David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

Conversation on women’s changing roles as bigger bread winners and changing gender roles.

Listen: WBNW 1-20-10

RI# 210

Understand men, relationships, using Men – The Gods of Love as a benchmark to these understandings.

Listen: KFWB part 1 – 1-15-10
KFWB part 2 – 1-15-10

RI# 208

Discussion on Dr. Eigen’s books and holiday stress.  The host is Mike Schikman

RI #159

Why do men cheat? This is not to say women don’t, but why do men do it? Can it be prevented?

First, here are a number of possibilities why:
1. ADDICTION. As I have said in my book Men – The Gods of Love, sex has been taught men as a replacement for all the disallowed emotions. “Big boys don’t cry”, and are shamed if they do, or if they express any sort of feelings perceived as weak. Yet, all men have all feelings, so sex becomes the surrogate for everything they need, including a simple hug and encouragement. Understanding this explains why sex is so important for men and becomes an addiction for many men. Addictions are simply any behavior that replaces or distracts one from feeling any feeling. So even if the partner is perfect, if he can’t feel and express his feelings, he cannot accept in the love and will never feel fulfilled. Then he will look to fill his inner emptiness with outer fulfillment, read that SEX. Of course, this won’t work, so he will try harder, with different partners. He is doomed to fail, as any addiction will ultimately fail. This is the essence of the addiction.
2. Opportunity. There is a saying “men are only as faithful as their options.” Men don’t get offered sex as often as women, so when the opportunity does arise, it can be very difficult for them to turn it down. This does not excuse their lack of courage and integrity. Men can just simply say, “no thank you.” Also, what sort of woman would sleep with a man in relationship? Do you really want this in your life? She will do it again.
3. Ego boost. If men no longer feel attractive to the opposite sex and a woman shows interest in them, they may allow her to stroke his ego and more. There is a thrill in being chased and it means one is desirable. This swells the egos often expressed sexually. It also may be a way to attempt to gain back any lost vitality and youth. Like a drug any “gains” dissipate rapidly. (See #1)
4. Grown apart. Maybe the two of you didn’t have as much in common as you thought. He’s met a woman who has more in common with him, whether it is football, golf, or is just more fun and is seemingly interested in him, not the role as partner he plays. This too is an illusion for both. Compatibly under the sheets comes into play here too. But underlying all this is their connection has been shown to be more act than fact. Their roles are no longer fulfilling for either.
5. You argue a lot. Men will sometimes cheat to get away from an overly critical or argumentative partner. Who wants to be around someone who is constantly bitching about something? Especially when there is an appreciative partner in the wings. Why are you bitching anyway? Find ways to create what is needed. Bitching just sucks the energy from a man. He is being shamed as not doing it right, again. Does this sound positive or conducive to relationship building to you?
6. Fallen out of love. Sometimes, people become comfortable in an unfulfilling relationship. They don’t know how to get out of it and don’t want to leave their “comfort zone.” They may stay in the relationship because of children or financial reasons; or simply because they said they would, keeping their word. These men still feel like they are missing out on something, some exciting feeling, love perhaps, and they seek it elsewhere. In their minds, this is as close to win-win as they can get. They are keeping their word – partially, while getting what they think they need.
7. Your sex life has died. If a man has a disinterested partner or isn’t getting enough sex to fulfill him, there is a good chance he will have an affair. Just because you got him, does not mean you stop giving to him. It takes an effort to keep your sex life from becoming boring, or non-existent. Yet, this is not uncommon. Both partners need to be open and communicate about this.
8. Exploration. Some men cheat because they want to try new sexual things that their current partner will not try. This is trying to fill a void with something that will never fill it. Also, trying new things is not wrong, but not honorable if outside of a committed relationship. Men, if you are not honorable, you’ll feel it deep inside, like it or not, and it WILL affect your self-esteem. As a result, any goodness you experience will be rejected on the inside, because you feel dirty about how you got it. You then may try to experiment more to fill that void and this only lower your self-esteem further. It’s a viscous cycle (See #1). Always keep your word. If its not working, say so, take honorable action to correct what isn’t. Then, if this fails, end it and move on cleanly.
9. Revenge. Men and women sometimes cheat if they find out their partners were cheating on them, or are withholding from them. How else are they supposed to heal those hurt feelings, but through good old-fashioned sex? Of course, this heals nothing, but at least explains their “logic.”
10. New, different and exciting. Some men get tired of having steak for dinner every night and want to try tuna. The same goes for sex with a woman. That’s why men don’t necessarily cheat with women who are more attractive than their partners, just different. This newness is exciting and he may feel his vitality is supported in this way. This is symptomatic of a dull but comfortable relationship or sex addiction. Both partners need to take action to find out what’s missing. Communication is key here.
11. Rebellion against authoritative rules. If a man has a rebellious attitude, he may cheat to see if he can get away with it, while thinking “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He enjoys the thrill of “forbidden fruit” (See #1) and feels a taste of something different is a good thing. If his relationship is satisfying, then he needs to work on what he has come to believe that makes cheating OK, it’s not. Otherwise, he will never feel it’s enough. He must deal with his issues and blocks.
12. Enabling. If you have forgiven a cheating man a couple of times, they are more than likely going to cheat again, because you’ve communicated that cheating is OK. If it’s not, then take appropriate action, and if forgiveness is in the cards, remember, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Trust but verify. If you can’t trust him, then don’t think the leopard will change his spots. For some, like many political or trophy wives, this is a part of the bargain. If it’s not working renegotiate you bargain. Try a real relationship.

