David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

See highlighted cite in article by Jessie Washington

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These are difficult and uncertain times for all. Stress is a typical byproduct of change in normal situations. Our times are anything but “normal,” so the possibility for and intensity of stress is dramatically increased. How does this affect relationships? That will depend on the parties involved, but obviously it has the potential to be disastrous.

So how do we handle these trying predicaments to create and encourage deeper connection? How do we support relationships that are hurting, stressed-out, in danger of failing apart? We need to go back to basics, relationship 101, that most skipped, or slept through, or were secretly afraid of.

Let’s refresh these principals. The basics are openness, communication, honestly, and love. Love is the foundation naturally, but love alone is not nearly enough. “How do I love thee, let me count the ways,” is great as the foundation for connection, but it is ego-centric, being about “how I feel,” not the give-and-take, the dance of relationship. When I was young I used to dance freestyle, now I only partner dance (ballroom). You may ask what this has to do with relationships; an understandable question. The answer is—a relationship is a partner dance. When I was young I didn’t know how to dance with a partner, so I “freestyle” danced. I had “one-night stands” too. They were distracting, fun, but ultimately unfulfilling. I did not want to commit to a relationship as truth be told, I was afraid and didn’t understand how. Men are accused by women of fearing commitment. That’s because men are not as indoctrinated as women in the relationship models represented in fairytales. Women seem to know exactly what it takes and if men would only play-out their assigned roles as princes, all would be good—or so the princesses think. From the success rates around us, men and women rightfully fear entering something they don’t know how to do. I had no real understanding what a relationship inherently took to make it work. I have a better understanding now. Allow me to share what I have experienced and learned.

First, stop freestyling. That is the secret. You will have to learn how to partner dance. You will need to let go of the ego-centric illusions of me-me-me, and move into—us. Not us as it serves me, but us as we serve each other.

What does it take? Communication is primary, but communicate what? Most communicate what they want, desire, and are not getting enough of. Being in service to each other is not usually included and may never have been. And also mutual attempts to serve may have been missed by the other party. Communication would help both understand these attempts. Now, here is the big one, especially in our times, we must communicate all that we feel like: our fears, uncertainties; as well as thoughts like: how are we going to make it, I feel like a failure, and am angry at the world for wrongs it has done to me, etc. This is more difficult for men, who have been taught to “suck it up,” be a man, don’t show your fears, or you will be judged as weak, inferior and undesirable (unlovable). Women need to understand this and be open to helping a willing man to access these feeling. If he is not willing, is hunkered down in his bunker, you will need gobs of understanding and patience. Trying times will make it more difficult for him to face his fear of being a failure, as he as a man is supposed to be the strong one for his woman. He fears he will let her down by admitting his fear. He also fears she will look for a stronger rock, better provider. This is not an impossible scenario, is it? Now you can better understand his fear, feelings of vulnerability, and lack of communications. This does not excuse it, only shines the light of understanding on the actions of men that many women have expressed objection to. Read MEN-THE GODS OF LOVE FOR MORE.

Importantly, the secret to communicating that most don’t understand, more so men, is that by honestly sharing these deepest darkest emotions, they don’t become true, they actually lose their charge, becoming easier to bear. This is because emotions that are held in, repressed, are negatively energized by the act of repression. Releasing them releases the charge. Then life can be dealt with more easily.

OK, so now let’s get back to today. Many are losing or have lost jobs, homes, retirements, savings, etc. The word depression looms in our minds, yet is treated like the pink elephant that no one wants to talk about. I know, I feel it too. So what do we do? We communicate and support each other no matter what economic hurricane hits. It too will pass. We acknowledge with gratitude our divine spirits that enables us to connect. We must tend this like a gardener, with the fertilizer of love, truth and communication. We don’t give up on us, even if we have to give up on certain material things. We continue to love, grow, and evolve even in adversity with mutual support. We seek new pathways of creation, new ways of doing things, while we acknowledge how we blindly choose to be led astray. Out of the fires the phoenix WILL BE REBORN. This I promise. Feel it inside, you know it too. Blessing to us all as we walk the hot coals.

