David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

Everything is a relationship, or lack of one. Relationships are the cornerstones of anything long-term. Your most important relationships are the ones that affected you the most, to the core. What are their hallmarks? Real relationships include being cared about, believed in, mutually. For example: Did your best boss, or teacher, or mentor care and believe in you? The answer is of course, yes, and you felt it too, didn’t you? And you cared about and believed in them in return. This mutual connection of caring and believing in was THE main ingredient, without which no real relationship would have been possible.

This is the secret key to all relationships; being believed in and cared about, not just seen as being “useful.” This is never more important than in a romantic relationship and yet mostly ignored. When a woman feels her man wants her only for sex and to do chores, her soul feels invisible, she feels unimportant, of little value. She resents this and it lessens her. When a man is seen as the stereotypical hero, protector, provider who takes out the garbage, but his essence is not seen, cared about or valued, he feels of little value. He resents and is lessened too. The barter system that has replaced sacred union in many marriages illustrates this.

While the above is clear, what is not clear is that all long-term real relationships are based in the same principals. This includes employer-employee, provider-client, apartment resident-doorman, etc. It doesn’t matter. Even if you remember the smallest personal detail about this person and ask about it indicates they as a human being have importance to you. Remembering a persons name is a good one that I struggle with personally. When I can’t remember, I make sure somehow by mentioning some detail that I do remember to show they are not taken for granted. I use word association to improve my retention and repeat their names when I meet them. Why, because they are important as human beings.

The words we commonly apply to important business relationships include: trust, caring, respect, mutuality, and win-win. These all are a part of creating good solid business relationships. The words we apply to personal relationships include: caring, intimacy, love, passion, fun, and exciting. By the way, intimacy does not mean sex, but a close, familiar, vulnerable relationship with another person or group (in-to-me-see). Here is where our thinking processes are in error; we created a distinction where there is none. Business and personal relationships’ qualities are not mutually exclusive. It is when we separate them that we deny others and our own essential humanness, because it is easier. Relationships require work.

We have become a society that worships the god of easier, laziness. We produce little and want a lot. This is our downfall. Easier means others get to do the hard work. The Chinese have agreed to be our Coolies and now own a substantial portion of our assets. This is the affect of the disease of easier. We have relegated others into transactional associations with us. This allows us not to care. Wall Street has always been about individual profit at the expense of others. Banks that charge ridiculous interest rates are another. Easier and its close cousin, gluttony are readily evident.

A transactional “relationship” is really just an interaction devoid of relationship. In a corporation we can see it in departments that hate each other. There is a complete lack of respect and understanding of the underlying relationships that is at cause. A great example is the department that all love to hate, the so-called Human Relations Department. Inhuman is more like it. Yet, they are not to blame. It is leadership that is. The buck stops there for a reason. They set the tone; they create the proper behavior models. And remember, most executives nowadays are almost exclusively interested in their “compensation packages.” How they get it, or how it affects the company as a whole, which includes the “underlings,” is not their concern.

I recently spoke on the above topic at an event of mostly business owners and afterwards an attendee came up to me and said, “My wife came to me when the economy went sour and said, ‘we have enough money, do not lay off a single person’.” He said he agreed with her and didn’t let anyone go. This says volumes about his loyalty, his caring for his employees. He will reap the benefits, as will his employees. Yet, in corporate America, we send in “efficiency experts” to slash what is seen as a “bloated” workforce. It is now about getting the work of three from one worker who is terrified of losing a job. The long-term effects will be disastrous. Our industries will continue to produce a declining product, because management and the shareholders want short-term profits. The bloat is mostly at the top. Limiting bonuses and incentives would be a great start, voluntarily would be ideal. The essence of this executive problem is covered in my previous article Failure of Corporate Culture, but it boils down to egocentric greed. These scenarios are all possible because transactional interactions have replaced human relationships.

We have come to the time were we are faced with the choice between what is right and what is easy. Essentially, it’s all about easy money versus correct behavior. Easy money has always held an attraction and in the past forty years it seems the pendulum swung heavily in favor of easy. The effects on our world are quite evident, we’ve shot ourselves in the foot, and nothing is easy anymore. Time to make new choices, earn real rewards, and create real things. Speculation to make a quick buck is parasitic in the long-term. Start building real relationships today.

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Talk on the economy, emotions and relationships. Video not available.