Preventing cheating is usually a lot easier than most imagine. But it takes work to know a man. Most women are shocked when they find out their man has cheated. I have spoken with many and when I asked them about their man and his needs, it came down to they didn’t know – and weren’t looking. It was all about them and the fairytale they viewed how their life was supposed to be. This does not make what he did right, but sheds new light on why he continues, and what role she played in creating his wandering urges. He felt ignored, unseen. His needs, his soul went unacknowledged. He was a bit part player in her play. His commitment became a casualty of the play. Neither knew how to be in relationship. If you find yourself in this situation, time to wake up, work with a therapist, join a group that deals with relationships, and absolutely get my books.

A well-loved man won’t stray, why would he? So find out what’s missing in you, your relationship and him. Then talk about it. If he won’t, it may be time to move on, but tell him this is the only option you see left, ask him again to communicate with you because you love him and want to keep the relationship. Maybe you will get him to talk. But remember, you can lead a horse to water…

The Bev Smith Show

Why Do These Horrific Shootings Continue?
What disconnects men from their feels, thereby enabling them to commit horrific acts?
What can be done to stop this? How can we help men to reconnect?

Listen (Sorry this recording has noise): bev-smith-8-12-09

RI#149

See highlighted cite in article by Jessie Washington

Read: holocaust-museum-shooting1

It was recently pointed out to me that all of the Wall Street people in the news, the bankers of failing banks, the AIG greed mongers, were not only wrong, but male. This was applied in general to men in government that thought that business would behave as good citizens and balance out business and social needs for the good of all. That some of the whistle blowers were reportedly women was also mentioned. The speaker’s conclusion was that it was testosterone that was behind it all.

Two Cambridge University researchers John Coates and Jim Herbert have written about irrational market trading with too much testosterone. They “have found that market fluctuations affect — and may be affected by — hormones associated with stress, sexual development and aggression. High levels of testosterone in the morning predicted higher profits that day. If people want to get practical, it would be good for both banks and the financial system as a whole if we had more women and older men in the markets. The findings could dramatically rewrite the way economists model human behavior when it comes to financial decisions. If there’s a biological element to financial life, we have to start building different kinds of models and thinking about policy in a different way. It’s proof to me we’re dealing with a biological organism rather than a computer.”

I once worked with a transgendered person, male to female, who said he/she had figured out the problems of the world, and that it was testosterone. His/her way of dealing with it was to excise the demon by having “it cut off.”

OK, so following all the above “logic,” the solution to the world’s problems might be the castrating of all males. Ah-hmmm! Clearing my throat, I have a different idea to offer, one based on my understanding of the male that I clearly outlined in my book, Men-The Gods of Love.

First, allow me to make an analogy, a poor one at that. Guns are inanimate objects and they don’t do anything including kill people in and of themselves. It takes people to kill people using a gun. This is indisputable. The same is true of knifes, bows and arrows, spears, sticks and stones, and bare hands. Used to hunt, defend and protect they have positive uses. Used by people, who are admittedly mostly men, they can also be used for less than desirable purposes.

