David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

Reconnecting Life, Business, and Family

What’s missing in life that nobody seem to be able to understand?  The evidence that something’s amiss, abounds in every aspect of life from: economic disaster, relationship disaster, loneliness, addiction, poverty, greed, and a general state of manic depression that seem pervasive.  What is going on, what’s missing, and most importantly, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?

I am going to start with the current business model, but it applies to all aspects of life. What’s missing is the human factor. Specifically, the feeling and emoting part that sets us apart from machines. Yet, the role model of the fearless and hence feeling-less warrior is what we look for in leaders. Driven, egocentric terminators bent on increasing the bottom line. You think I jest? You call the bankers that sold-out their stockholders making loans that shouldn’t have been made, while reaping huge bonuses, or the Wall Street pimps of packaged worthless loans as anything but this idea. How about Madoff, who took fifty billion of people’s money without a lick of concern for them? He’s another clear example. So what is missing in the model that would allow these actions?

How about an ancient story? There once was a man would wanted all the wealth of the world (alright, there were many), but this one received a “wish.” Everything he touched turn to platinum, or was it gold? Let’s use gold. He would send his minions to the bazaar and have worthless trinkets brought to him, and he would package them in such a way that they turned to gold. He did that with everything, a true alchemist. His camel became gold, his minions, his home and everything in it. But the gift kept on giving, not a cash cow, a golden cow. His food and drink became gold as it touched his lips. He started to starve in his opulence, as did all in his household. Then, his daughter whom he loved more than anything saw his misery and ran into his arms to comfort him. Yep, she turned to gold too. But he had his gold that he wished for. Now what was he to do, something was amiss from his wish. He left out something. The human factor, which includes: feelings, caring, concern, partnership, relationship. The only relationship he had was with the bottom-line of how much gold he could “win” in this game of life. After all, “he who dies with the most golden toys, wins,” right?

OK, that this is the current business model should be of no surprise. We see people acting like money making machines-and want to hire or be like them. We forget that they come first in the model and maybe the company is second. The machine is not concerned with anything other than its programmed goal. Forget about the cogs in the wheel, the employees, stockholders, customers, and the general public. Politicians and the political parties do the same, so do street gangs. And to some degree, so do most of us. Egocentric thinking is not the exclusive domain of the wealthy, they just exploit it better. And we are all left starving. If this is the “end of days,” God needs do nothing, we do it to ourselves.

Can you imagine an alternative way of being where in the corporate boardrooms the concern for everyone and thing (environment) was always part of the process? Not the only part of the boardroom talk, but a part. Can you imagine boardroom talk about the emotional impact on everyone, even the effects of the economy on their employee’s relationships, and how they could help?

“I have a dream.” That all men and women can come together, communicate their true feelings, care and support each other, while creating a much great level of success then ever dreamed of in every type of relationships. Some will think I am crazy. What do you think?

By now everyone has awoken to the fact that we were living under the illusion of “all is right.” IT’S NOT! How can one handle one’s emotions and those of co-workers, friends, lovers, employees, employers, family and the world?

It’s actually relatively simple. No, don’t jump off a bridge. But do jump into the water. The water I speak of is the emotional water, nowadays, that’s looking more like sewage. How do you “jump into the water” without becoming dirty? Communicate, allow your feelings, share them, and let other share with you. What you will find is that – you are not alone. The feelings won’t become reality; they’re just feelings and will dissipate by sharing. Unreleased feelings build a “head of steam” like a pressure cooker that will overpower you. Feelings can be guides, or just reactions like the “fight or fright” reaction. We can choose to respond to them, or acknowledge and release them. But it is necessary that we all share and support one another. This way, while you are in the “water,” nothing will stick, or worse, build-up on you. The act of sharing, communicating your truth creates what could be described as a non-stick coating around you. In fact you just might start freeing yourself from the negativity that surrounds you. The truth will set you free.