Women naturally exercise control in a feminine manner, rather than in a masculine one. First, it must be pretty. Secondly, it mustn’t visibly rock-the-boat. The “boat” being the fairytale-like illusions of life constructed to handle (control) life’s experiences. So the boat that shouldn’t be rocked is really more like a lifeboat then an ocean liner. Here lies the problem; most belief they are secure in their berths in an ocean liner they control, going to fascinating ports-of-call…

The reality is they are afloat in a sea that takes them, hither and thither, as the winds of fortune and the tides dictate. They control nothing, while waiting to be rescued. This latter perception is uncomfortable, hence the need for the alternative. How does this get created?

People sometimes run from the very thing they want the most, like Love. Why, because it is the most vulnerable place. Love is humankind’s greatest fear.

Think about these choices, but choose one.
Choice one: you get your jaw broken.
Choice two: you get your heart broken.

Your jaw will heal in six weeks, over and done. However, heartbreak takes much longer to heal, and will never be forgotten. If you have never let anyone near enough, never had your heartbroken, then you may not understand this. However, your walls may mean you inherently fear love.

The pain of love’s loss is difficult to bear. Yet, most thing they are searching for it. Many choose alternatives like: living in loneliness, or in empty bartered-for relationships, rather than face such heartfelt pain. Naturally, these alternatives were created to insulate from being hurt. Women teach each other “the easiest way to get over a man is with another man.” If only it worked…but it doesn’t in the long run. Men also have their version of this. If you fear something you desire, than part of you will be pushing away at it while the other pulls it toward you. Push pull cycles will appear in your life. It is the flower that as we pull the pedals we say, now he loves me, now he doesn’t. But is it you vacillating beliefs that cause this situation, or his true feelings? Or both, and is he vacillating because of you, or his past? Complicated isn’t it?

Now, what does all this have to do with lifeboats and ocean liners? Perhaps you have constructed the illusion of an ocean liner; full of many of the things money could buy. You can buy (control) reality. Life is then acceptable and you feel secure. The boat doesn’t rock. But what are you distracting yourself from? From feeling like your in a lifeboat – with no control, helpless? Perhaps a lifeboat created during youthful traumas or other heartbreaks? It is natural to want to escape bad situations. When we are physically unable, very often we create the escape within. We disassociate from unpleasant reality. This is a common psychological notion.

What the above illustrates from a feminine viewpoint is controlling through illusion. We cast a spell cast over ourselves. And while women are no strangers to casting spells over men, they usually don’t see the ones they cast over themselves. Men are no different here, though they have their masculine versions. Neither allows one to live in the present moment. Reality becomes custom tailored. The tapestries of our lives are hand-sewn. They are made-up of our perceptions of life’s events, which we weave into our personal stories-and then believe them!

There is only one way out of these traps we have stitched together piece by piece. Be willing to face the disagreeable parts. Remove the stitching, discard the fabric of illusion we veiled ourselves in, and find the truth of who we are, not what we have been taught to be. You will need to practice forgiveness and heal.

So, are we all really in lifeboats? No, those are illusions too. Then what is real? Read Men-The Gods of Love, and when completed Women-The Gods of Wisdom, which contain important wisdom for both genders. The short answer-only love is real, the rest is illusion.

Love doesn’t have to be scary or hurtful. It will require laying aside ideas about knights-in-shining-armor, for the sake of a real love-filled life. All there is are men to be what they are being taught as what a man should be and trying to find love, most without a clue; and women who believe in lovely fairytales as they have been taught, without a clue either. Both are acting-out their parts, find them shallow and continue acting anyway. They know not what they do. Women must find their wisdom, men their hearts. From this point we create heaven, here and now.

To be, or not to be (married) – that my dear Shakespeare is the real question. Why are so many more men not taking the “plunge?” U.S. population figures from 1980 to the present indicate that the percentage of men in their forties who have never been married has nearly tripled to seventeen-percent of all men. Why is this happening? Are they afraid of women? Are they afraid to commit? Do they not like women?

Divorce, a rare thing prior to the sixties is now all too common. Statistics reveal that over fifty-percent of all marriages end in divorce. This is common knowledge and an alarming trend.

The sacred institution of marriage is clearly under attack from within. Let’s look at what is different from a man’s perspective. The answer men have given will surprise you.