Now, let’s look at testosterone. It wasn’t forged by man like a gun, it isn’t a tool, it is a hormone created in perfection by God, the universal intelligence, or whatever you prefer to call the force behind the creation of all things. That makes it sacred.

Alright then you may think, if testosterone is so perfect and sacred, what the hell are all these men doing and why? Excellent questions!

It all starts for men with the prohibition “big boys don’t cry,” and continues throughout life where men are taught the patriarchal dictates that prohibit feelings (accept for anger). Don’t cry, show your scared, or feeling alone, hurt, or powerless; suck it up, be a man (of the unfeeling macho type). This is men’s training worldwide. This disconnects men from their feelings, creating a dissociative state in them. Men are told it is wrong, weak, and shameful to have human feelings. It messes men up severely, handicapping them. They are trying to be “men” for their women and this training teaches them to repress the very feelings that are the underpinning of love and relationship. These denied feelings are also what create in men their inspirational creative abilities. Feelings are also a part of conscience. Repressed, men’s feelings explode out as rage and the repression limits their ability to empathize, be compassionate and considerate. So, it is the testosterone driven force in men, or a gun for that matter, when used without feelings and conscience, that is the cause of such unwanted behaviors. And it clearly leads to disastrous consequences. The above researchers draw a conclusion that we are working with a “biological organism, not a computer.” No, we are dealing with human souls twisted by mentalist dictates.

Feelings have been excised in men and this is what fails to direct and guide the driving force in men. It is not men in the previously mentioned cases, but how they have been brought up, trained to be, that is at cause. It is time to allow men to express feeling in a masculine way. This is not as easy as you might think. Men have for eons been taught feelings are shameful, so how should they express them, like women do? On the whole I would say no, men need to learn how to do this in a masculine way, which does not feminize them. Communications, admitting these feeling to themselves, peers and women are crucial elements.

Step by step men can be guided, or ridiculed as wrong, bad, beasts. Blaming it on testosterone is male-bashing and castrating. If you don’t understand men, then look within them and read my book before you do anything else. Women are not innocent, but they think they are. Passive acceptance of inappropriate behaviors, while receiving their benefits makes women just as culpable. Just ask Mrs. Madoff. She’s not suffering and the thief is protecting her. Here is where change must start. All must recognize their participation in this dynamic and communicate it, create a dialog. Then we must allow change to happen, not by passively wishing it so, but by being an active participant of it.

Emotions are a crucial part of humanness; the gluttonous behaviors mentioned at the beginning of this article are clearly linked to a lack of conscience, empathy, and compassion. It is a completely mental and egocentric strategy at work. It is easy to blame specific things like hormones, or guns. But it’s men’s conditioning that is the root cause. Just like this training diminishes women preventing them from being their true heritage, which is the title of my forthcoming second book, Women-The Gods of Wisdom.

Our present meltdown will be a creative restructuring force and from its ashes the Phoenix will rise. What do you choose that Phoenix to look like? What are you willing to change within yourself to create this? Men must rise up out of their mental stupors, their constructed realities that say “he who dies with the most toys wins,” or it’s “all about the bottom line.” They must not accept the belief that consequential damages are just a consequence of life and therefore OK. They must become the dynamic and feeling beings they are. Women must rise up out of their stupor, their fairytale of emotions and other illusions, their constructs, and become the embodiment of wisdom needed to guide this world. Teach us all how to bring the wisdom of spirit, into matter.

Stand up and be counted. The stakes are nothing less than the world.

WBZW / WDSY / WZPT. On three CBS affiliates in Pittsburgh, PA. The topic is how men and women react differently to the economic stress.

To be aired Sunday, 3/15/09 at 6:20AM

WDSY – 107.9 FM (Y108) – www.y108.com
WZPT – 100.7 FM (Star 100.7) – www.starpittsburgh.com
WBZW – 93.7 FM (B94) – www.b94.com

Copy/paste this Link to podcast page to listen http://y108.com/pages/2557020.php

KNST in Tuscon, AZ. The topic is NAMBLA taking a murder contract out on New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo.

Listen: knst-3-10-09

Cite in article on sex addiction:

Films on porn & Sex addiction are now in pop culture’s mainstream

BY LEWIS BEALE

Saturday, September 20th 2008

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