To understand what I am saying let me first give you a quick primer on the sexes. Realize that for men admitting to and communicating about emotions is more difficult, as males are shamed by having feelings remotely resembling fear, powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, etc. They are taught to suck-it-up, be a man, the hero, protector, provider for their women, families and country. Otherwise, they will be wimps. In fact, as discussed in depth in my book, Men-The Gods of Love, men are only allowed two emotions. One is anger, needed to be a warrior. The other is sex, which is the substitute for all other needs not allowed in men. This is the model of machismo. Women perspective must change to include this understanding to correctly view men and not judge or resent them for being what they have been taught to be, for women.

Women, who are trained to be emotional, are taught they are not as mentally capable. “Honey, don’t trouble your pretty little self with that, I will take care of it.” This debases a woman’s ability to reason. They also see mental based men, acting in undesirable ways, so they judge reason as wrong. Reason is not wrong, nor are emotions. Both are correct and need to be balanced in both sexes.

Women can help males by allowing men to express feelings in masculine ways. Ask for permission first before discussing emotions, ALWAYS. Don’t just offer suggestions, or try and pull the expressions of emotions out of someone, without permission. It may be more difficult for a wife to get her man to talk. After all, he is trying to protect her. He is also afraid she will abandon him. So, if he stonewalls discussion, allow this, and talk with others about your feelings. Ask others to talk with him discretely. One way that often works is to make it about you and ask him for help to fix it. Then he will not feel threatened of his masculinity and may even feel valued, which he probably isn’t feeling inside, no matter how much you actually value him.

For example, read my book and say, I am confused here, would you help me understand this, could this idea I have seen be true? Let him read it and help you, and him.

Employers, you may think the emotions are no business of yours. Wrong, dead wrong! Why don’t you “buy a Monday morning car?” If someone “gets up on the wrong side of the bed,” why are they cranky? Are they good for business in this state? What about divorce, how does it affect creativity, and overall work performance? Getting the picture now? In today’s environment fear is rampant for good reason! To ignore this is BAD FOR BUSINESS. And it will shape your company and your bottom-line. You must become proficient at handling emotions, being open about what all are feeling. The ones you lay-off and the ones that retain their jobs are both deeply affected.

Recently, there was a large lay-off where the people found out upon arriving that they were laid-off and were not allowed to even say goodbye, have their co-workers do the same, and retrieve their personal possessions till the weekend. This is IN-human relations. This home improvement company thought it was keeping their retained staff from turmoil. What the underlying message they heard was: “we don’t care a lick about any of you and will do the same to you when we decide to. But of course, we will still take ridiculous salaries and bonuses.” And you think this disloyalty won’t backfire? It already has! Even their customers resent this. Businesses have worshiped the god of gluttony. The banks and Wall Street has demonstrated this well. There is no consideration for weak feelings, only how much, by when. Politics is no different. Perhaps we all have become infected with this thinking. It is heartless, short-termed bottom-line results thinking that has led to the demise of this country. Can we save it? Certainly not by doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

It’s time to reinvent us. Become feeling, communicative, reasoning partners. In order for the Phoenix to rise from the ashes of our egocentric greed, the old flying pig must die, that is: be reborn, created anew. I believe we all can wake up as partners to each other and build something wonderful with the power of our hearts, focused by reason.

Trey Yeatts, Host

Dr. Eigen discusses how men and women handle unemployment differently.

Listen: wrva-1-30-09

Geoff Pinkus, Host

Dr. Eigen discusses how men and women handle unemployment differently.

Listen: wind-1-29-09

Aaron Imholte, Host

Dr. Eigen discusses how men and women handle unemployment differently.

Listen: KLFD-1-29-09

How men and women handle emotions differently in these troubled times.

Listen: rusty-humphries-1-9-09

Dr. Eigen is featured in an article on international cuisine and what it says about you.

The Stuart Sunrise Rotary Club meets at The Monarch Country Club.
Relationships and Emotions in a downturn.