By now everyone has awoken to the fact that we were living under the illusion of “all is right.” IT’S NOT! How can one handle one’s emotions and those of co-workers, friends, lovers, employees, employers, family and the world?

It’s actually relatively simple. No, don’t jump off a bridge. But do jump into the water. The water I speak of is the emotional water, nowadays, that’s looking more like sewage. How do you “jump into the water” without becoming dirty? Communicate, allow your feelings, share them, and let other share with you. What you will find is that – you are not alone. The feelings won’t become reality; they’re just feelings and will dissipate by sharing. Unreleased feelings build a “head of steam” like a pressure cooker that will overpower you. Feelings can be guides, or just reactions like the “fight or fright” reaction. We can choose to respond to them, or acknowledge and release them. But it is necessary that we all share and support one another. This way, while you are in the “water,” nothing will stick, or worse, build-up on you. The act of sharing, communicating your truth creates what could be described as a non-stick coating around you. In fact you just might start freeing yourself from the negativity that surrounds you. The truth will set you free.

To understand what I am saying let me first give you a quick primer on the sexes. Realize that for men admitting to and communicating about emotions is more difficult, as males are shamed by having feelings remotely resembling fear, powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, etc. They are taught to suck-it-up, be a man, the hero, protector, provider for their women, families and country. Otherwise, they will be wimps. In fact, as discussed in depth in my book, Men-The Gods of Love, men are only allowed two emotions. One is anger, needed to be a warrior. The other is sex, which is the substitute for all other needs not allowed in men. This is the model of machismo. Women perspective must change to include this understanding to correctly view men and not judge or resent them for being what they have been taught to be, for women.

Women, who are trained to be emotional, are taught they are not as mentally capable. “Honey, don’t trouble your pretty little self with that, I will take care of it.” This debases a woman’s ability to reason. They also see mental based men, acting in undesirable ways, so they judge reason as wrong. Reason is not wrong, nor are emotions. Both are correct and need to be balanced in both sexes.

Women can help males by allowing men to express feelings in masculine ways. Ask for permission first before discussing emotions, ALWAYS. Don’t just offer suggestions, or try and pull the expressions of emotions out of someone, without permission. It may be more difficult for a wife to get her man to talk. After all, he is trying to protect her. He is also afraid she will abandon him. So, if he stonewalls discussion, allow this, and talk with others about your feelings. Ask others to talk with him discretely. One way that often works is to make it about you and ask him for help to fix it. Then he will not feel threatened of his masculinity and may even feel valued, which he probably isn’t feeling inside, no matter how much you actually value him.

For example, read my book and say, I am confused here, would you help me understand this, could this idea I have seen be true? Let him read it and help you, and him.

Employers, you may think the emotions are no business of yours. Wrong, dead wrong! Why don’t you “buy a Monday morning car?” If someone “gets up on the wrong side of the bed,” why are they cranky? Are they good for business in this state? What about divorce, how does it affect creativity, and overall work performance? Getting the picture now? In today’s environment fear is rampant for good reason! To ignore this is BAD FOR BUSINESS. And it will shape your company and your bottom-line. You must become proficient at handling emotions, being open about what all are feeling. The ones you lay-off and the ones that retain their jobs are both deeply affected.

Recently, there was a large lay-off where the people found out upon arriving that they were laid-off and were not allowed to even say goodbye, have their co-workers do the same, and retrieve their personal possessions till the weekend. This is IN-human relations. This home improvement company thought it was keeping their retained staff from turmoil. What the underlying message they heard was: “we don’t care a lick about any of you and will do the same to you when we decide to. But of course, we will still take ridiculous salaries and bonuses.” And you think this disloyalty won’t backfire? It already has! Even their customers resent this. Businesses have worshiped the god of gluttony. The banks and Wall Street has demonstrated this well. There is no consideration for weak feelings, only how much, by when. Politics is no different. Perhaps we all have become infected with this thinking. It is heartless, short-termed bottom-line results thinking that has led to the demise of this country. Can we save it? Certainly not by doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

It’s time to reinvent us. Become feeling, communicative, reasoning partners. In order for the Phoenix to rise from the ashes of our egocentric greed, the old flying pig must die, that is: be reborn, created anew. I believe we all can wake up as partners to each other and build something wonderful with the power of our hearts, focused by reason.