did that. She was correct; I love her enough to discipline her, even if she hates me for it. I am also not so narcissistic that my life would take precedence and be more important to the exclusion of hers.

Perhaps all of society has lost sight of the whole of society. We are blinded by our own self-involvement to the point we ignore our children’s desperate need to be seen and considered important enough for us to give them guidance. Even though they will fight it, they desperately want it. Providing attention and guidance is a courageous form of our love, and it is lacking. A calm, lack of arguing does not mean all is well. If can mean a blind eye was turned so as not to have to confront unpleasant situtations. Risk overturning the apple cart, upseting the calm!

It is time for adults to wake-up and take a stand. The future of the world, our children are at risk!

Society is in the process of redefining the man as something more “sanitized, hairless, and shallow,” a domesticated work beast that has been neutered and dehorned. This is the feminized male, the so called “metrosexual.” Their “Mojo” has been distilled and bottled, controllable, and in pill form—only allowable to men when performing their “appropriate” servicing duties. Standing-at-attention, they reconfirm their masculinity—“see, I am a man.”

There is a lot more to a man than just standing-at-attention. But, of course, that is denied them for the most part. Deep inside men are starving, lonely, and unfulfilled no matter how much they have accumulated. They use distraction after distraction as a way of not having to connect with these inner feelings, which has the effect of further denying them the very things they desire, connection and fulfillment. Eventually, men run out of steam, the distractions are seen as useless illusions and seeing no other option they give up, depressed. They live out the remainder of their lives as lonely, shut-down old men.

Unfortunately, the connection to self, which is denied men by being labeled as “wrong,” creates shame. Why? Because all men have feelings no matter how deep they have repressed them. Have feelings that are “wrong” makes men feel they are wrong—the definition of shame. Yet, women say they want a feeling man, at least when it fits their needs.

Since men are shamed having feelings, this creates the fear of abandonment. “If others see I have feelings, they will not want me, and I will be abandoned.” Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. “Why try, what’s the use?”

Men-The Gods of Love resolves this dilemma for men and helps women understand men in a new light, and perhaps see how they unwittingly are participants.

That was the headline on 8/8/07 in the Sun-Sentinel, the Ft. Lauderdale, Florida Newspaper. This article refers to a ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia. The opinion of the majority voiced by Judge Thomas B. Griffith is a s follows: “Terminally ill patient desperately need curative treatment, their [imminent] deaths can certainly be hastened by the use of a potentially toxic drug with no proven benefit.” HELLO – which part of terminally ill did they not understand? Voicing dissent for the minority was Judge Judith W. Rodgers, who said “the right to save ones own life is left out in the cold despite its textual anchor in the right to life.”

How is this possible??? Simple – lawyers/judges often are disconnected from their hearts, spending countless hours pondering mental legal questions. Their feelings and humanness are somehow forgotten. How can we as humans who have so many rights including the right to “control ones body even if it results in one’s own death…,” not have the right to experimental drugs that may give us a chance to survive a terminal illness?

This is clearly short-sighted, myopic thinking, which leaves out reason and wisdom. A computer if given existing laws would spit out the same response. This is not reasoning, on regurgitating. Garbage in, garbage out. Why do we need judges if we only wanted regurgitation? Because we are dealing with humans, requiring reasoning, and the law has lost sight of this. In fact the law is not designed or able to understand this at all.

We need a change and there are a lot of Judges that need to retire. But then what would they do? They most likely have no idea how to behave as a human being, only human machines. It is time for all to wake up.