View talk in three parts:

Talk on Relationship and emotions in a downturn

December 9th 12:00 – 1:30PM

View Talk:  Part I, Part II, Part III

These are difficult and uncertain times for all. Stress is a typical byproduct of change in normal situations. Our times are anything but “normal,” so the possibility for and intensity of stress is dramatically increased. How does this affect relationships? That will depend on the parties involved, but obviously it has the potential to be disastrous.

So how do we handle these trying predicaments to create and encourage deeper connection? How do we support relationships that are hurting, stressed-out, in danger of failing apart? We need to go back to basics, relationship 101, that most skipped, or slept through, or were secretly afraid of.

Let’s refresh these principals. The basics are openness, communication, honestly, and love. Love is the foundation naturally, but love alone is not nearly enough. “How do I love thee, let me count the ways,” is great as the foundation for connection, but it is ego-centric, being about “how I feel,” not the give-and-take, the dance of relationship. When I was young I used to dance freestyle, now I only partner dance (ballroom). You may ask what this has to do with relationships; an understandable question. The answer is—a relationship is a partner dance. When I was young I didn’t know how to dance with a partner, so I “freestyle” danced. I had “one-night stands” too. They were distracting, fun, but ultimately unfulfilling. I did not want to commit to a relationship as truth be told, I was afraid and didn’t understand how. Men are accused by women of fearing commitment. That’s because men are not as indoctrinated as women in the relationship models represented in fairytales. Women seem to know exactly what it takes and if men would only play-out their assigned roles as princes, all would be good—or so the princesses think. From the success rates around us, men and women rightfully fear entering something they don’t know how to do. I had no real understanding what a relationship inherently took to make it work. I have a better understanding now. Allow me to share what I have experienced and learned.

First, stop freestyling. That is the secret. You will have to learn how to partner dance. You will need to let go of the ego-centric illusions of me-me-me, and move into—us. Not us as it serves me, but us as we serve each other.

What does it take? Communication is primary, but communicate what? Most communicate what they want, desire, and are not getting enough of. Being in service to each other is not usually included and may never have been. And also mutual attempts to serve may have been missed by the other party. Communication would help both understand these attempts. Now, here is the big one, especially in our times, we must communicate all that we feel like: our fears, uncertainties; as well as thoughts like: how are we going to make it, I feel like a failure, and am angry at the world for wrongs it has done to me, etc. This is more difficult for men, who have been taught to “suck it up,” be a man, don’t show your fears, or you will be judged as weak, inferior and undesirable (unlovable). Women need to understand this and be open to helping a willing man to access these feeling. If he is not willing, is hunkered down in his bunker, you will need gobs of understanding and patience. Trying times will make it more difficult for him to face his fear of being a failure, as he as a man is supposed to be the strong one for his woman. He fears he will let her down by admitting his fear. He also fears she will look for a stronger rock, better provider. This is not an impossible scenario, is it? Now you can better understand his fear, feelings of vulnerability, and lack of communications. This does not excuse it, only shines the light of understanding on the actions of men that many women have expressed objection to. Read MEN-THE GODS OF LOVE FOR MORE.

Importantly, the secret to communicating that most don’t understand, more so men, is that by honestly sharing these deepest darkest emotions, they don’t become true, they actually lose their charge, becoming easier to bear. This is because emotions that are held in, repressed, are negatively energized by the act of repression. Releasing them releases the charge. Then life can be dealt with more easily.

OK, so now let’s get back to today. Many are losing or have lost jobs, homes, retirements, savings, etc. The word depression looms in our minds, yet is treated like the pink elephant that no one wants to talk about. I know, I feel it too. So what do we do? We communicate and support each other no matter what economic hurricane hits. It too will pass. We acknowledge with gratitude our divine spirits that enables us to connect. We must tend this like a gardener, with the fertilizer of love, truth and communication. We don’t give up on us, even if we have to give up on certain material things. We continue to love, grow, and evolve even in adversity with mutual support. We seek new pathways of creation, new ways of doing things, while we acknowledge how we blindly choose to be led astray. Out of the fires the phoenix WILL BE REBORN. This I promise. Feel it inside, you know it too. Blessing to us all as we walk the hot coals.