David G. Eigen, Ph.D. ™

It has almost become expected, “who will be the next cheating male celebrity-politician-sports star-media talent to be exposed?” Without question the cheaters broke their vows and this is unacceptable, especially for our “role models.”

However, I find it funny, that the women they cheated with, even when they show themselves to be clearly calculating, gold-digging, heartless whores are mostly overlooked. Oh sorry, that’s right, we do want to see what they look like, but who they are as humans, and what part they played is unimportant. We squawk about them if the wives are prettier, “How could he when he has such a pretty wife?” Now, that is worth talking about! But the fact that she is a totally unrepentant home-wrecker goes unsaid, as if it is expected of women. And it is. Maybe it is because women are innocent, childlike, and cannot be held responsible? Or are all these women just innocent victims seduced by the evil male sex fiends? We all know it is always the man’s fault and they are all sex fiends. Or is it just that a woman is not responsible for her actions, being after all, chaotic emotionality, which they cannot control, so we just don’t expect them to?

In the not too distant past women were treated like children, or worse, property. I believe this set the tone for modern day women in establishing the very behaviors I’ve mentioned above. Underlying all these obviously ignored actions the mistresses played-out in these now public affairs is an assumption that all women are just this way.

This is demeaning to women, and becomes their self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, the men were wrong, but so were the women participants. And in most cases, the women were at least as culpable. Many of these women threw themselves at the men knowing they were married. Yes, the men can and should say no. But let’s face it, the men, especially those on the road, are lonely, are told by their training as men they should want sex at every opportunity, and are easily enticed. In a perfect world they would just say no. That didn’t work for drugs and the present prospects for it working for men are not too promising. This may change in the future, but for now, we better work with what we have, men who are taught that their sexuality is a measure of their masculinity and who have become addicted to sex. And women know how easily men are manipulated by stroking their macho egos and other places.

OK, my point is stop making men responsible for all wrongs, and let the women step-up and share responsibility for what didn’t work. Understanding why all parties do what they do is critical. Otherwise, we will never get away from finger pointing. In one of my blog articles Why Men Leave their Children a reader commented on how her husband left the country for work for one year, but two and a half years later has not returned. She didn’t mention why she didn’t go with him, but had a lot to say as to what a bastard he was.

Here is my response to her that I felt pertinent enough to print here:

First, I feel your rage and your pain. I can relate fully. We humans do unbelievable things to each other, and blind ourselves to the consequences. That is no excuse for the blindness, just an understanding. What’s the use of understanding? We can use it to see the why. How could they do what they do? We can use it to look deeper into the other person, and perhaps explore how they’ve “become trapped in a past that doesn’t let them choose” (Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You). YES, I hear you shouting in reply, “Horse… they can choose.” My dear Kim, we live in a world trapped by its own perceptions and deceits. To the world, there are no choices. And you’re right these are illusions, but powerful ones. The only choice for you is to understand this, stand in your truth, and stand firm that others should also. But without the understanding, you will never be able to create the change you so deeply desire, nor to inspire others to have the courage to change what so deeply needs changing. Demands and blame just shut others down. Been there, done that. One last thing, what are you or were you pretending not to know because you wanted to believe? Been there, done that too, don’t like it. Sounds like your husband found someone else and is guilty about it. Your understandable demand for him to return just makes him feel guiltier and he withdraws further. This is painful I know. I can’t lessen that for you. I doubt he went away planning on finding someone else, but he did. Time to let go and move on. If you ram down his throat “I thought you were a G-d damn loving father,” which says he is a liar, bad father and husband, all that will happen is you will drive him away further from his daughters out of your anger. Also, why did you not move with him on his job relocation? He was left alone for a year and you are surprised someone else wanted him?

This may seem harsh, please don’t take it personally. Look past any reaction you may have to see if there is truth contained herein. You may know that my second book, Women-The Gods of Wisdom is nearing completion. From its title you can see what I think is women’s heritage, not who they are being. This is exactly the case for men in my first book, Men-The Gods of Love, again, not who they are being, but who they can be. This article follows the previous article I wrote called Testosterone as Scapegoat. In it I referred to women blaming the world’s problems on Testosterone.