1. Men don’t like failing, and the odds of success are not in their favor, are they?
2. Divorce is unquestionably an ugly thing for all. It is first and foremost painful. No one intentionally puts themselves in harms way without some trepidation. Add to that fact, men through training have shut down their emotions to one degree or another. So dealing with painful emotions felt during a divorce is more of an unpleasant prospect for a man than a woman. The average man would rather avoid pain at any cost, because he’s been trained not to know how to deal with it. He is looking at the prospect of a painful failure that one out of two WILL go through. The attraction of marriage pails with this awareness, doesn’t it?
3. Men believe they will usually loose in divorce. Certainly not always, but usually. One of the things they most often loose is their children. It shouldn’t surprise you to know that men on the whole do care about their children, especially considering the trend toward allowing men to feel. This is very painful, and even if you work out seeing them a lot, you don’t get to do this like you did. This will feel like the loss it is. All men have seen others go through this, and this does not encourage you to open yourself to the same. Also, losing is not allowed for a “real” man, it’s shameful, and therefore not allowed.
4. The almighty buck also comes into play in men’s decisions. If they don’t have enough, men believe they will have nothing to offer. This reflects poorly on women as it says that they only are interested in a man’s money, not him (see earlier blog: The Barter System). Men in this position will shy away from relationship. I have had women tell me that “a girl must look out for herself,” meaning choose a man that will support them in the manner they wish to be supported. Understandable, but not as THE basis for relationship. This is off-putting to men.
5. The other extreme is a man with a boatload of money. They fear relationship with women who pretend to love them, but only want the lifestyle they can provide. Both understand the barter system, but he knows he can never trust her. Men also fear their wealth being greatly diminished in a divorce. This scenarios is anything but uncommon.
6. Many men see women as having become more masculine in attitude, loosing their femininity. This is not appealing, nor conducive to taking the “plunge.” At the same time women are more overtly sexual, like men, and are loosing what is the most important aspect of sex, intimacy. The very thing men are trying to learn and are hoping women will teach them. It would be unfair to blame women for men’s lack. They must learn this themselves. Women can and should encourage this. Women learn how to manipulate men with their sexuality to get what they want, but men know they are being manipulated and resent this. The women’s movement that rightly argued for equality, also wrongly treated the feminine as weak and wrong. It has damaged femininity in the process of calling for equality.
7. Some men are not marrying because they don’t have too. You can have intimate relationships, in fact with many women and not be married. The old admonition that prevented this told women, “Why should he buy the cow if he gets the milk free?” Either side of this argument is disastrous for relationship. Women are not possessions to be bought, like a cow, and since men are not aware enough yet, they can’t see the truth in not having indiscriminate sex. In fact they are taught this is a good thing. Add to this men’s fear and it makes sense not to marry.

So, it is with great fear and a distorted view that men now view marriage. This isn’t to say they don’t want a partner where there is mutual love and adoration, only that they are not sure how to create this, or sustain it if they do. Men don’t trust women or even their own abilities to choose a good partner. They know they can be manipulated all too easily. And while judging all women as untrustworthy is unfair, it is not without merit in enough cases to scare men. The unfortunate part of all this is that it these leaves men masturbating, instead of making love, having short affairs from a safe distance, or taking some comfort in paid-for arms. Surely there is no wisdom in this scenario.

Why do wives of powerful men stand by their men when they stray? This is a question raised by many after the debacles of NY Governor Elliot Spitzer, NJ Governor James McGreevy, President Bill Clinton, Senators, sports figures and others. All have wives that stood by them during their scandals. Most have since remained with their men. Why? The following is an outline of many possibilities. Any combination of these items could be at play with these wives. Here is the short list of possibilities:
1. Fear of loosing their lifestyle, they are bought and paid for, so to speak. Show me the money, honey. I think this is the primary reason. Political wife’s have often bought into the lifestyle and don’t want to loose it.
2. Deep abiding love and feelings of loyalty to their partners.
3. They hope their marriage will get better.
4. They fear being alone, or fear they cannot take care of themselves.
5. Commitment/Comfortable/habitual/enmeshed/connected/obligation – for better or worse.
6. They stay for the children/family unit.
7. They’re needed now; their position is elevated. They live with a person whose shadow is so large they felt insignificant. Now they are needed and important, so they feel elevated by their spouse’s problems.
8. They are simply afraid of change.
9. Leaving would be inconvenient/now would be bad timing.
10. Quilt is another often overlooked factor. These wives know they have not been the wives their husbands needed. Perhaps they withheld affection, or were too busy with their own separate lives. They may feel culpable in driving their husbands to find satisfaction elsewhere.