Well, I thought of another idea, if testosterone is considered by some as a causal factor for men’s conscienceless behaviors, perhaps we can also consider estrogen as being also a casual factor for women’s less than perfect behaviors. If women blame everything on men, then they don’t have to look at themselves, their part in life’s dance or accept responsibilities for what they create.

Elements of women’s part in the dance of life and relationships include:
1. The plans they are conditioned to construct about how life is supposed to look and what they choose to overlook.
2. The expectation for men to follow along with their plan about how life should look, which includes an assumption that men know what their plans are, no less agree.
3. The consequences their actions have on themselves, their mates, offspring, friends, and the world.
4. “To be or not to be,” responsible that is.

Women are taught by the patriarchal group role model to think their thoughts are not equal to a man’s, and direct in your face expression (like this piece) is considered allowable only for men. Of course, this is nonsense, but not untrue. However, women develop brilliant ways of manipulating to get what they want, which shows their innate intelligence. Unfortunately, what women have developed, which they are blind to, is their own belief systems, concurrent actions, and their consequences. They don’t see themselves in the mirror, only the illusion of self they created. “Mirror, mirror on the wall…” and “don’t tell me anything I don’t want to know.” One of these behaviors is learning to avoid responsibility like a stealthily Ninja. In Billy Joel’s song, he says “she cannot be convicted; she’s earned her degree, but the most she will do is throw shadows at you, but She’s Always a Women for Me.” This refers to the ability to dodge or shift responsibility, refocusing the negative on others.

I have never heard a man say that he doesn’t trust men. What I have heard from many women is that they don’t trust other women. I asked a number of women to describe their experiences with other women.

Here is what women have said about women:
1. They’re smiling faced backstabbers.
2. They will say anything to get what they want, no matter who they hurt.
3. They’re home wreckers. It’s interesting to note then when a man is unfaithful, with who is not really important; it’s the man’s fault. Women will go after another women’s man without blinking an eye, and get away with it. Somehow that is acceptable.
4. Drama Queens who play the lead, director, and producer in the dramatic production, their life.
5. They’re competitive, in a destructive fashion. Winning not by excelling, but by destroying the competition, who could even be a friend.
6. They’re hypocritical, having differing standards for others they don’t need to follow.
7. They can be intentionally mean, belittling, and petty.
8. They can be fake. Pretending to be something they’re not.

These women gave me the following reasons they believe causes women to behave in the above manners: insecurity, jealousy, fear of unknown, fear of being different, fear of being ordinary (invisible), neediness, and the fear of being alone.

Why do they behave in these ways? Because their conditioning teaches beliefs that lead to these behaviors. Directness, a male characteristic, is called unfeminine. “A woman must be sweet and pretty to be liked,” and “sugar and spice and everything nice” are some of the dictates given women. This is like the conditioning men receive with “big boys don’t cry.” All these dictate separate parts of our true selves from us. We are the walking wounded, because parts of the whole are considered only acceptable to the other gender. Men are disallowed emotions, becoming unfeeling beings. Women are disallowed reason, becoming chaotic emotional beings.

While the men of Wall Street, the bankers, and others are doing their gluttonous grabbing of the loot without conscience, where are their women? Pretending to be unaware while living the good life and amassing fortunes. Look at Mrs. Madoff the wife of the $50 billion ponzi schemer, just sent to jail. It was recently made public that she received $78 million. And of course all the family property purchased with his looting of anyone he could is hers too. Most likely there are billions stashed away for the family. And she is innocent? Oh, that’s right; it’s the man’s fault, she’s just the wife. Maybe she is totally unaware of husband’s misdeeds. I believe her blindness, if real, is a choice. She didn’t want to know. This is how some women remain in the dark, by choice. It provides a convenient alibi.

Women, it is time to stand up, look in the mirror, not to put on more make-up, but to take it off, and see what is really inside. Then, make a decision if who you are is who you want to be. If so, continue, if not, change, recreate, and educate yourselves. Then, get with your men and ask them to awaken their power, their love/feelings. You know how to motivate them, use this to help them evolve. Recognize that the dance your men are doing includes you. You have an important say in it, more than you may want to admit, and your men need you, and your undeveloped wisdom. Develop it please for the sake of the world.